Lyndon B. Johnson
Lyndon Baines Johnson (August 27, 1908 – January 22, 1973) was the 34th President of The United States. He was previously the Democratic Senate Majority Leader and had served as Kennedy's Vice-President before helping the Mafia, John Seigenthaler Sr. and a band of Cuban communists kill Kennedy.
He was known particularly for his resemblance in appearance and personality to the large, comically dishonest rooster Foghorn Leghorn.
Johnson earned a repuation for being a political tough guy during the sixth grade presidential election at George Washington Carver Elementary School in Lubbock, TX.
Caught in a down-to-the-wire race against Becky Hunter, Johnson decided to leak a playground rumor that Hunter's Vice-Presidential nominee Thumpy Savon had carnal knowledge of a farm aminal.
When asked why he would do such an awful thing to a a sixth grader, LBJ in later years said, "Make the bastards deny it!"
LBJ won the election by three and a half votes.
During a steep drinking binge, Veep LBJ and L. Ron Hubbard were sitting around bullshitting about the best way to flush the whole world down the crapper.
Hubbard reportedly told LBJ, "Kill the President, take his job, free the negroes ( again, for Christ's sake, cause Lincoln obviously could have fucked up a wet dream! ), and then get the nation ass-deep in a war fighting over a chunk of land so worthless we wouldn't even stolen it from the butt-fucking red savage commie bastard hippie slob alcoholic Native Americans. Oh, and usurp the Empire of America."
The two agreed that if LBJ could pull it off, Hubbard would give LBJ control of the entire Church of Scientology which LBJ promised to expose as a fraud by forcing its member to recant in public. If LBJ failed, then Hubbard got to make Johnson's wife, Lady Bird Johnson his Scientology sex slave for seven weeks in September. "Not a bad deal," family friend Bobby Kennedy later chuckled to himself on the way to Hell.
Winning the bet
LBJ immediately went about winning his bet with Hubbard. First, he rounded up all the drug fiends and commies in Dallas, and handed them over to the command of John Siegenthaler, Sr., a former Nazi scientist who had perfected the "Single Bullet Theory", proposing a WMD capable of causing multiple exit wounds by basically dancing around and needling the shit out its victim like that mouse in those cartoons where the mouse beats the shit out of the cat.
After a two-hour orientation session, followed by a brief lunch and then an hour in-the-field training, the druggies and commies were turned loose on the streets of Dallas. Most of them went home or sold their guns they had been given or else went of robbing liquor stores.
Unfortunately for President Kennedy, Oswald ran out of furry goodness just about the time the presidential motorcade went past.
In a drug haze, Oswald decided there might be some kittens hiding out in Kennedy's head. He hoisted his rifle to his shoulder, intent on finding and huffing the kittens that were hiding inside Kennedy's head.
With a bang, things fell apart.
Johnson took the oath of office on an airplane returning to Washington following the Kennedy assassination.
His first act of office was to send the Mafia to kill Oswald. Jack Ruby a New Orleans club owner, walked up to Oswald and beat the shit straight out of him with a 16-inch black dildo with the words "Enforcer" written on the side.
Ruby fled the scene, later surfacing during the Vietnam War as General William Westmoreland.
Johnson immediately escalated the scale of military operations in Vietnam. Where Kennedy had gotten America involved on a lark, to settle a friendly bet with Aristotle Onassis for ownership of his wife, Jackie Kennedy and a night with Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio, LBJ turned Vietnam into a clusterfuck to settle a substantially larger bet with L. Ron Hubbard.
Needless of being said, the war in Vietnam turned sour. Those dumb commies were meaner than cat piss on a hot day, and by George they didn't quit no matter how many ya killed.
Johnson then freed the negroes ( again! ).
By 1968 the entire nation was a flaming fuck. Large-dicked black men were raping pretty white girls inside small high schools throughout the southern prairie states ( notably, Jesus did not come to save any of them ) Roving gangs of hippies were torching public buildings while demanding an end to the war. The FDA once again reversed its policy on whether eggs are good or bad, and sent the unusual stand that eggs were "eeeeh, whatver".
The Democratic Party approached LBJ with a demand that he commit ritual suicide. LBJ was quoted as saying, "Is Paris burning?" That elicited a few laughs and the Dem leaders skittered off frolicking and giggling and pinching each other to various protests of "I swear I'm not gay" followed by more pinching and giggling.
Robert Kennedy, Sr., JFK's little brother and a master ninja, snuck into the White House and attempted to kill LBJ in his sleep. LBJ awoke from his sleep, bitch-slapped Kennedy, and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Kennedy slunk away and refused to answer. LBJ stood him in the corner of the Oval Office for an hour and sent him home to Boston without any supper.
In his address, Johnson screamed, "Ha motherfucker! I won the fucking bet!"
Johnson then told America, "Tough shit. Clean up my mess. I'm getting the fuck out of here before the police show up. If they ask, tell them I'm ass-raping Kennedy's wife. If they ask which one, tell them the retarded one! 'cause y'all be fuckas, dood! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK"
Bobby Kennedy eventual went on to win the Democratic primary in 1968.
However, Hubbard and LBJ were not done making drunken bets. Hubbard decided to go double or nothing, betting LBJ that he couldn't kill Bobby Kennedy in public with Saran Wrap and never face trial for it. LBJ took him up on the offer.
Amazingly, over 300 people stood by while Sirhan smothered Bobby Kennedy for 40 minutes! A Congressional inquiry from 1970 concluded that no one would risk their life just to save a filthy fucking Irishman, thus closing the book on the saddest chapter in American history.
In 1969, LBJ found out that there wasn't any power in the Presidency; there was actually an Emperor ( the sixth, in fact ), and his name was Brian Jones ( of the Stones, you know? ).
Anyway, when ol' LB found out, he was pissed. So pissed, in fact, that he went off, bought a gun, drove to Jones' house, and shot the fucker himself as the guy was relaxing in his pool. Johnson then drove to Washington, got Chief Justice Warren Burger to swear him in, and sat back and made bets for the rest of his reign.
Hubbard challenged LBJ to walk into the White House, jump up and down on Richard Nixon's desk, poop in Nixon's face, and draw a loaded gun on Secret Service agents.
And thus ended the four-year-reign of Johnson I, Emperor of America.
Requiescat in pace!