Lance Armstrong

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lance Armstrong.
Lance mercilessly tramples over his opponents, leaving a path of destruction behind him, daring those with strong enough souls to follow the path of blood and carnage.

Here's a guy who rides around on a bike all day long. To win, basically what he needs to do is go faster than everyone else and cross that finish line first.

~ John Madden on Lance Armstrong [direct broadcast commentary]

Lance Armstrong was a cancer survivor and cyclist, most notably for the astounding fact that his ass was secretly glued to his bicycle seat. Lance Armstrong was also the first man to visit the moon, riding his bicycle across the landbridge that also allowed the America's to be populated.This bridge is now just a series of islands but they are only a little bit apart from each other on the map so it was simple for him to simply jump from island to island.

Early Life[edit]

Lance was born in Lansing, Michigan to an average alternative American family. Having two fathers, Lance was teased during his childhood to use doping, often being the victim of many ass beatings. Instinctively, in his teenage years, Lance began to fight back his bullies. One instance found through Lance's school records suggests that Lance may have killed a guy with a Pastrami slicer.

Lance's interest in bike riding began when he was about 17. Never able to ride a bike during his childhood, primarily because of his fear of moving mechanical devices which require balance and human force to put into motion, he was made fun of...some more. After watching a marathon on television, Lance was inspired to give it a try. Although he found it rather easy to ride with training wheels, when he took the training wheels off, he seemed to have a knack for getting hit by cars while riding.

It eventually became second nature for Lance to be hit by cars while riding his bicycle. After going to his father and complaining about his bad luck, Lance's father poured hot glue on Lance's bicycle seat, thus gluing Lance to his bicycle for what would be the next twenty six-hundred years of his life. It seemed to work.


Lance began competing in races, his first being the France de Tour. After coming in 7th out of 29, Lance was upgraded to the next two races: the de France Tour and the France Tour de.

After amazingly winning both, he began an astonishing winning streak for his career after he won his first Tour de France. After competing in the race for several years, it became public knowledge that Lance's ass was glued to the bike seat. Although racing policies had no rule against such, fans held a grudge against Lance, seeing such a tactic as cheating.

Cancer Diagnosis & Livestrong[edit]

So, Lance got cancer in his balls and it spread throughout his body. He beat his cancer in a record six seconds, doctors say, but nobody knows how. Leading doctors and rumors on the intarweb suggest Lance downed a shot of Unicorn blood, the only known cure for everything except crabs.

Lance started pouring large amounts of money he got from pick-pocketing into an organization he called "Livestrong", putting the headquarters in Lancaster, PA. Lance claimed that he wanted the headquarters to be in Lancaster because, "If the world ever gets an enema, the asshole will be Lancaster." Very touching.

As a result, he made these little yellow bracelets. Although he was the first to make them, few morons realize this and purchase cheap multi-colored rip-offs for fashion. Lance eats those cheap rip-offs for breakfast.

There is a running theory that Big Boss cured Lance's cancer but it's never been proven, nobody ever second guesses Big Boss.

Final Tour de France[edit]

In Lance's 198th Tour de France race ( and his final ), Lance won. Everybody cheered except those who didn't. And in the end, Lance's legacy can always be remembered as such: that guy who had his ass glued to the seat n' shit.

On a side note, they changed the name of the Tour de France to the Tour de Lance.


  • Russell Crowe declared that Lance Armstrong is the shit. But the good kind, like Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.
  • Lance beat Neil to the moon
  • Lance drives a Land Rover, unsuccessfully because his ass is still glued to the seat of a bike.
  • In 2004, he married Frances Langford. She died the next year.
  • Martin Landau is one of Lance’s fathers
  • Lance Armstrong noticed that the sores on his penis were often caused by riding his bicycle, being unaware of 'German Penis Burn' Armstrong named the condition 'Bicycle Helmet'.