Macintosh

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Macintosh.



The Shit...[edit]

A Macintosh apple tree, where the inner workings of all Apple computers are grown

A Macintosh is the only computer on the market that actually works (with few exceptions- let's be honest). Upon using one for the first time, most consumers remark on the incredible ease of use of the Mac platform over the security plagued/generic Windows platform. Microsoft's failing operating system, Vista, was better when Apple released it five years ago and called it Mac OS X ( ooooooooooooh..animations! Get real Microsoft ). The people that don't enjoy Macintosh have either never used one, or never took the 30 seconds it takes to learn how to use one.

...and More Shit[edit]

Originally constructed from apple seeds, Macintosh computers are a state-of-the-art-nouveau computer named after a with a rainbow colored apple, now changed to a solid color ( in order to appeal to more homophobic communities the world over. Some followers find a source of pride in using a computer that, at any given moment, is just a few keystrokes away from being horribly infected with spyware like a Dell or any other computer that runs Windows XP or potato OS. The truth is only linux, that operating system Jesus made about 100,000 seconds ago, has no ability to crash or get viruses.

Runs on Intel Dorito processors
Runs also on Intel Shit processors

Adding extra hardware on a PC has from the very beginning extremely easy; provided you downloaded the most recent drivers, updated the registry, deleted any conflicting orphans, and avoided chip-level system incompatibilities and reveled in frequent rebooting and lost data -- whereas on a Mac, stupid people that didn't know the first thing about how computers work could do it, often without even reading a manual, or waiting on hold for the better part of a weekend talking to technical support, or even promising some sexual favor to the nerd down the street!. I like to pretend macs are cars... where you can't open the hood, and there's lots of trunk space but nothing to use it with. add a hard disk

Macintosh computers tend to run pushing 2,000 dubloons, the extra thousand dollars Apple clique, and also ensures that your computer will still work in six months time. If you were a crafty enough consumer to purchase the Applecare costing another 300 dollars you will now 'get' what all those PC users don't and have knowledge transcending normal human intelligence. Also your Applecare will ensure you a front row seat in Heaven. Not only that, but owning a Macintosh places you up there with the gods ( spongebob, buda, the kernel, and He-Man ) ! Those in possession of Windows computers are practically asking to be condemned, likewise.

Macs are used as a computer some of the time, and as showy multimedia chat machines in upscale coffee houses the rest of the time. Despite their reputations, Macs do sometimes freeze right in the middle of an important document, hang, crash and even lose data -- completely mystifying the owner who immediately goes into shock and denial, as if. Pointing this fact out invariably angers and frustrates the typical mac user and makes those who are non-mac users very very very happy.

Since there are no drivers to install and no pre-installed spyware to present pleasing pornographic images on a regular basis, there's no reason for anyone serious about computers to use a Macintosh. Macs often runs for months without requiring even a simple reboot. Updating virus software, running spyware detection applications, reinstalling the operating system, defragmenting the hard drive, performing regular, system level reformats, spending hours troubleshooting software conflicts, tracking down and investigating undocumented application features (bugs and crashes), in short, all the usual activities even the most basic level one geek should know how to do, none of it is necessary on a Mac, and thus, its status as being a "real" computer is debated ad magnesium. No self-respecting geek would ever admit to even using, much less preferring a "Mac" ( or windows use linux ). Plus, there are not as many games available for the "Mac"

Appliances built by Apple are not edible. Attempts to eat the Macintosh will cause gum disease. Those eating Windows XP boxes face certain and instantaneous death, not to mention a really rough time on the pot. Eating Linux computers will cause a slow and painful death.

The computer market is dominated by three main operating systems: Windows, Macintosh and Paper. Windows and Paper are by far the most popular. More importantly, Windows and Paper are far cheaper than Macintosh, which is way too reliable. Historically, only homosexuals, metrosexuals, iPod owners, designers, and homosexual and/or metrosexual designers with iPods and geeks and engineers who know the base level UNIseX OS use Macs.

Mac followers are mostly harmless small creatures with hunchbacks and remarkably high opionions of themselves, yet still wear colorful jumpsuits and emit a whiny noise when touched, similar to emos. They spend their days trying to find a way to correctly right click on things with their mouses. Many of them are asexual and reproduce by bisexual fission while very rarely participating in conjugation as they are to busy trying to prove to people that mac is better than windows in pointless, badly made commercials.

The habits of the typical mac user will be elaborated in the next section.

Physiology of Mac Users[edit]

A typical Macintosh user.

Macintosh users in general have an irresistible urge to be drawn towards shiny, colorful things. This may partially explain the lack of games available for the Macintosh as a roll of tin foil provides ample entertainment for a Mac user (But only genuine Reynolds Wrap, store brand tin foil is not shiny enough). Apple engineers initially thought that Macintosh users, like dogs, were unable to see color, hence the monochromatic beige cases and GUI of early Macs. During the manufacture of the iMac, some of the plastic used in the cases was accidentally dyed several different colors. The Apple quality control team, assuming that the Apple user base could not see color, let it slip by. This mistake proved to be a godsend to Apple as Mac users freaked out and hoarded them in mass quantities. Unforutunately for the Apple fanatics, the dye in the casing was quickly found to cause severe symptoms of Brain Poisoning and was promptly ignored.

After the introduction of the iMac, Apple found that OS9 was not colorful enough. After much consideration, Apple released an OS based on the BSD operating system, hoping that an OS developed by old hippies still on LSD would be full of vibrant colors.

The first generation of Mac users were highly inbred resulting in webbed fingers making the use of two button mice impractical. After the rise of the internet, Mac users found mates outside their immediate families and a generation of Mac children with non-webbed fingers was born. However, their fingers were tiny and malformed. Apple responded to this crisis and released the multi button "mighty mouse", with tiny oddly placed buttons to match abnormal human anatomy.

One study has found that Macintosh users have larger incomes than Windows users. This is attributed to large medical malpractice settlements that Macintosh users have won due to botched brain surgery.

Psychology[edit]

fMRI scans of Macintosh users have found that they react positively to:

  • Smiling faces.
  • Simple imagery.
  • Bright colors.
  • Talking animals.


The same scans have found that they react negatively to:

  • Words.
  • Intelligent argument.
  • People wearing glasses.
  • Images of Leprechauns.

The Dock[edit]

The MacDock "in action", as quoted from Apple sources.
An artist's impression of what the MacDock may look like when drinking orange juice.

The Mac's dock is it's all-beating heart center of knowledge and power. It controls the very life-force of this computer and makes every little task for you to do very fucking difficult, as it has the habit of dissapearing. Really the only way to get the dock back once it has gone on one of its frequent breaks of coffee, is to repeatedly tap your computer screen with a hot iron until it decides you are stupid enough for it to use.


At this point, scientists are unclear whether the Dock should be classified under the kingdom Animalia or Farkle.

Things to Remember when Dealing with the Dock.

  • Never say the number39.
  • Always bring offerings of your weekly pay.
  • Be aware of its power to inflame certain sensitive body areas.

Software[edit]

The intuitive interface of Mac OS X.

Macintosh's software has always been inferior to that of Microsoft, which quickly copies, improves, and incorporates key Mac features into its own more popular, and cheaper OS. Take any MS Windows version ( 3.1, ME, 95, Student and Teacher edition/N without Windows Media Player) and you will discover that these are TRUE computer operating systems, ones that have the fortunate and sensible habit of crashing on a regular basis and thus providing a needed and welcome source of employment for millions of geeks all over the world. That's the kind of contribution a company like Microsoft makes, you oh-so-smart, latte-drinking hippies!

The first Macintosh screensaver was the infamous "flying waffle irons." The worst applet in the Macintosh operating system was SuperStack, a slide presentation, programming, and database application. It was never particularly good at any of these tasks, and condemned valuable business info and cutting-edge puzzle games alike to hours of tedious extraction. The original OS's first text editor, aptly named SimpleText, could not exceed 512 KB of text and destroyed users' previous documents every time they created a new one. The Macintosh window-maximizing behavior caused a psychosis in users where the more they dieted, the fatter they were in their minds, leading to a string of disembowelment deaths.

The Windows calendar's superiority is clear. Note the better contrast between the text and background, and the crisp, well-defined pixels.

At last Macintosh developers acknowledged the happiness of all programs and games associated with the Macintosh by simply requiring users to drag the CD-ROM icon to the trash can to eject the CD. That's what that software is: trash. And every time Microsoft copies some cool Mac feature, and incorporates it into their new Longhorn, er, Vista OS, the greatest damn OS ever, Apple comes out with an even better, cooler, slicker, gorgeous and easier-to-use OS version!!! Death to Apple! Painful, tortuous, slow and agonizing Death.

Specifications[edit]

Mouse: 3,000 dpi tracking on days with a Q in the name.

Graphics & Display: 13" True Color(tm) greyscale CRT Cinema Display ( 30" viewable area ), 24bit graphics card displays the “bomb” crash in HD black and white if you have a computer old enough to run one of the ancient OSes and a lot ( at least 8MB ) of bad luck.

Operating system: Mmmmmmm, candy.

Bonus Packages: FREE PORN FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!! ( Limited supply, click on ALL ads giving away FREE IPODS! )

Processor: Spring-wound, 3 jewel Swiss movement. Still light years ahead of anything the PC world has to offer, however much they try and mask this fact with the addition of really, really big "gullibility" numbers. Runs at about 1.86manithz2usethiscomputer.

Upgrade paths: Trash heap, broken abacus, pelicans with coconuts, pile of mating grues.

Downgrade paths: Anything IBM compatible.

Package includes: Power button, nice casing, a keyboard, live mouse, and a cardboard box that can help housing homeless people.

Guarantee/Warranty: Customer-centric 1-year-warranty ( if it breaks, you pay, which, given that it WILL break, is a pretty shitty deal ).

iTrash[edit]

The iTrash

Whenever you delete something on Macintosh, it goes into the iTrash. If you delete a virus, IT INFECTS YOU! That is, if there were Macintosh viruses!

Helpful Advice From Apple[edit]

  • Your Mac computer is a fork of eMac.
  • All your base are belong to us.
  • Spoof the dock to continue.

Mac & Communism[edit]

Some people argue that the Darwin OS is released under an "Open Source" license, which is just another name for Communism. They try to hide all of this under a facade of shiny, "lickable" buttons, but the truth has finally come out: Apple Computers promote Godless Darwinism and Communism, two more very good reasons for not owning a Mac, or "Proper Computer" as they are known. Many Mac users claim that Windows and Paper are not "open source". But they have not yet seen the kid down the street who has cracked copies of everything, unless they have already done so, and having no use whatsoever for cracked copies of second rate games, have built their own collection of cracked applications for the Mac.

Others argue that this can't be true, because it seems so obvious that they are communist, that if they were really communists they would do a better job of hiding it. Yet others say that both of these groups of people have had drug overdoses.

Mac Propaganda[edit]

In a recent smear campaign financed by the sectarian group, Apple Corps there has been a veritable media barrage of claims that Macs are better than PCs. However it should be noted that a Mac is a PC as PC mean "Personal Computer". Myths such as those above are used to justify the high cost and dis-information that Apple has unleashed on the techno-illiterati. For your see, Macs are computers that people own at their house, making them personal computers, and therefore PCs. Macintosh just likes to take the time to advocate fruit over an operating system and making completely irrelevant arguments against the very things that they make: PCs.
The "PC Guy" from the Mac Ads unmasked.
A typical Mac advert.

Cruelty to Fruit[edit]

A child maims an innocent apple

Apple Computer's logo, depicting a brutally-murdered fruit, has provoked a rash of copycat slayings across America. Children as young as four have been seen consuming apples in a sick animalistic ritual which evil people call "eating." Unfortunately, no law currently exists to punish these child-criminals or their instigators at Apple Inc. This is most likely due to the political power held by the fruit industry, which wants people to eat their apples. Though, in the future when robots take over the world, a robot kid will ask his robot mommy for an Apple, she will give him an Apple Macintosh Computer, even if the child didn't do anything bad to deserve such a punishment.

Ignorance[edit]

Apple ignorantly puts transparent cases on their early models of each system and distributes them to developers, so all these people who worked hard to make it work get the fucking ugliest computer in the world.


Common traits for Mac users[edit]

  • Soft Edges
  • Has Soft Shadows
  • Loneliness
  • Vision loss ( due to too much computer usage )
  • Not getting depressed
  • Not getting sick ( no viruses )
  • Getting sick from previously unknown Mac viruses
  • Gay
  • Being an iPod Macrobot
  • Sniffing of own farts
  • Freakishly huge heads
  • Anal retentiveness
  • Sex with apple pies
  • Penises have clear cases
  • Have the habit of bringing up outdated Windows screenshots to make Macs look better

The iTakover[edit]

Many years ago ( the late 90's ), the internet was ruled by Bill Gates and his army of eFollowers. He put an "e" on everything. There were good times of eHarvest, with plenty of eFeasts...then the Mac came. Using a blasphemous "i" instead of "e," they amassed a fearsome horde of iBarbarians and iHuns, who easily slew the stunned eSoldiers. Bill Gates was forced to retreat and make his final stand at eHarmony.com. On there he repelled the dæmonic iHorde for months, but was finally defeated. The treaty of eBay was created, allowing him to tag his "e" to certain sites. The two factions have since lived in uneasy peace. The Mac iHorde proceeded to pollute our world with their products...iPod, iDog, iToilet
Probably all its good for anywho
, iDunno
IDunno.JPG
, and let us not forget...iHop! Rumors have it that Gates is preparing an alliance of eMen and eElves ( and maybe Zwinkies ) in his Dark Tower of Nerdery to take back what was rightfully his. Word remains vague on whether Linux will join the fight.

External Links[edit]

Apple Computer Official Site