Millard Fillmore

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Millard Fillmore.

Millard "Fillet-O-Fish" Fillmore was the 13th president of the United States. Or something like that. Not like anyone cares. Hell, even the fucking encyclopedia doesn't know who he is.

Accomplishments while President[edit]

In 1851, Fillmore entered the record books as the first president to officially fail to deliver peace in the Middle East. His record in the midwest, however, was more successful. Fillmore is also credited with implementing the White House "got a penny, leave a penny, need a penny, take a penny" jar. After using the funds from the jar to reduce the national deficit to a paltry $37.26, he was promptly honored by an exclusive dinner party with Oscar Wilde.

Post-Presidential Accomplishments[edit]

Once ate 3 apple pies within 72 hours. Became the South Carolina Yahtzee Champion four years running. Paralyzed his

Highlights Of The Fillmore Administration[edit]

The Earth did not crash into the sun, aliens did not invade the White House, and roaming black holes did not eat up the solar system.

Substitute President[edit]

In 1941 President Franklin Roosevelt called in sick to work, claiming that "I think Lucy broke some of my ribs". Under the Substitute President Time Travel Act of 1938, Fillmore was called forward nearly a century in time to act as Substitute President. (A little known historical fact is that Fillmore was actually the third choice for Substitute President; Abraham Lincoln turned down his offer, and William Taft was now too fat to get through the door of the Oval Office.)

During his Substitute Presidency ( 9:14 A.M, October 12, 1941 - 3:25 P.M, October 14, 1941 ), Fillmore played a small but crucial role in convincing Congress to pass the Fight Our War Because We're Rich Act of 1941, which was written to aid Russia during its invasion by Germany. When the time came to vote on the bill, no one was able to find the final written draft. At this point Fillmore, stumbling sleepily into the room still in nightcap and pyjamas, vaguely recalled having seen it the previous night on the coffee table in the White House Lincoln Rec Room. Fillmore was rewarded for this brave act of memory with the knowledge that he had guaranteed freedom and democracy for a generation, as well as a tall, cold glass of hot sheep's milk with Ovaltine, and was soon returned to his own time.

Downfall Due to Insanity[edit]

Millard Fillmore eventually fell from power after the infamous "Crazy State of the Union." Millard walked up to the podium with no pants on, and claimed his new name was Mrs. Norris. He also claimed he had walked a thousand miles, and he fell into the sky, hoping time would pass him by. Needless to say, Millard. Millard then dressed up as a green duck, demanding people call him Mallard Fillmore. In a twist of irony, Millard would receive the nomination for the Know-Nothing Party in 1854, since, logically, he knew nothing and was an insane imbecile. Millard died, sadly, in 1853, so even if he had been elected, it wouldn't have mattered. Millard Fillmore's life was very sad in this manner

Overall Significance to History[edit]

Had a comic strip named after him, continuing the rich tradition started by Presidents Garfield, Peanut, and Aquaman. Continues, to this day, to be the only president with the name Millard, due primarilly to its excessive geekiness. He was also the only president to appoint two "well educated and speaking" cats to his cabinet. In making this highly controversial decision he gained the trust of an ultra-conservative pro-feline lobbyist from northeastern Ohio, and the nickname Millard "Batshit Crazy" Fillmore. Also rated as most boring president of the world in the world.

Alleged Presidential Hoax[edit]

In 1968, a biographer attempted to write a biography about Millard Fillmore because the market was flooded with books about presidents that people actually cared about. While doing research, it was discovered that there are almost no primary sources that suggest that Millard Fillmore ever actually existed. Some think that he was fabricated because everyone had forgotten who the actual president was at the time, but didn’t want to admit it.

A breakthrough occurred when a letter written by a history textbook author was discovered which included the following quote: “Who the hell was president after Taylor died? I keep asking people, but they don’t have any idea what I’m talking about. If I can't figure it out, I’m just going to make up some fake sounding name to fill more space on my presidential timeline.”

See Also[edit]

  • The wildly unsuccessful "Fillmore Logs."