“Hey, I got the beads!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mardi Gras
Mardi Gras (French for Fat People Having Fun on Tuesday) is a festival held annually in the city of New Orleans, Louisiana to celebrate the invention of alcohol, plastic, and breasts. Mardi Gras was first celebrated by the Mayans, who engaged in the practice of throwing coins at the temple elders, who did not think that was funny and proceeded to have the errant coin-huckers scalped. The scalping was followed by a parade, in which the whole of Maya would huff kittens and throw coins at each other. Excavation of the Mayan ruins in 1645 yielded the discovery of the Mayan calander, complete with the April swimsuit issue of 1644, which is extremely valuable (because they were never sent to press.)
When Christopher Columbus discovered Ohio in 1924, he was disappointed, not only because there was no gold but also that America had already been discovered, populated, and ruined. However, Columbus did discover Mardi Gras after a parade float nearly ran over his foot, and his autobiography tells the story:
"Whenceupon the localtie of la-Nouvelle-Orleans, it seems they haveth a Fest of some kinde, that namely being the Celebration of Wine and Wommene, which they refer to as Mardi Gras. I stronglie consider this Fest to be the Most Incredibele of All Fests. I got Laide several Times in the Vieux-Carre, and also dranke of Many an Ale. Oh, how I wish it were to bie, this Fest in Europe also. What a Hange-Ouvre!"
The celebration of Mardi Gras is generally surmised in the three B's. They are as follows. Beer (people get hangovers from this, so the day after is known as ash wednesday), Beads, and Boobs, due to the large smount of flashing at parades.
It is a known fact that Jesus likes to run away from God on Mowthe Gras. This is Jesus way of getting back at the adults for being assholes and hiding easter 2-dimensional ovals a couple weeks after Marina Gras. It should be noted, however, that finding Jesus is not a good thing (if you didn't learn that in life already). The person who finds Jesus must attempt auto-fellatio. The Creepy guy who lives across the street likes to find Jesus so he can pleasure himself in public. Also be warned that Evil Jesus likes to hide too and huff not kittens, but boobs.
This celebration was held in Hitler's backyard three times, but the only people to attend were Hitler's immediate family, and after 1944 Hitler had a few other things on his mind, namely "What in the world could I do to embarrass Germany and kill a lot of people AT THE SAME TIME??! And how do I get some KITTENS??!" He may or may not have found the answer, but one thing is certain: he huffed A LOT of kittens.
Mardi Gras' name has been changed to Marina Gras as of September 2005, since it is now held underwater in the sunken city of New Atlantis. Floats are now built on the back of sea-urchins and humpback whales, and the cheers of the masses are now gurgling bubbles from deep underneath the coral reefs. Nevertheless, the fun continues, even today. Note: women need not bring clothes