Maynard James Keenan

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Maynard James Keenan.

Maynard James Keenan Ivory Wayans was born in Pyongyang, Patagonia, on April 17, 1964. At the early age of 11 he suffered ecstatic visions of joy, very much like St. Teresa of Avila. At the age of 10 he was sodomized. In later years he would go on on to denounce the mathematical hegemony of the elite, proclaiming, "One and one are one, eleven." Keenan was also recently involved in an indie film with Brad Wilk titled "Angry Dogs with Rabies", where he played a homosexual gardener with erectile dysfunction. This role was rather difficult for Keenan to familarize himself with, as he has never had a penis. Though this has been disputed by his former lover Alex Grey who claims, "I've totally ridden a mile six inches at a time with Maynard, if you know what I mean *winks*."


Tool is currently comprised of Danny Carey, Justin Chancellor, Adam Jones, and Maynard James Keenan. The band was formed in Jones' basement after a 27 hour orgy. It was as simple as Keenan saying, "That....was one hell of a tool. I think my head is spinning," to put the seed in their minds. Several days later, the group met at a local oxygen bar and played their hit first single, "Hashpipe". Adam's wild harmonica melodies and Danny's rhythmatic bongo solos sent the crowd into a daze, while Maynard's vocals lulled them to sleep....then shocked them back into awareness with sudden screams of "I had a friend once, he took some ecstacy, tried to marry me and everyone in the room..." They were quickly snatched up by a talent scout at Earthquake records and began work on their first and only EP, "Opiunderaenisalilater Days".

A Perfect Circle[edit]

A Perfect Circle Jerk formed after Tool frontman Syd Barrett had an emotional breakdown. He was replaced by Roger Waters. They released some of the most important albums of all time, including "Dark Side of the Moon", "The Wall", and lesser-known "Wish You Were Here". Maynard's work with the group has been criticized as pure nonsense, with no subtext or hidden meanings of any kind, as demonstrated by this excerpt from the band's fourth single, "Weak and Powerless":

Someone shave the monkey while I blow the church with dynamite and crack your skull as I grope your bottom.


In 1997, Maynard James Keenan began work on the ill-fated Tapeworm Project. It was said to have involved himself, Danny Lohner, Trent Reznor, Phil Anselmo, Roope Karhu, and Fred Durst. Anselmo dropped out early, being a sensible man, and was soon replaced with ever-popular Atticus Finch of some punkass band whose name I can't remember. Due to stress between Reznor and Keenan, nothing came of the Tapeworm demos ( including the leaked song, "Vacant" ).

By 2004, Trent Reznor fully admitted that he and Keenan had been deeply implicated in a homosexual menage-a-trois with Peter North, and that in 2002, the three of them went through a harrowing emotional break-down involving Paz Lenchanti, three ducks, and a garden ornament rumored to be a flamingo. No animals were harmed in the explosion. The only victim, Billy Howerdel, managed to escape with his life, though not his testicles. The Tapeworm demos were destroyed in the blast, as well as five and three eighths federal buildings. Nine Inch Nails came under federal investigation about this time. The FBI promptly discovered a gay snuff porno in Reznor's stash, labelled "The Broken Movie."

As of 2005, Keenan is supposed to be working on another Tool album. But isn't.

In saying this, Maynard James Keenan said that "there is a hip-hop Tool album, and that's the next one that's going to be a hip-hop album. Danny Carey not only is one of the most talented drummers in the world, but he can use turntables pretty damned good!".

Justin Chancellor has recently been seen around American malls pelvic thrusting in a Stormtrooper costume. When asked about that incident, he would say "no further comments on the situation".

In the meantime, Adam Jones is now lead guitarist in a progressive-glam rock band called "Richard Simmons, Oh Yes!"

About The Fuck Volcano Winery[edit]

Keenan started his own winery in the year 1884 to end touring with Tool and A Perfect Circumsicion and put a stop to APC violinist Sam Weiener's constant fucking of producer Joan Rivers. 'Nuff said except he wrote an unreleased song about it, sung to the tune of "Jambi." It made an appearance on the Wiped My Ass With A Corncob bootleg before the bootlegger got bootlegged himself and ordered that all bootlegs become "super-duper fuck a roach in the coach's asshole" illegal. It also appeared on the 10,000 Gays ( Left In America ) bonus album.

Some lyrics are:

Drink my wine/ Drink my wine/ Drink my wine/ It'll compromise a tour/ If wines and weeds divide me/ thank God I'll be gone...