Mike Ditka

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mike Ditka.


Bayer and GlaxoSmithKline have tapped Mike Ditka, a still-unapproved drug the two firms expect to use to challenge Pfizer's Viagra.

The drug firms went into collusion with the producer of the well-known football snack, Chicago Bears, which are nothing at all like Teddy Grahams. The companies devised an educational program called "Tackling Men's Health" to discuss difficult health problems treated by Ditka, most common of which is erectile dysfunction. Ditka is one of the most important drugs either firm is likely to bring to market in the coming months.

"It's an honour for us to be associated with such an important program that will generate awareness of critical men's health issues that affect guys like us," GlaxoSmithKline said of the educational program in a prepared statement. "We've had experience with some health issues in our own lives. We look forward to the challenge of using that experience to motivate men to take action and help take care of themselves. Taking care of your health should be a part of everyone's game plan. Start your day off on the right-foot with Ditka."

After a campaign peddling Ditka to middle-aged men with the ridiculous slogan "Ditka vs Erectile Dysfunction," the phrase began showing up with popularity rivalling All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

Ditka The Legend[edit]


Some say Ditka was never born, some say Ditka always was. Those that say he was born are wrong. Ditka always has been, since the beginning of time there was gas, light, a little bit of firmament, Chuck Norris, and Ditka. For the first couple of billion years Ditka was bored, of course Ditka can fly around and stuff, there really wasn’t much to see. You can only see so many nebulas before they become old, not to mention nebulas are really wishy-washy astral formations who talk a lot of smack but never deliver. But that’s beside the point.

Then one day, there was a bunch of planets and Ditka thought that was really cool, because he could finally sit down after few billion years of wandering space. There were a few parallel dimensions that already had planets and civilization but Ditka wasn’t allowed to go there because all those dimensions already had Ditka’s in them. Sometimes all the multiverse’s Ditkas get together and talk about grilling techniques as well as infallible football strategies. Typically so many Ditka’s in a concentrated place creates rifts through the space time continuum that really makes unsightly catastrophic disasters that could implode an entire universe, so they hang out in Zoroaster’s astral plane because it doesn’t get much use anyways and is really only inhabited by small newts for some reason.

Celestial Travels:[edit]

One time Ditka visited Valhalla to see if it was all it was cracked up to be, but it was just full of snobs who wanted Ditka to pay membership fees and park in the guest parking lot. So Ditka didn’t help any of those pretentious Asgard elitists with their grilling techniques, which were lacking, and he parked in the members lot anyway with his super sweet 1969 Chevrolet Malibu Chevelle. He parked over some dude called “Magus,” which is a name for little girly Vikings who can’t drink their weight in neither grog nor human blood.

Anyways, one day Ditka found a planet to hang around at, which was fine at first but all there was were little strands of DNA and enzymes which really only cared about proteins and amino acids. And there wasn’t any football anyways, so Ditka left that lame planet, now called Planet Lame, which is ironically named for it’s sissy French discoverer Jacque du Lame. But that’s another story that has no bear-ing on the tale at hand. And no one wants to here about France anyways, but that’s obvious.

So Ditka went cruising around trying to build a stable grilling unit out of asteroid that ran on the atomic energy of the sun. Unfortunately for the progress of grilling in this universe and this plane of existence, even the wonton chaos of the sun’s pure essence couldn’t hold a candle to the power of charcoal. Ironically coal can’t hold a candle either but it sure cooks a men steak.

Anyways a couple more billion years passed with no real events. There was some radical explosions and stuff, but it wasn’t football.

The Third Kind's Close Encounters With Ditka:[edit]

Then he met some cool aliens. Actually they weren’t that cool, they were jerks, so I’m not even going to talk about them.

But then Ditka met some more cool aliens that wanted to make him a god, but then he just explained that he was an omnipotent astral being that had existed since a little before time began, when time was just a lazy mixed up dimension that didn’t know what to do with itself, and the people didn’t worship him as a god, but as a really kick ass deacon for the religion to the god they hadn’t quite found yet. So Ditka was fine with that. Eventually though they got real agitated with each other and started the universes first Holy-but-not-really-decided War. So Ditka left, because they weren’t all that cool anyways.

Once Ditka ran into Galactus (before the whole Silver Surfer thing). Galactus was really just a misunderstood man-sized boy. Who ate planets like oysters. So Ditka played a game of football with him and crushed him worse than Poland was in the Russo-Japanese War, that is to say, the worst thing ever. The final score Ditka: 98, Galactus: 7.

Then Ditka found a bunch of jag-off aliens that were really into this whole universal war thing that was really off putting. They screamed a lot about crushing their enemies’ skulls, or membranes, or psychic essence in. These aliens were completely in the dark about alien physiology of aliens not having seen any yet. But they were sure that they were bad and had it in for them. Ditka later found out that these aliens eventually found some aliens who introduced them to cool things like scissors, toe nail clippers, and fire which solved a bunch of the problems they had which in turn caused the whole xenophobia debacle.

Some other stuff happened that’s really not cool or sweet, or even mildly radical. Stuff like bagmitten.

Return to Earth:[edit]

Eventually Ditka got bored of dating alien chicks so he came to Earth. Earth was good planet for Ditka because they were human just like he was, and they had a taste for grilling, football and not Soccer. The occasional tribal war would break out, which was almost as much fun or as bloody as football but Ditka began to get bored. So he went to Japan which hadn’t discovered the things that made Japan cool like superior electronics, racism to all others and of course women who dug facial hair, so he left.

Then he met a real swinging cat called Jesus Christ. Ditka taught Jesus about things like grilling and football and Jesus taught Ditka about things like brotherly love and Jesus. It was then that Ditka realized that football was better played in a team, rather than the bloody free-for-all that football used to be. After talking with the other Ditka’s in the other dimensions in Zoroaster’s dimension they all agreed that football with teams was a far better idea than the one they had previously been using. Unfortunately the godless Canadians took things to far and made football into some sort of a devil’s dance that is best not spoke of. But anyways Ditka and Jesus then played football for about five days. Jesus was the first and last person** to ever beat Ditka in a football match. And even then the score was 67 to 65. Ditka then had a rematch with Jesus and Ditka beat Jesus, but only because of the “Any Given Sunday” Clause, which I’m sure all those reading this manuscript are well aware of. Then when Jesus was really getting popular He was carted away by a bunch of Packers fans. Ditka was going to fight off the Packers fans, which was really nothing to brag about, even then, but Jesus said to Ditka that He had to do it. So then Ditka began his travels again meeting other great people, who weren’t as great or as nice as Jesus, but they did the best they could.

Ditka, Khan, and Krauts:[edit]

Ditka a couple of years later met Genghis Kahn who told Ditka about the mighty bear, and Ditka in turn told Genghis about football and how he didn’t have to eat raw horse meat when He could just as easily use a grill. But besides the bear thing, Genghis Kahn was a real mean coach who didn’t give his men water breaks or a Bye Week. So because of their differing views Ditka lost contact with Kahn, who he later found coaching an unsuccessful Youth Filed Hockey Team. Even Butkus has his pride.

So some more really boring stuff happened like a Crusade, or two, and the Renaissance and an Industrial Revolution or two. The only relevant thing that happened was when Ditka beat both Joseph Stalin and Mau Se Dung in a no holds-barred wrestling match, single handedly defeating communism. And ragtime music. Then World War II started, which was the first war of its kind despite its misleading title. Which is false. So Ditka was in England because his plain had a lay over in London while heading toward Poland. Ditka can fly but he likes to support the economy in any way he can. Ditka cares. Then some bombs landed on him and he was like, “Crap, this sucks.” Even though he said it in such an eloquent way that even the great Tycho Brahe couldn’t reiterate it*. So when the Battle of Britain broke out he was swatting down planes like something small and swattable.

Legend has it that Ditka killed 500 krauts. Then World War II started. Legend also has it that Ditka broke into a camp of SS and killed every single one of them. With one bullet.

And I heard through the grapevine that once Ditka was so angry at the Nazis that he killed one of their experimental Über-Walruses with his bare hands.

But he was kicking so much Kaiser arse that he flew over to the Pacific Rim to kick Tojo arse there. And he did. What most people think is that what they don’t know can’t hurt them, they are wrong. The Japanese definitely didn’t know Ditka. They didn’t even know football, that’s why the Emperor was a Packers fan.

Little known fact: Ditka can release his own energy in its raw form. That form is atomic energy. That’s right: Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Ditka. Moral of this story: Don’t mess with Ditka.

A bunch more boring stuff happened that no history book even bothered to record.

Ditka meets the NFL:[edit]

Then the NFL was formed and as a tribute to the mighty Ditka they named a team after him, The Bears. And of course Ditka’s ultimate enemies ( besides communism, Nazis, zombies, zombie Nazis, Butkus, and the devil ) appeared out of the wood works: The Packers. Of course, they were just about the worst team ever for about…forever. To be fair though, they were better than the Bucks. To call someone a Buck fan is simply uncalled for.

Ditka then led his all-star team of The Bears to their victorious 1985 season, where they defeated every single football team known to man, including several that didn’t even exist yet. The Texan’s actually lost fifteen games this years because The Bears were that good in 1985. They also won the pennant and the Stanley Cup, as well as some jive soccer award that no one cares about. Many committed seppuku just because they knew they would never amount to that level of greatness.

Though because of Ditka’s glorious victory he gained much more attention than was normal for such a powerful natural force. One such stalker-lite was the evil Corporation. No one is sure what the Corporation does, other than it’s evil. So they tried to clone Ditka from a discarded Gatorade cup. The cloning was a success. And by success I meant failure. Better things happened during the Battan Death March. What they bread was not Ditka but the bastard son of Ditka. So the Corporation, not knowing the sub par work of their evil, took the Ditka clone and made him coach the New Orleans Saints, the second evilest football team of all time. What happened was a disaster. Clone Ditka’s team didn’t win the Super bowl. And now the Clone Ditka waits for death taking out hair gel and Hefty Bag ads.

It should have been obvious to the insidious Corporation. Ditka’s greatness cannot be cloned. It’s like cloning Jesus, what’s the point? It’s not the same Jesus. Or the same Ditka.

That is a brief history on the great force that is Ditka. Every American should know it, as well as any Canadian defect that has the courage to escape from behind the Maple Curtain. Ditka is like CIA agents, custodians, or Solid Snake, defending the world from unseen evils, like terrorists or feminists. There are a thousand untold chapters about the great Ditka, this is four of them. Bears. Just da Bears.

Greatest Victories[edit]

Da Bears Vs. The Packers- 1985- The Bears: 460, Packers: 7.

Da Bears Vs. The Steelers- 1985 - The Bears: 125, Steelers: 11.

Da Bears Vs. Da Vinci - 1984 - The Bears: 258. The Vinci: 2

Da Bears Vs. East Germany’s Super Anabolic Steroid Takers- 1980- The Bears: 77, Steroid Takers: 3 ( and The Bears took a ten minute nap during this time )

Ditka Vs. the Army of a Thousand Ninjas- 1960 - Ditka: 84,000 ( Metric points ), Ninjas: 5.

Ditka Vs Roe V. Wade- 1973- Ditka 678, Roe V. Wade: 675

Ditka Vs. Hitler’s Brazilian Clone- 1975- Ditka: 276, Hitler Clone: -4,992.

The Mini-Bears Vs. The Packers with a minotaur- 1682- Mini-Bears: 99, The Packers and Minotaur: -13.

Ditka Vs. Toshiro Mifune- 1960- Ditka: 55, Toshiro Mifune: 29.

Ditka versus Wolverine- 1992- Wolverine: 1,000,03 , Ditka: 1,000,03.1.

Ditka Vs. Vin Diesel robots- 2017- Ditka: 77, robots: 3.

Ditka Vs. Godzilla's private army- 1987- Ditka: 1,000,000, Godzilla: 420.

Ditka Vs. Daley - 1968 - Ditka: 10, Hippies 0

Ditka Vs. Hurricane Katrina- 2005- Ditka: 326, Katrina: New Orleans

Common Phrases[edit]

  • Ditka vs. Da Giants -- Alright, after da heart attack, I gotta say Ditka 17, Giants 14. He just barely gets by.
  • Ditka vs. God in a golf match -- Trick question, Ditka is God.
  • Ditka vs. Hurricane Ditka -- unanswered philosophical question
  • Ditka vs. Chuck Norris -- the world itself would asplode
  • Ditka with one leg, one eye, one testicle, no feet vs. Captain Jack Sparrow and his scallywags


  • Ditka has always maintained a vow of neutrality on the topic of Godzilla vs. Sheep.