In the beginning God created women, and he created beer. Woman and her companions governed the land, but God decided that too many resources were being spent on unproductive things, and that not enough progress was being made. Thus, Man was created to restore order and peace through the execution of orderly, peaceful actions. Men differ from women in that their brain is positioned differently, they have an extra appendage that may or may not play a role in reproduction, and they have magic hair that is socially acceptable to grow on their face, underarms, chest and leg regions, but the magic wears off once they reach a certain age. Beer a mans drink is for men! only real men drink beer. Gays and other fake men drink that fruity European shit. Beer is the drink that gets you laid.
Man rose to be the dominant creature on the planet Earth mostly by hunting iPhones and eating them. And by building and wearing clothes. Man also invented other things to help him dominate the Earth, such as the electric light (to see in the dark); the car (to take him all over the world); the train (to carry the heavy load - monoliths, for instance) and the bullet (for the war, which comes when he meets other men who compete with him for resources or have a strongly-opposing ideology). Men achieved these feats with their faculties of unparallell logic. When faced with problems they will either 'get hormonal' (not really 'hormonal', as testosterone is involved) and obliterate the problem; or use the yet-more powerful logic. Women rely on intuition, empathy, and social skills; but when did that ever get you anywhere but screwed? Men will clear up most interpersonal misunderstandings with a Philips screwdriver, some rope, a Texas Instruments calculator, binary code for the moron opposite you who can't read your lips, and an ego larger than life itself because they don't know where first to begin but they'll do whatever the hell they think is what "men do." The infallibility of this method was proven ontologically in Descartes' Seventh Meditation. Descartes was for the record one of the first rationalists. In other words they suck.
"I love you so much!"- I'm so horny i'd say anything for sex. "I'm fine." - Get me a beer and get naked too "It's not your fault" - Just have sex with me and it will all be OK "Let's do it" - Let's do it "Leave me alone" - You are obviously creepy in someway, or have small breasts "Don't worry, there's no need for you to buy me a present" - All I expect is a nice time in bed with a present. "I need some space" - Come to me naked and we will talk "We need to talk" - I'm not getting enough sex. "I don't want to ruin our friendship" - You look ugly. Get plastic surgery. "5 minutes" - 5 hours. Loud sigh* - Just have sex with me already. "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you" - (see 'I don't want to ruin our friendship') "I'm just so busy right now" - I would prefer a beer "It's alright"- I expect you to be naked tonight. "You can hang out with your girlfriends instead, I don't mind" - Just bring them home so we can have an orgy. And pick me up some beer. "Lets do something fun."- Let's have sex! "I think we should just be friends for now" - You need breast implants. "I love you." - I want to have sex with you "I had a good time [insert girl's name here]"- be worried, be very worried, unless the girl is lesbian, and you actually know that "There's someone else..." - assume he really wants to end that sentence with the phrase "...with larger boobs. Much larger. "My girl friends are sneaking over tonight, but I wont cheat."- this means hey, you have small breasts