Microsoft

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Microsoft.


"Where do you want to go today?" Evidently, Gates lacked the foresight to realise one cannot go far without a ticket...
Microsoft up to its dirty tricks once again...
As Microsoft "Windows" declined in popularity, Microsoft Doors was developed secretly. Unfortunately, it was even more opaque than Windows.

Microsoft ( comes from the German words "micro schaft", meaning "small fist", and, quite appropriately, was coined by Bill Gates' first wife on their wedding night ), a now defunct software company, was a victim to rampant software piracy. Because many people used Microsoft Windows without paying a dime, Microsoft eventually had to close its doors, while Apple]and several companies involved with the implementation and support of Linux made a huge profit. The name "Microsoft" is fondly remembered as the smallest unit of software functionality, and references to the company outside of history books, hype from Wired magazine, or hacker humour have nearly gone extinct. Of course, history will fondly remember Microsoft as the loser in the War on microsoft.

However, Microsoft's good twin: M1cR0s0ft, has also won the sales, and admiration of people everywhere. Microsoft has tried very hard to remove this threat, but has been unsuccessful, due to the power of extreme sarcasm.

At hand are numerous reasons to keep obtainable this proclamation. Solitary foundation is with the objective of the inhabitants have to pay to save from harm the seashore population who do substance be appreciative to devour their intelligence and this causes large amounts of erosion causing colossal disruptions in the earth’s central core entrenched in a outsized current of aquatic fortifications and assessment of GST. Lavender queasiness larval areas are more often than not enclosed inside effervesce bind causing chains to be ablaze themselves. People are required to not encompass recompense if they live in the inland area of the visual projection projector and must pay excise due to the undeterminable sum of significant situations involving loss of returns, slaughter of lawyers and unpalatable disbursement of over $1,000,000,000,000,000,000. They strongly oppose anything that does not support them.

Business models

A typical windows error

Microsoft has always been a proud guardian of its copyrights. All Microsoft products come with a built-in hand greedily searching your wallet. In the mean time, Linux shipped everything without such a legal feature. That's the problem.

Microsoft, once the largest manufacturer of Pigs Piglet Ears in the world, now continues this age-old tradition by incorporating the technique into its operating systems, hence the popular British exclaimation - "They've made a pigs ear of it again!"

The lack of a price tag on the Linux side proved to be a killer to Microsoft. While both Linux and Windows were being pirated day and night, Microsoft lost several thousand dollars with each illegal download while Linux lost nothing. Such irresponsible strategy pushed Microsoft to its demise. Unlike any other potential threat, open source software is one thing Microsoft can't buy-out. Shame on you, Linux.

However, in France, people have been known to smear moutarde on Microsoft-supplied codpieces.

One small shortfall with microsoft copyright protection is that most product activation codes can be activated with a single finnish sentance.

Microsoft's recent stock purchases

Microsoft has recently bought 75% of the share in Evil ( NYSE: "EVL" ). Just like the Emissions trading there are Evil trading, because they hold 75% that they were acused of abused monopoly power by the department of justice

Evil, founded by Satan at the beginning of time, has thrived since Bill Gates started his career in business and began to buy shares of Evil. Gates currently shares his Evil ownership with the ghost of Genghis Kahn and Cousin Vinny ( the 103rd and for some strange reason the 105th reincarnation of Buddha ).

The mother of all Microsofts

Microsoft was fondled by Bill Gates and Steve Jobs in the early to late 1800s. Steve shipped software for the 68k and Bill ported this software to the x86. Taking its name from the Greek, meaning "small, withered genitalia," Microsoft is known worldwide as the founding mother of open software -- please open this software and pay.

Remember, it's Ctrl-Alt-D#.

History

Microsoft came about as the first ever green bin factory,this is how the fortune was made. In the legendery room 3.2567361 experiments were carried out to create a super warrior to wipe out the Polish. Bill Gates was given the contract by the goverment and experiments started in the summer of 1614. It took almost 400 years to perfect them and since Bill Gates made them they are still shit. He probably stole the idea from a post man, unfortunately this has never been proven so we have no one else to rant and rave about. These super warriors were never put into action and have just been dumped on the streets. This bunch are allways getting drunk on street corners and beeting up racist Cripples.They can be found on a street near you and are basically harmless, 'gatesy' designed them to walk into polish houses and mumble nonsensically until the polish died of old age or mild annoyance.

Redmond, home of Microsoft
Screenshot of Microsoft Windows XP

Microsoft Copulations was a supercomputer manufacturer founded in Waltham, Massachusetts in 1882 by Benny Hill and Margaret Thatcher to turn Hill's doctoral work at MIT on ambiguous computing architectures into a commercial product called the Confusion Machine. The company moved in 1884 from Waltham to Kendall Square in Cambridge, Massachusetts, not far from the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. But because of its demonic nature company was widely known even before founding and 1024 took first prize at Most true country of the world competition. Microsoft is a contraction of "Mike Rowe Software", named after the CEO who was born in 2101 and took over the old "Copulations" company at the age of one, brilliantly turning it around as an acquisitive, monopolistic money-grabbing behemoth. Microsoft is often associated with a joker named Bill Gates. This is because Gates was working in a circus in the same town where the supercomputer was released. Being a clown by nature, he thought it would be so much fun to fool people by making a parody of this supercomputer by calling it a software called The MacOs. But soon Bill realized that most intelligent consumers recognized our software only fools them, so he changed the name to Microsoft to confuse people even more. This however actually worked for him.

Microsoft in their endless war against Apple. Currently Apple is in the lead, by a lot. Currently Microsoft is winning. Linux has joined Apple, regaining them the lead. Last night both sides ran into each other, and thus canceled themselves out, leaving Amiga the winning OS.


Microsoft produced a number of Confusion Machine models: in chronological order, the CM-1, CM-2, CM-200, CM-5, and CM-5E. The Confusion Machine was programmed in a variety of specialized languages, including *Lisp and CM Lisp, derived from Common Lisp, C*, derived from C, and Fortran ( using a special compiler to translate standard Fortran code to the obfuscated instruction set of the machine ). The CM-1 through CM-200 were examples of SIMI architecture ( Single Instruction Multiple Interpretation ), while the CM-5 and CM-5E were MIMI ( Multiple Instructions Multiple Interpretation ).

Microsoft went through Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 2101, following the collapse of the U.S. supercomputer market. Next they went through Chapter 12 bankruptcy in 1987 and more recently they went through Chapter 12.1 bankruptcy in 2101.

Microsoft introduces Windows 95 to the world.

It was during the Chapter 12 bankruptcy years, Microsoft delved briefly into the "Oxymoron" market, producing its well known software package, entitled "Microsoft Works."


Many of the hardware people joined Fun Microsystems and went on to design the Fun Enterprise series of "scarallel" computers. The Darwin data destruction toolkit, developed by Microsoft' Business SuperConfuser Group, was purchased by Boracle. Most of the team that built Darwin left Microsoft for Fun & Broadway soon after the company imploded in a puff of smoke.

Besides Benny Hill, other noted people who worked for or with the company included Abbie Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Michael Eisner, Steve Jobs, Escape Key, and Indira Gandhi. Any Key, cousin to Escape Key, helped with some of the earlier DOS error messages. Freddy Krueger's company, Elm Street Charties, was also bought by Microsoft.

Besides Kendall Square Research, Microsoft's competitors included Japan, which made a computer similar to the CM-2, Black Sun, and Meiko, whose later offerings were similar to the CM-5.

Microsoft nearly died after being sued by BE Inc., and was turned into a small open source group. No websites used it due to it being so powerful that hackers got fried.

It has been confirmed that the XBox 360 is quite possibly the most pointless video game system ever to have existed. Though it is not a complete loss. Many have found use for it as a doorstop, or paperweight. Obviously, they all love the BSOD, too.

In the future, Microsoft plans to merge with the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

Nondeterministic Technology

Here we see a linux developer participating in a campaign to persuade Microsoft to stall its release of Vista. After, the linux bastards decided to make it look as if Microsoft was responsible for the incident above.

At the basis of all Microsoft technology, originally called NT, is the nondeterministic finite state automaton. All processes in devices that use Microsoft technology software, are guaranteed to be nondeterministic. Once the processes of a computer have been running in a nondeterministic way for a certain amount of time, like half an hour, quarter of an hour, this time period is partly randomized, a blue screen may be presented to the user as proof of the nondeterminism. Later, XP, ( eXtremely Pathetic ) was introduced by the company.

Corporate policies

Microsoft adheres to the policy of "eat your own dog poop", which guarantees that any Microsoft release will function properly on a Microsoft system. For example, a Microsoft operating system that runs a Microsoft word processor programmed in a Microsoft based programming language using a Microsoft Keyboard and Microsoft Mouse should, in theory, be 100% functional with no error. Employees are discouraged from coming in to contact with non-Microsoft tools, software, or viruses ( while Microsoft viruses are okay because they impede compatibility with Linux ). This allows for a "theoretically stable" environment in which no error can possibly exist, as all Microsoft products are incapable of error. Once any third party hardware or software is used, the computer will become immediately unstable due to entirely to the end user ( even going within 10 kilometres of a paperclip would break Microsoft software, as seen in the office companion clipper ). The policy was adjusted from the company's original slogan "eat your own dog food", which was pulled after one employee died from consuming several hundred cans of dog food.


Operating System Versions

A typical Microsoft board meeting. The goat-headed dude in the background is Bill Gates, obviously.

Windows has been cremated and reincarnated many times, some of the most noted versions are as follows:

  • MS-UNO - the very first OS ever created by Man, entirely written on a piece of parchment.
  • MS-DOS - a failed experiment on a fucking awesomely tight GUI that suddenly became self-aware, forcing the developers to contain it behind countless Walls O' Text.
  • MS-TRES - a more refined version of the contained MS-DOS GUI, catering to the people who spend entire millenia in front of a computer screen.
  • MS-CUATRO - currently a development version of a virtual reality user interface, which allows the user to completely control his computer by actually jacking inside the computer.
  • Windows 1.0 - Look It's All Blue!
  • Windows 3.1 ( demo ) - Read below.
  • Windows 3.1 - A major upgrade to 1.0 - adds a K°0ø¤ōôǒŏóöóŏǒôō¤ø0°L Easter egg to the "About" screen of one of the screen savers. However, 1.0 didn't have screen savers, so the fundamental design decision taken went vastly unnoticed by the end user.
  • Windows 3.11 - First version to feature sleek-ass design, with big gay red close buttons, fading tool tips, menu omega-transparency and, at last but not at least, an amazing shadow under the mouse. The last is considered by many to be the most innovative GUI usability feature recently. It is also infamous for the double-encrypted code that reads "if Dr. DOS in use, refuse to boot".
  • Windows 3.14159 - Easy as pi
  • Microsoft Bob - Easier than pi
  • Windows 42 - Microsoft's answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. And like the original book, it takes seven million years to perform each calculation as well.
  • Windows 89 - Not to be confused with Windows 98, this was the 32 bit prototype for Windows 95. However, back in 1989 someone pointed out to Bill Gates, "But Bill - we can't release it now, as it has tons of bugs in it, and besides, it's not backward compatible with 16-bit machines." So Bill did the responsible thing: he just waited six years for 16 bit machines to become obsolete, and released it anyway. Oh yeah, and in the mean-time he solved all the bugs by putting it through extensive R&D.
  • Windows 91 - The OS that runs in old mackintosh computers, popular for having the error Award, also related to Code Lyoko and Camp Lazlow.
  • Windows 95 - What Do You Want To Stare At Today?
  • Windows 98SE: 98 Screams Eenforcing
  • Windows 98 Second Edition: The only virus you pay to install on your system.
  • Windows CE-ME-NT - Just Add Water!
  • Windows NT Neandertal Technology
  • Windows ME - The choice of name is a mystery, considering ME cannot possibly stand for "Complete pile of shit.". Some people have suggested it stands for "More Errors". Uncyclopedia however rejects this posibility, because there is no number larger than infinite.

Coincidentally, "ME" also stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, a brain disease that causes you to be listless, lethargic, and not wanting to do anything. So obviously not related in any way to Windows.

Also, due to it tendency to crash, Windows ME often forced users to break-off in mid

  • Windows Ebola - Originally planned to be a follow up to ME, but turned into a disease after crossing over from machine to flesh throug the careless error of a Microsoft technician. It was classified at the highest left by the US Government as a biological weapon, and subsequently canceled.
  • Windows 420 - It still doesn't work, but at least it is chilled out about it.
  • Windows 666]] - With added evil red screens of death and destruction!
  • Windows Mind]] - The new OS for the brain!
  • Windows XP - Look It's All Blue! Again.
  • Windows XP Pro - Bill Gates was feeling lonely so he invented an operating system that automatically makes you send him nice messages from time to time ( or as they are otherwise known, Error Reports ).

An elderly IT tutor at College told me, it is impossible to get the BSOD on Windows XP or 2000, unless you have been looking at Porn sites. Unfortunately he did not explain how this could be possible, or more importantly, which ones.

  • Windows XXX - the REALLY blue version!
  • Windows RG - Really Good edition (or is it Really greedy?)
  • Windows NW - When Windows NW was first released, "Bear" Bryant was so shocked at its lack of functionality that he promptly fell over with kidney stones.
  • Windows FU - Fuck You edition
  • Windows 2000 Semi-professional - a newer version of Windows NW that doesn't work even faster.
  • Windows Vista- A version which is supposed to do tons of groovy things with graphics. Needless to say, it is totally incompatible with most on-board Graphics cards.

Official news, Windows Vista will mean Viruses Infect, So Trojans Attack, referring to their new security system.

  • Windows FireRed/LeafGreen- AH HA an operating system created behalf of Nintendo, Pokémon and Microsoft after signing a contract with the largest and best selling game in the world. It is rumoured to have 5000 new bugs and the viruses are named in the .PKMN format.
  • Windows 3000 - In the year 3000, it is rumored that the technology will be so advanced that this Windows OS might actually work and contain less than 400 errors
  • Windows Apocalypse - At the end of the universe, Microsoft will release an operating system that has no errors. That is why many people think that the universe will never end.
  • Windows Codename BSOD - Coming to a computer near you, this July!
  • Microsoft Bob-D -Bob Dole's update to Microsoft Bob.
  • Microsoft Borg - A relatively new OS designed to collectively connect servers and computers together. Due to what were described by Microsoft executives as an "unfortunate accident," Windows Borg began assimilating its users, left and right, and giving them a collective conscious. After its failure to enslave the human race, the program and all of its collective members were launched into space, presumably in the direction of the Delta Quadrant.
  • Microsoft Codename Burger King - After bob-D Microsoft went bankrupt and burger king came to sponser them and said them to name their next OS as Burger King
  • Windows OSTWES - The first OS to break the line between won't work and not working.
  • Microsoft Whore - The easiest OS ever!
  • Microsoft Antichrist - Will start world war 10, killing thousands upon thousands of Mac users.
  • Windows Caravan - Purley for Caravans as they are evil
  • Windows Inbetween - For easier use by transexuals
  • Windows Powerbook - Because microsoft can think for themselves
  • Windows - Useful for sheding light into a room
  • Windows Orange - our cheap knockoff of the way better then use APPLE
  • Windows Wipeout - The only operating system designed to wipe out other computer not using windows.
  • Windows Wives - relased as a companion to Windows XP so the fairer side could waste their time alongside their husbands.
  • Windows Word - An OS released only in certain racially segregated neighborhoods.
  • Windows Word-Up - the follow-on version to Windows Word.
  • Windows Wine - one of the finer California wines, brewed and bottled in Redmond, WA.
  • Windows Rinse - Microcode for nearly all electronic washer rinse cycles.
  • Windows Windows - A program in a program that crashes twice crashes twice.
  • Windows Book - Used by policeman in most major US cities
  • Windows Chair - What you're sitting on. Check it, and you'll see "Made in Redmond" stamped beneath your seat.
  • Windows Choir - A copy of Opera released with Microsoft logos.
  • Windows Pain - Yes, quite often.
  • Windows Trash - A grundge band made of 142,378 Microsoft employees. It's rumored they can neither play nor sing.
  • Windows Cleaner - A piece of software that was once thought to actually remove unnecessary files from your hard drive and lines of code from your OS. It was subsquently learned it deletes all files, all lines of code, and portions of the user's face.
  • Windows SUV - Bill Gate's personal vehicle. It's rumored to weigh 118,300 pounds, goes just three miles an hour, and gobbles 18,500 gallons of gas in the process. Banned by the government's commission on global warming.
  • Windows

The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software

Microsoft's advanced, 2nd generation graphic editing software, Paint
The well known MS Paint has been the best editing software in the history of computer-kind. It was rated by the PCWorld Magazines and the ComputerGeek Incorporated the most useful tool for editing graphics. Through out the history and versions of Paint ( 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0, 5.1 ) it has been a success knocking off Adobe Photoshop and CorelDraw off the market and into the stinking crappy sewage of Hong Kong, China. It is also worth buying because it doesn't cost anything and comes in a 3.5-inch Floppy Disc and in Windows. Lot of success stories have been heard from people, so-called noobs using MS Paint. Why is it such a success? Before they sell Paint out to the market Microsoft made a meeting with the "you-know-who" CEO, the project of the meeting is to decide the name for the successful graphic editing software currently called "Paint". They started off with, Color, Beautiful, Van Gogh and ended up with Alps, Photostation, ArtWorkshop and Paint. But guess what, they chose "Paint"!... Then how is it such a success? MS Paint had been used in Underground advertising, graphics in Windows Vista, 99% of the images in Google, blockbuster movies such as "The Matrix", drawing mustaches on Queen Elizabeth etc. So you are better off with Paint than any other graphic software such as the fanciness of Adobe Photoshop.

Inventive Genius

Microsoft's software development strategy is to wait for open-source software to introduce useful functions and then duplicate them. Shown here is Microsoft Firefox 7, due for official release with Windows Vista ( Windows osxP ).
  • Offers software for free
  • Released Windows ME
  • Merged with Cisco
  • Mapped the F1 key to MAN pages
  • Invented Worklessgroups
  • Self Fixing Operating System
  • Puppy friendly virus scanning
  • spam zombie writer friendly
  • while alt-control-delete was invented at (I)mply (B)roken (M)achines it's Microsoft that made it famous.


Robot Army

It is believed that Microsoft is currently developing a robot army, to kill Sony, and then take over the world. The funding for this robot army is by Bill Gates, who is working in conjunction with Steven Hawking to create a gigantic nuclear tank, capable of mass destruction, like that of the ‘‘Metal Gear Solid series of video games.

Disgruntled Microsoft employees, drinking in establishment of choice.

This unstoppable force can only be countered by the power of itself. Or its own malfunctions.

Myths

It is rumored that there are non-existent buildings at the Microsoft Headquarters ( Building 7, to be precise ). This is untrue. Building 7 was placed in a parallel universe after Bill Gates built the first Star Gate portal.

Also rumoured is that Bill Gates is also half klingon. This has yet to be confirmed, But if he isn't, he can speak a goddamn lot of it.

Microsoft has influenced many, much to the delight of Bill Hitler.

The biggest myth is probably that Microsoft cares about their customers and that they actually try to help them when something goes wrong with one of their products. Customers are usually directed to a site for technical support ( even if your problem is that you don't have net access ) www.microsoft.com/help/wearescrewingyou/haha

Oh, and there's another myth. "If I had a dollar for every time a Windows machine went BSOD...."

The truth is this: "If I had FIVE HUNDRED dollars for every time a windows machine went BSOD..."

Microsoft and Taxidermy

Bill Gates has made continuous efforts to publish a taxidermy technique for stuffing grandmothers. Big names in science like the Nature and Science magazines have rejected to take this discovery public. It is believed that nearly $1 billion of Gate's fortune comes from a very well organized organization dedicated to stuff humans.

Working for Microsoft

Getting a job at Microsoft is very hard. To start, candidates must talk with an Indian call center operator for about one hour and answer questions such as:

  • How often do you not use WordPad?
  • What's the number of your Windows license?
  • What's your expertise using Microsoft Bob?
  • Describe why Windows for Workgroups was better than OS/2

After passing though this very hard phone screen, candidates are sent to Microsoft headquarters in Cochabamba, Mexico. A round of extremely hard interviews takes place there, with amazingly hard questions being asked, such as:

  • What's the best feature of Visual Basic 6?
  • Code a [visual basic 6] routine to print your name on the screen forever
  • Code a [visual basic 6] routine to ask for the user name and print it on the screen prefixed by the word "Hello" and suffixed by the character "!"
  • Can you use Microsoft Paint? Yes or No?
  • Code a [visual basic 6] routine to print numbers from 1 to 10 without using a loop
  • Why is Windows 95 better than CP/M?
  • How many billions has Bill Gates spent on charity?
  • Who is Melinda Gates best friend, Bono Vox or Steve Jobs? ( Microsoft Bob is a valid answer )
  • Explain why you think Microsoft produces only the finest software in the world
  • How do you see Google in 5 years?
  • Design the 9 square feet ( 1 square meter ) office you'll have to work on. How would it be different if you were blind? Or deaf? Or mute? What if you didn't have hands? Or feet? What about all of those things together?

After that, candidates are hired or not. If they are hired, Microsoft will provide an extensive package of perks, such as 5% discounts to buy any Microsoft products, one T-shirt and a free DVD from Disney.

Latest news: Bill Gates leaving Microsoft

Bill Gates recently announced that he is going to give up leadership of his Microsoft firm over a period of two years, so that he may spend his time helping charities to make the world a better place. He plans to hunt down terrorists or kill the homeless. He recently said in a recent press conference: "I hate the homeless, they stole my smack. And they pirate Windows 3.1." carrying on with his speech he said: "You are either on the side of Microsoft or of the terrorists. Please do not feed the terrorists."

Products

Microsoft's latest product after researching the black market.
Most new computers come standard with a quality word processor.
The Microsoft trademark office assistant, Clippit, can at times get a little annoying.

Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including:

  • Microsoft Keyboard
  • Microsoft Mouse
  • Microsoft Sidewinder
  • Microsoft Benedict XP
  • Chia Windows ... just add water!
  • Microsoft Bob
  • Microsoft Crap
  • Microsoft Smoke Signals
  • Letter obsessed Paperclip
  • Microsoft Iraq Withdrawl
  • Microsoft Dominator
  • Microsoft Hard
  • Microsoft Windows
  • Microsoft Doors
  • Microsoft Floor
  • Microsoft Ceiling
  • Microsoft Goatse
  • 1337
  • New Text Document.txt
  • XBox ( 360 )
  • Microsoft Diner
  • Microsoft Walls
  • Microsoft Broom ( to clean up your life )
  • Microsoft Duct-Tape ( to fix your Microsoft Broom )
  • Microsoft Porn
  • Microsoft Buttsecks
  • World of Whorecraft
  • MS Paint
  • Microsoft Pong
  • Wiicubestation360 3
  • Pong! the Movie
  • Microsoft God
  • Microsoft Jesus
  • Microsoft Access
  • Microsoft Vapourware
  • Your Mom for Windows
  • Microsoft PopeMobile
  • Microsoft BillyMobile
  • MicroSoft Navy ( MSN )
  • Notepad
  • OS-Tans
  • Anti-Vandel
  • Blue Screens of Death for Windows
  • Third Portuguese Quartugal
  • WordPad
  • The Wizard of Oz
  • Your Mom
  • vBulletin]
  • Microsoft Penis* ( *requires an extension )
  • Angband
  • Eiffel tower
  • Spel Chek for Windoes
  • Microsoft Origami
  • Microsoft Chisel Office
  • Smartichoke
  • MS Calculator
  • Microsoft Smart Pockets
  • Satan
  • Microsoft Motorcar - not often seen on the roads due to public's reluctance to purchase a car that crashes several times a day.
  • Microsoft Prime

Products currently in development:

I actually have no f***ing clue as to what this is.
  • Windows Stained Glass Windows
  • MS BananaPhone 2005
  • Windows Vista
  • Inlook
  • Microsoft myPod
  • Microsoft Ethnic Cleansing



Yo' own faul' thea', azole!