Meth

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Methamphetamine.

Get these hairs all out of my face, get these bugs all out of my place, one more hit no time to waste meth ooh meth!

~ Oscar Wilde on meth.
Yep, right in the little tube... but don't look too closely.

Meth, short for, well, Meth, is the state Doug of Seattle gets in after a blast. Meth was originally thought to be a gift from God sent to heal sick fish. Later, God denied having anything to with it and sent Courtney Love down to kick everybody's ass. Originally grown on trees and recently made from a combination of battery acid, pseudoephedrine, and drain cleaner, Meth can be huffed, snorted, smoked, or injected. It is now known mostly for its Kitten like qualities, and the only drug available to small town farm hicks living in Iowa.

Meth is not be confused with METH, or Martians for the Ethical Treatment of Humans. This is a human right group run by aliens. This is good since there are only two human rights groups run by humans; versus 2,987 animal rights groups.

History[edit]

Discovered by Isaac Newton whilst in search of an apple tree, it was immediately exported to Nebraska where it could be tested for side-effects. With only a few minor birth defects, and some stomach irritation, scientists concluded that is was no worse than cigarettes and recommended it as a medication to soothe the mind. It was popularized in 1980 when Ronald Reagan appeared in advertisements soliciting its smooth taste. However after several deadly attempts at harvesting the drug by people living in the back of their van, the remainder was locked in a safe and the key was hidden under the love seat.

Cultural side effects of Meth[edit]

Droning on for 5 days straight in the drum'n'bass room in soulseek if your name is Doug. Every time you take a hit of Meth, God kills a Trojans fan.

New Meth[edit]

You really think he was gonna let that one slip on by.

At about the same time the New Coke came out, so did New Meth. New Meth was created by frequent users of the drug who couldn't find the key to the safe. It's contents include Ephedrine, Butane and French Noblemen. Sure, it's ingredients were poisonous when separate, but together they were even more poisonous. New Meth quickly became the most popular drug among 9-30 year-old bald men. A sharp contrast to New Coke, which due to a lawsuit brought by Al Pacino and the producers of Scarface, failed miserably.

Meth Classic[edit]

Falling the demise of New Meth the love of Meth Classic increased 50 Fold. The stuff couldn't stay on the shelves. New York, Denver, and Atlanta all reported of riots of the now hard to find Meth Classic. To make up for the demand the CEO of Meth Classic decided to open up more factories. These factories would be smaller and in more rural areas. "Trailers", as the CEO of Meth Classic called them, would soon be a household name and provide the oh so loved Meth Classic.

Explosive Tendencies[edit]

Although not as dangerous as the old Matt Peters, due to dangerous ingredients such as: Anything Flammable, and Lots of Sparks, New Matt Peters could still be harmful to human beings. Most cases brought against New Matt Peters manufacturers were dropped, due to an extreme lack of intelligence on the behalf of the user. However, some were allowed to proceed to trial. This caused million dollar losses within Big Matt Peters Companies, and in 1987, all flammable components of Matt Peters were removed. The change caused riots in the cornfields, and tractor burnings nation-wide. The sober farmboys and farmgirls could not get the desired high from what was left of Matt Peters, and they couldn't explode the containers when they were done.

Ghettosweet![edit]

Methos, the latest creation from those sneaky bastards at Ghettosweet...CURSE YOU GHETTOSWEET!!

lately, in the "Guh-heddos" as you youngsters call it, smugglers of Meth have started using the clever disguise of candy, and the company "Ghettosweet" is the first to use this trick, they have created "Methos", "Meth Daddies", "Methey's", "Meth and Mike", "meth & Ms",and many many more. The CEO of Ghettosweet, "Jay Jizzley" has been arrested, and he refuses to talk."

Cold Medicine[edit]

All that was left of Meth when the flammable ingredients were removed was the semi-flammable pseudoephedrine. At first, as stated above, users were outraged. But they soon discovered that when used in complete excess, you could achieve certain side-affects including: Nervousness, Dizziness, Sore throat, Diharrea, and AIDS. And get this, if you took it with alcohol ( which was custom back then ) you could even die! Such side-affects provoked a new found faith in Meth, and encouraged yet another generation to become users. The renewed popularity of Meth caused other drugs to be discovered. A particular one, favorite of Kurt Cobain, was called Cough Syrup. It came with a better taste and more side-affects, ranging from fever to "obscure rashes found on the body." In fact, New' New Meth, as it came to be known, was so popular that when the New Meth was re-introduced as Original New Meth in 1994, no one cared.


Currently[edit]

Aw, shit. Where'd he go?

Currently Meth is used as an over the counter medicine to treat the common cold. The original New Meth is circulated throughout the midwest, but will never be as popular as New New Meth. In fact, it is now thought the Original New Meth will eventually become extinct due to its corrsive components. But don't worry, because New New Meth isn't going anywhere. And neither is Waldo.