“A jolly good habit, I've been told... though I daresay I wouldn't try it myself.”
~ King George VI on Kitten Huffing
“On the streets these days, a dime bag of kittens costs a pretty penny.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kitten Huffing
“In Soviet Russia, kitten huffs YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Kitten Huffing
“Well, I suppose if it wern't for the kittens we never would've had the idea for Jesus Christ Superstar. I mean, the other drugs had us fucked up real good, but the kittens gave us the creative edge.”
~ Mel Gibson on Kitten Huffing
Kitten huffing is a controversial practice that has recently been growing as a popular and healthy alternative to street drugs. Despite a long history in Western culture, the practice remains largely taboo. Excessive huffing has been known to produce undesirable side effects, including addiction, damaged sinuses and, in some cases, death. It is a general rule of thumb that anyone who huffs more then 3 kittens a day is an addict. Veteran huffers often caution against huffing more than a couple kittens per day as overdosing can be very unpleasant and quite dangerous.
The 'cupped hands approach', developed by the Marquess of Queensbury as a remedy for the pain of head injuries sustained while boxing, has come to be the dominant huffing technique in Europe and the Americas. Other techniques are generally avoided by all but expert huffers and even experts tend to avoid techniques involving rolled up dollar bills, as the kittens tend to clog, although two other techniques exist.
Listed here are the three most common huffing techniques.
The Cupped Hands Approach
- Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
- Cup hands around the kitten's head, leaving a small opening to put your mouth around.
- Inhale strongly through the opening until the soul has been completely sucked from the kitten.†
- Ride the snake. Don't fight it. You feel'n that shit yet? JEAAAAAAAAAAAH!
- Don't be a dick: recycle. Used kittens may be turned in to a local Kitten Recycling Center or PETA office.
† Make sure you are huffing the correct end of the kitten. In case of emergency be sure to contact your local Poison Control Center.
The Plastic Tube Approach
While less common than the Cupped Hands approach, the Plastic Tube approach is much quicker, although less satisfying. It is basically the same as the Cupped Hands approach except the first two steps are replaced by four steps.
- Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
- Obtain a fresh, clean huffing tube.
- Place tube at rear end of kitten.
- Call local Poison Control Center
The Huffing Bowl Approach
The first three steps are as follows:
- Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
- Obtain a huffing bowl (for only £9.99 from your local newsagents) and give it a rinse.
- Place kitten in bowl.
The fourth step has become lost in the sands of time, yet various estoric sources say a method similar to the Cupped Hands approch used on the tail or nearby, although this is to be seriously doubted.
The euphoria produced by kitten huffing has been subject to much speculation over time. Longinus believed that the high of kitten huffing was the direct result of absorbing the kitten's soul and that, consequently, the huffing of a larger animal would have a commensurately larger effect. This, of course, is an absurd proposition. Others claim that the kitten's post-mortem gases produce the euphoric effects. Ultimately, the key to kitten huffing's effect lies deep within the brain stem and is still not clearly understood by scientists.
The great physician Paracelsus was known to recommend kitten huffing as a cure to influenza, the gout, syphillis, and most of all, boredom. In his Archidoxis Kittenhuffae, he states that "verily, the greatest of medicines is the kitten when huffethed through the mouth or nose, as it cureth gout, leprosy, and varied maladies of the privy members. Furthermore, the orange ones fucketh you up mighty good." Paracelsus believed that the effects of kitten huffing are caused by the human microcosm absorbing the feline microcosm; it should be noted that the Archidoxis Kittenhuffae was written under the influence of aforesaid "orange ones".
Many kitten huffers experience a constant intense craving for rice pudding. These cravings are known as the "ricies" and are caused by habitual kitten huffing. Police have started to crack down on suspected kitten huffers by enforcing strict laws regarding rice pudding possession. Any American citizen who has more than 5 pounds of pudding on them at any time, can be arrested on suspicion of a kitten huffing addiction. Possessing 5 pounds of rice pudding is enough to put you behind bars, because it is admissible in court as definitive proof of a kitten huffing addiction. Because of the value of this pudding among kitten huffers, the Mafia has even gotten into the rice pudding business. In Little Italy, there is a business called Rice to Riches that only serves rice pudding. It specifically caters to kitten huffers.
Careless kitten huffers have reported that if the feline essence is held in the oral cavity without being passed to the lungs, it can cause temporary numbing of the tongue. This numbing is believed to be the basis for the phrase, "Cat got your tongue?" and is commonly used by those exerting peer pressure to determine whether a huffer is actually huffing or simply holding it in his mouth.
The first documented case of kitten huffing is from Artemus of Capadocia in 432BC, who described "ae wydenyng of ye soule wyth yon huffe" upon sucking out the soul of a young wild lynx kitten from the plains of central Asia Minor. Kitten huffing achieved only a minor level of interest outside of the Asian sub-continent until famed Englishman, This Guy, wrote his treatise Me and the Marquis Get Down With Some Crazy Shit on an extended huff-binge he took with the Marquis de Sade and brought the practice to the forefront of haute couture.
Historically, kittens were farmed on the plains of central Asia. Selective breeding for increased potency led to the emergence of the first ginger ones around 800AD. When Christopher Columbus discovered a viable trade route from Spain to China in 1492AD, he brought back fresh kitten breeding stock, which led to the advent of local, European, kitten breeding. Western breeding programs lagged behind Eastern ones until the early 20th century, when modern science and technology allowed for precise refinement of the breeding process. While many connoisseurs still claim that only imported Asian kittens are worth huffing, American and European techniques have advanced sufficiently that no casual huffer should be able to tell the difference.
Where to find kittens
It is possible to grow kittens indoors by purchasing a wild kitten plant over the Internet. The plant is illegal to possess, but the spores can be sold for research purposes. Kitten plants produce approximately ten kittens per month; therefore, five or six suffice to support a moderate kitten habit. Growers should note that kittens are the method through which the plant reproduces, and therefore those growing on wild plants will contain seeds. The seeds produce intense, salvia-like highs that are generally considered undesirable; therefore, amateurs are advised to purchase only plants which will yield seedless kittens.
The war on kitten huffing
There was tacit tolerance, if not acceptance, of kitten huffing up until the late 19th century, when the emerging temperance movement first spoke out against the habit. The practice of kitten huffing was outlawed during Prohibition as part of the Mewling Reforms, though, as with alcohol, the market for kitten huffers continued to thrive underground. With the repeal of Prohibition, the anti-huffing laws were also removed but the negative social stigma remained.
In the 1950s, a series of public service announcements were recorded by the BBC and aired during the popular Uncle Bertrand's Fortnightly Childrens' Hour (surviving fragment: Uncle Bertie's message to the children).
PSAs such as Bertrand's continued into the mid 70s but eventually fell out of favor for being totally square. More recently, a number of support groups have developed to help those individuals with huffing problems, the largest of which is Kitten Huffers Anonymous, which seeks to replace a love of pussy cats with a love of God.
Today, the battle over public policy has led to a tentatively titled "War on Feline" spearheaded by the Vatican (which never did like pussy) and the Institute for a New American Veterinary. There is rumored involvement of certain Columbian pet cartels interested in artificially raising demand.
Relation to Chicken Huffing
Kittens have no relation to Chickens
Kitten Huffing Organisations
There is a well known militant group called Have Got Huff For You?! Who tend to bother organisation such as Russia, PBS and The Red Cross for reasons unknown but are probably known for setting thousands of horny foxes on the members of the Olympic committee for not allowing kitten huffing as a sport into the main event but instead offering to put it in the (clearly fake) Winter Olympics. This was naturally a grave insult and resulted in Oscar Wilde being too shocked to comment.
Famous Kitten Huffers
Replacement to Kitten Huffing
The Kitten Huffing substitute is Cat Cocaine.
Professional Kitten Huffing
Professional Kitten Huffing is the career of choice for thousands of excellently strong kitten huffers. Amateur kitten huffing is a vulgar, cheap imitation of the glory that is Pro Kitten Huffing. Pros use the cupped-hands method in training, but will eventually graduate to the much more difficult open-hand huff, and then will master the tube huff, spinning razor huff, and balloon huff to round out their repertoire. Professional kitten huffing is a dangerous and illegal sport everywhere, so professional kitten huffers are urged not to reveal their true identity, nor their affiliation with The Hoff, the God of KittenHoffism.
Pro Huffing Methods
- Lift the kitten by its back paws. Careful, those claws are real!
- Balance the centre of the kitten just between the palms, which should be vertically-oriented when one is fully prepared and the pre-huff stretching routine is followed exactly as outlined in So You Want to Huff Poor Defenceless Kittens And Make Money Doing It, the quintessential guide for the would-be kitten huffer, available by KH Press in 2007.
- Open the hands slowly, extending the fingers skyward.
- Inhale slowly and rhythmically. The kitten will squirm as its spirit is exorcised mercilessly from its corporeal form, but this deters not the experienced huffer. Plus, it fucks you up REAL good this way.
- Exhale sharply the bad qi. Release the kitten gently.
The secrets of tube huffing are not known, but it is rumoured to require the use of a tube while wearing a bathrobe and eyeglasses. A video of an experienced huffer attempting this method is available on the kitten huffing page. Do not try tube kitten huffing without ready medical assistance.
Spinning razor/balloon huffing
The secrets of huffing in the two most difficult forms of ancient kitten huffing are supposed to get you "higher than otherwise possible in any situation with any combination of substances," according to the only openly professional kitten huffer, George Bush, Sr. These two methods require the acquisition of the legendary orange Tibetan shag-prince breed, and since the discovery of their potency the number of these beautiful animals in the wild has gone from 500 to 4. Two of the last three amateurs to unwisely attempt these methods died from kitten overdose.
This new and dangerously disorienting variation on huffing was devised by Oscar Wilde shortly after his invention of the antigravity Cat-Toast Device (see Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats). The huffer glues a piece of buttered toast to the back of the kitten making it hover due to competing falling cat - Murphy's law of buttered toast forces. The kitten is then huffed, toast and all, making the huffer hover and rotate adding a whole new dimension to the huff. This comes with a dire warning though, every huffer who has attempted this with orange kittens has met a horrific death as they spin out of control eventually blacking out due to the g-forces induced.
Here are the top 3 huffs the world has to offer:
Tiny Orange Kittens
The fabled orange ones, the best you can get and you can tell from the price, do not accept imitations always get your orange kittens checked by an expert you don't want to be huffing a rat painted red!
The Hoff Huff
Huffing kittens from David Hasselhoff's chest hair has only been tried by a select club of celebrity huffers but is said to add a new and musty experience, don't let him tempt you with his puppy fetish though. Devoted Hoffers have a habit of becoming devotees of KittenHoffism, this entails wearing a red string bracelet and giving money to The Hoff, see Kittenhuffism below for more details.
The Cheetah Huff
The cheetah is the fastest land animal and huffing a cheetah kitten gives the fastest, scariest huff known to man. Imagine hurtling through a psychedelic wonderland at 100 kph with a desire for raw flesh and you're not even half way there. This is one for the thrill seeker everywhere. Scientists are still trying to ascertain what effect the spots have but frequent users have been known to give up striped and tabby varieties of kitten exclusively for ones with spots after a cheetah huff. The ancient Egyptians were big fans of the cheetah huff and are known to have had large collections of cheetahs on hand at any time to satisfy their wanton desire for speed spot huffing.
Top Tips from the Pros
Professional huffers let you in on their top tips for the best huff you'll ever have.
Getting Pure Kitten
The worst part of novice huffing is finding pure kitten. We all know the story, some guy in a club offers you a little bag of kittens, they all have smiley faces on them and he promises you a good time. You get home and check out your "kittens" only to find you have been given a selection of sundry other animals stuck together and painted to resemble kittens! Cunning dealers often use ocelots or other low grade feline products, do not accept alternatives!
A quick and easy method for testing for real kittens is to drop them in water, fake kittens will remain visible while real kittens become hard to see as their refractive index is similar to that of water.This is the same test that can be used on diamonds and has led to the theory that high quality kittens may be formed in a similar way, taking thousands of years of heat and pressure under the surface of the Earth. Isn't nature marvellous!
You can also test kittens for quality by swinging them by their tails in crowded rooms, as the saying goes "there isn't room to swing a cat in here". If you can swing your "kitten" it is clearly fake, if you fail then it is the real deal, you better go somewhere quiet and get on with the huff.
Be wary of people you don't know offering you kittens, the best place to get kittens is from classified ads in local newspapers. Regular folk who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon often give away premium kittens just so they don't have to look after them! You can take full advantage of these suckers by telling them you have a wonderfull, loving new home for all their unwanted little balls of fluff then selling them on to your fluff-head friends making a huge profit!
Finding the Right Place
The huffing hit should be taken in a safe place away from dangerous objects. Novices are often know to "huff-walk" if this happens the huffer should under no circumstances be woken or they may become irrevocably stuck in their huffing fantasy. Professional huffers always buddy up, huffing is a social activity after all. Make sure you have a couple of friends round and you can all ride the kitten together. Alternatively if you are a hermit, recluse or a friendless looser you can lock the doors and windows to your home providing you with that extra security. If you are such a fluff-head that you have spent all your money and are living on the street... how are you reading this?
Kittens should be kept as fresh as possible before huffing, however refrigeration is not recommended as this solidifies the kitten making it much harder to huff and slowing down the whole experience. Professionals keep their kittens in a special kitten storage device called a kittylitter. This is basically a climate controlled set of draws, a bit like a humidore where rich people (bastards) keep fat cigarettes, called cigars. Portable versions have hit the market recently allowing the man about town to take his supply of kittens with him for that sneaky huff between important meetings.
Remember that kittens must be fed and watered regularly to keep them at their best. You can also enjoy kittens before huffing them, they are fun to cuddle and play with. Personal favourites are dangling a bit of string in front of them and training them to form pyramids.
Real fluff-heads sometimes believe they have found God in a kitten huffing trip. This is the basis for the religion of Kittenhuffism and its small celebrity offshoot KittenHoffism. Members of this religion believe that salvation can be found through kitten huffing and a distressing number of professional huffers have ended their days this way. The easiest way to avoid this weird fate is to only huff recreationally as only true addicts end up this way.
As a side note KittenHoffism is growing in popularity, members are recognisable by the small red string bracelets they wear, their regular trips to Israel and the large amount of money they give to The Hoff. Notable celebrity members are Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears and Roseanne, among others. The red string bracelet "is meant to show devotion to the mystical practice and to offer us protection from the very powerful negative energy of the evil eye" according to one source. There is even KittenHoffism Water for sale which has been blessed by The Hoff himself.
Undesirable Effects of Kitten Huffing
A overdose of Kittens (more than 3 large ones a day, or 2 orange ones) will result in headache, nausea, loss of sex drive, a sudden urge to try to fly, eyes poping out, Motherfuckin snakes on a motherfuckin plane, Potato salad, Willingness to hump chairs, increased masturbation, chronic farting, turning into a polar bear, launching bottle rockets out of your ass, loss of all facial features, a big man by the name of Rusty will put a coke bottle up your rear end, dogs will attempt to bite your naughty bits off, and PETA activists will be pissed at you.