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~ Russian Reversal on Milk
milk vodka to that”
~ Yakov Smirnoff on Milk
The origin of when, how, and who discovered milk remains largely a mystery. However, a popular theory, based on recently discovered cave paintings, is that a primitive human with a mental disorder walked up to a cow, and upon seeing a large pink bag, wondered to himself, "I wonder what would happen if I squeezed that big pink thing down there...". Wrapping his hand around the cow's nipple, he gave it a gentle squeeze, then another squeeze, then a firmer squeeze, then several quick tugs in succession, and finally one big long yank, causing the white liquid (later known as "milk") to come out in several gooey spurts. The cow, not very happy about having some horny male human squeezing her private area, promptly reared up her legs and gave him a good swift kick in the noggin, killing him instantly.
A nearby tribe member, who had happened to have witnessed the violent incident from a relatively safe distance, devised a cunning plan. After giving the cow a few swigs of whiskey and taking the cow to a dimly-lit movie theatre, he began squeezing the nipples of the now very drunk and sedate cow. Once the milk came out again, he exclaimed to himself "I say, I wonder what this weird, white liquid that just came out of this cow tastes like!". Taking a sip, he found that it had a most refeshing and delicious taste, reminiscent of roasted almonds. He died of hepatitis D the next day.
Eventually, the fondling of cows' tits spread around the world, and various other animals were tested using this proven method. Some of the other types of milk that were later discovered are goat's and yak's. However, as with any scientific revolution, many unsuccesful experiments were tried on other animals, such as turtles, sharks, lions, and humans. None survived. Shortly after the millenium and years of speculation it was confirmed that milk is better than wood. Mainly because it can be used to make tea.