Mermaids

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mermaid.

Mermaids are a kind of half-fish, half woman. They are commonly seen in the sea or, more and more frequently, in fresh water lakes. They are often blamed by inept sailors when they run their boats into rocks.

History[edit]

Mermaids were first discovered by Thom Yorke, the famous sailor, in 1985. He was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope, and saw what appeared to be "a wommyyn, of about a score of ayge, of most pleasing apeerynce with the tayl of a fysshe". Upon demanding a closer look, he sailed his ship, Sharon, nearer to the mermaid. On closer inspection, the mermaid was invisible, and had been for some time. Due to his lack of evidence, it has been alledged that Yorke was a "tosser" and a "charlatan".

Further mermaid sightings were seen in 1988 by Allan Ahlberg, and in 1991 by Colin Powell, but it wasn't until 1998 that photographic evidence was obtained and the world opened up to the reality that the seas really did contain mermaids, although even today that remains controversial.

Thom Yorke's son, Bjork came up with the word 'Mermaid', after his father told him the story the night he returned from his trip on the rough seas of the Caribbean.

He'd told him that she had been murdered, and she looked like their maid, Madison.

Biology[edit]

There are two types of mermaid - those with the top half of a fish and bottom half of a woman, and those with the bottom half of a fish and the top half of a woman. According to legend, the lady part is really really sexy, and the fish part is also alluring somehow. The latter type tends to live longer due to the former's liklihood of being eaten by sharks. Contrary to fiction, they cannot breathe in air.

There is no such thing as a mer-man. There are both male and female mermaids, but they are superficially identical and hard to tell apart from a distance.

Mermaids in legend[edit]

According to legend, mermaids were so sexy that they could force a man to sail his boat into rocks, and stab himself in the face with his own leg bone. They have a hypnotic voice, like that of Whitney Houston, and this can cause distraction and irritation from a distance of 30 miles.

The king of the mermaids is called Jane, and he has a mighty staff which he causes storms with. He has taken a fish-wife.

Controversy[edit]

It is believed by many leading scientists that mermaids do not exist and are "biologically impossible". Some scientists, such as Jeremy Clarkson, believe that belief in the existance of mermaids is "a form of madness that only fire can cure."

Others believe that mermaids were really manatees, and the whole mermaid story was invented so sailors would have an excuse to have sex with sea creatures. Most leading sailorologists believe that this is unlikely; sailors don't need an excuse to bum fish.

Factoids[edit]

  • It is believed that 17% of all fish fingers contain mermaids.

Famous Mermaids[edit]

  • The one in the film Splash
  • Ariel, The Little Mermaid
  • Fishy McFish, the Fishlady.
  • Merlin