Mohammed

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mohammed.
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Please Welcome...The greatest heavyweight boxing champion of all time, beatboxer ( can I get a rewind ), Hollywood badboy, and notorious womanizer, The Brown Bomber Muhammad 'Big Mo' Allahmaaaaaan, is the creator of suicide bombing and the famed writer of the Quran and Brokeback Mountain. He was born to a bitch and pimp.

Muhammad was also a great inventor, rapist and was responsible for some of the greatest inventions in the world, from those stickers found on apples in the grocery store, to shoelaces, and even masturbation ( discovered accidently by Muhammad while climbing a tree ). He was also an idiot, a false prophet, child molester who married multiple women and girls, one of them a nine-year-old.

The prophet, Muhammad.

Allah became more powerful than Muhammad and Muhammad became his prophet ( although it can more accurately be said that Muhammad was Allah's loss ). Mohammed talked a lot about the "one-true-faith"™ and the "one-true-God"™, not to forget the "one-true-prophet" ( pat.pend. ).

Because Muhammed is idolized by Mussels, they expressly forbid any drawing of him because this would idolize him. As trying not to idolize someone who you idolize is a universal paradox, an accurate picture of Muhammed would most probably cause a rift in time and destroy the universe. This has perhaps not happened so far, as most drawings of Mohammed have been inaccurate. For example, Muhammed was most likely invisible so nobody could see him, let alone draw him.

It is also every Muslim's duty to defend Muhammed ( Police beat upon him ), because despite being Allah's prophet, he can be injured by cartoons even while dead. How one can be injured by cartoons when one's life is over is the subject of debate, although it is proven that reading Garfield for long enough can induce brain damage and hemorrhoids.

It is also worth noting that Muslims have also engaged in violent riots that have resulted in trillions of deaths over non-muslims eating pork, drinking alcohol, and engaging in several other activities that are prohibited to Muslims, which is exactly consistent with them doing the exact same thing over non muslims drawing pictures of muhammed, which is an activity that is prohibited for muslims only but which nobody else really gives a shit about. Fortunately, violent rioting, murder and setting off bombs is ok, so the world can enjoy the sheer genius of protesting against a drawing of muhammed as a terrorist . . . by killing people who had nothing to do with the drawings in the first place. As slappy squirrel would put it, "now that's comedy!"

One important thing most people don't know about Muhammad is that he is a great fan of Manowar. That is why he is well known as the TRUE prophet of Allah: because Manowar is TRUE as well. Actually, Muhammad is as true as Manowar are. In other words, Muhammad wears leather, spikes and chains. He has long curly hair and he often shouts: "Hail Allaaaaaah!!, Allah of steel, death to the false prophets", etc.

The most recent picture of the Prophet

Also, you can sometimes hear him say "ti malakies leo o poustis", or something like that. Muhammad is a sick collector of Manowar stuff, too. In his collection he has the first furry pants Joey de Maio ever wore and an original LP of pleasure slave as well.

Finally, beware of the nefarious Anti-Muhammed, who is not only not Muhammed, but stands for everything Muhammed does not. Rest assured, it's much more fun to hang out with the Anti-Muhammed, but doing so will lead to either a beheading or your car exploding.


The Creation[edit]

An ASCII artist's impression of Muhammad. NO!!!!! What have I done? We're dooooomed!!!!!

Though not many people know it, Allah was made up by the prophet Muhammad during the 1960's. Muhammad made up ( or created ) Allah from the dust of the sand in the desert. Forsooth, you can also read this in the third paragraph 'History' of the page about Allah. Muhammad also has created the world first Harem club ( all female members ), where all womens' duty were to serve him and handle his nuts, ancient documents proved that he started world's first nut business, Selling locals to chesnuts, peanuts, walnuts.

The creation of Allah had one of the weirdest impacts on the world's history ever! ( We LOVE hucksterism, yeah we do, tra la la... ) For Allah became an all powerful super god ( like Batman ) , at least according to Muslims. So Allah ended up being the master over Muhammad. In the beginning Muhammad doubted that Allah was all powerful because he was his own creation, and how can a creation be more powerful than its master? But one night Gabriel ( who was some hippie minding his own business in the middle of nowhere ) came to Muhammad and told him that Allah is the true god ( either that or Muhammad was stoned on pretty good LSD ).

As proof one of the many wives of Muhammad ( NOT the famous 9 year old known as Aisha ) was murdered by Allah. Muhammad then blamed the Devil ( who was supposed to rest in Muhammad's nostrils ), so Allah had to do it over again, killing another of Muhammad's wives. This time ( pbuh ) , it stuck ( pbuh ). Then Muhammad decided to ban the making of pictures of himself, which was a mistake: a stoned woman from Haight-Ashbury painted his picture on her boyfriend, thus leading Muhammad to track the boyfriend down and try to rub the picture off. This led to an accidental menage a trois, which embarrassed poor, little kid Aisha.

Remember that the next time you take on the prophet without some buddies holding baseball bats to back you up. EULA: Clicking and saving image means you heretofore agree to recieve a Fatwah in your mailbox within 7 workdays. If you do not agree with this EULA, please return the unopened Fatwah within 30 days for a full islamic refund.

Prophet Years[edit]

Further proof that Muhammed rules

Muhammad then received messages from Allah personally and became the prophet ( or loss ) of Allah. When Muhammad learned that Allah later married some nine year old kid named Aïsha, Muhammad followed his example. ( Before then, they had admittedly been living like pigs, whatever that means. )

He was desperate to find a nine year old kid named Aïsha. Fortunately for him, his best buddy Abu Bakr just happened to have a six year old daughter named Aïsha. Three years later, Abu sold gave Muhammad his kid.

Muhammed also had a 50 year old wife when he was in his 20's, so technically he was one of the first known MILF-Masters in history.

Muhammad was known as peeper, and his favorite thing was to sneak up behind and schtupp his wife when she bent over to pull bread out of the oven. This action was condemned by the Aristasian Lesbian Writers' Guild, on the grounds that Muhammad was a man. When Muhammad underwent a sex-change operation in 1973, the Aristasian Guild lifted the condemnation. She subsequently covered herself in a tie-dyed burqa and dropped off the edge of the Grand Canyon.

Supplicating Pilgrim at Masjid Al Haram. Mecca, Saudi Arabia.jpg

Muhammed told all the best jokes, even though he could not handle them very well if they were about him. He could take a good ribbing as well. He was always popular with the ladies, and was well known as a master pick-up artist. His followers loved him so much that they made up amazing stories about him that weren't even true. A bunch of people made fun of his comic routines in Mecca, so Muhammed ran away like a girl in what was called "The Cannonball Run". This event signifies the start of the Mussel calendar. When he came back to Mecca, he told everyone The World's Funniest Joke. Everyone in Mecca died from laughing, leaving Muhammed to assume control.

Something amazing happened one day when the angel Gabriel offered the up and coming prophet Mohammed a "once-in-a-lifetime" ( tm ) opportunity to fight Apollo Creed for the Boxing Heavyweight Championship of the World. Mohammed was knocked clean out in the third round. There was no rematch, as Mohammed never recovered.

Although Muhammad was illiterate ( and dead ), she was able to write the holy Quran. Nonetheless, she had to wear hearing aids in order to do so. However, after the Crusades, she was slain by Geddy Lee, bassist/best swordsman of the band Rush.

Today, Muhammed is loved and revered by everyone because he/she/it/[insert appropriate gender here] did some amazing things, and many other amazing things which weren't true but were attributed to him and sound freakin' amazing anyway.

Pedophily[edit]

Muhammad saw such fabulous sights as these and became a fanatic and started the hippie movement

Most Muslims consider Mohammed a pedophile because he enacted sexual goo-goo with some 9 year old kid ( actually 89 years, because time flew slower 6430 years ago when Mohammed existed ), but that view is not shared by Western inhabitants ( such as talaskians and south-arubians ). As a matter of fact, the word "pedophily" is not even known in the Western provinces of God, although the practice of using childish individuals for building new holy creatures is known there.

Pedophily is a taboo only in the Damn Christian Religions, where it's believed that if you do such a thing, God will fuck you. They say that but in their minds their desire for kittens is flaming, those hypocrites! In the Muslim world, it's believed that since Mohammed did it, and did it good, then you can do it good too, as long as you do it in your good house with your good children -- no exceptions added. "Pedophily is fun for the whole family" is their motto.

Muhammad song[edit]

Look! I've beaten the System, it's not drawn, it's written! Look!

Muhammad has spawned several famous, memorable songs about his greatness. The mussels sing the following song to start various festivities of Islam, accompanied by parachute pants and fervent syncopated dancing. The lyrics are as follows:

Mohammed

Mohammahammed

Mohammahammahed

Mohammahammahammahed

Stop! Mohammer time.

Sing it to the melody of Rick James' "Superfreak."

Fatwah section[edit]

Muslims protesting this article

Place your fatwahs against the authors of this article here. Please do not vandalize the rest of this great article, alright?

"Don't Piss Me Off!"- Muslim call to prayer

"Die Infidels!"- Oscar Wilde

"It gon' rain ( holy fire )"- Ollie Williams

"Relax, pal, they draw me too." - Jesus Christ

"I was disappointed when I realized we wouldn't be eating butter-laced, sweet, flaky pastries." -Sheikh Izz ad-Din al-Qassam

"What the Mohammed is this, anyway!?" - Average American.

"I will build a bridge of peace to the 21st century. Let me peek under that Burka, are you wearing a thong?" - Bill Clinton

"I advise people not to follow fundamentalist fascist leaders who use religion to trick and manipulate people into war." -George W. Bush

"I support the right of free speech to speak of hate and racism, then again maybe I really don't. We needed to go to war on terror, then again maybe we didn't. If elected, I will fix the problems we have with the Islamic people, but then I won't. In fact, I'll pull all of our troops out of Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, and other nations to end terrorism, ah who am I kidding anyway I am Bush's cousin 32 times removed." -John Kerry

"Man, these pricks need a stiff drink, a porno movie and a bag of pork rinds!" - Iraqi Information Minister Baghdad Bob

"8-ball in the side pocket" - Minnesota Fatwah

"All captured Islamic Terrorists in Gitmo are forced to eat pork and shrimp with the left hand while string and wind instrument music is played in honor of Muhammad." - Dick Cheney

"I am not one to make fun of Muhammad, after all I need to go on a diet as I weigh 500 pounds. Yet I cannot help myself, as Muhammad is so easy to make fun of, as well as his followers. I am, after all, a laughing Buddha." -Buddha

"Muhammad dude, try some frop" - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

"Meh, you can make fun of him all you want. His religion is a thorn in my own money making scheme, and I'm quite jealous that he has more followers." - L. Ron Hubbard

"Bah, Muhammad's clairvoyance is only at level 20, while mine is at level 50! PWND!" -Aleister Crowley

"I believe that if you brush up on your occult terminology Crowley, you'll find that clairvoyance is not the word you were looking for." - Rudolf Steiner

"How much like a Buhrka, exactly, does one have to be to get that guy inside of one's-self?" -Oscar Wilde, again, on Muhammed

"Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed... Jaaames Brown, Jaaames Brown" - Tom Tom Club

"Mohammed, buddy... Lighten up and have a cocktail" - Dean Martin

"You shall die for your filthy transgressions, infidel! Oh hang on, I'm Jewish..." - RabbiTechno

Veneration of Muhammad[edit]

Muhammad looks through a mirror

Allah ( i.e. the God of Islam ) vehemently denies any responsibility its adherents display for their lack of veneration for Muhammad. The Quran strictly states ( i.e. over and over again ) that Muslims everywhere are forbidden to even think about Muhammad ( let alone, go out of their way to seek out pictures of him on the internet as an excuse for killing people because they are already going to hell just because they seeked Muhammad's image in the first place ). So touché.

Also note that one must know what Muhammad looks like in order to accurately caricature Muhammed. Unfortunately since nobody knows for certain what he does look like, just about any picture of anything representing a middle-eastern man COULD be Muhammed, but nobody is sure. For this reason, the Muhammed Picture Ruling Body ( MPRB ) has officially stated that any picture resembling a middle-eastern man be cause for violence.

Muslims avoiding thinking or talking about Muhammad—chose to substitute his name for “Jesus”. This confuses many people including novelist, Dan Brown, when he was researching for his book the Da Vinci Code. The book and subsequent movie produced a holy war between Christians ( who thought the story was about the unholy exploits of Christ) and Muslims ( who slowly relised the story was about Muhammad ). The survivors envied the dead.

For further information on Muhammad's veneration see the section below

That Danish conflict[edit]

Mohammed with a nice new hat. Let the Jihad begin!
"Guess what, I'm going to Israel! Well don't forget your lucky bomb hat"

In August 2005 the Danish Newspaper Blasfemasen accidently drew a picture which had a close resemblance to the Prophet - although how anyone knew how close it would be is a complete mystery. Since lousy cartoons are forbidden in Islam a conflict between Denmark and the Islamic world arose 6 months later, since camels dont travel too fast with the latest news. Muslim extremists started to burn embassies and boycott Danish goods ( such as bacon. ) Which was quite a shame since muslims love bacon</ref>, although the sales of the pastry remained unaffected ). The conflict escalated when Hamas activists started to put up posters with the Jante Lad all over the Arab world and even in some major European cities.

It was at this point that Muhammed was seen hanging out with Elvis, although this is disputed because Muhammed is invisible - someone could have just made this part up.

Seven startling similarities between Elvis and Muhammad:[edit]

  1. Both have a cult-like following.
  2. Both are worshipped by millions, the rest can't figure out why.
  3. Elvis built his career on rock. Muhammad built his career on a rock.
  4. Millions of pilgrims flock to Graceland. Millions of pilgrims flock to Mecca.
  5. Elvis served in the military. Muhammad led the military.
  6. Both played a role on the making of impossible-to-like kind of music.
  7. Elvis was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Muhammad also came from nowhere.
  8. Both had a real taste for virgins.
  9. Both married a woman named Priscilla, except Muhammed.
  10. Muhammed and Elvis both sported the coolest lambchop sideburns ever
  11. Both are of a dispudedly-deceased status
  12. Both did Drugs.
  13. Both have thousands of misguided followers
  14. If both of them were still alive, they would be very old by now.
  15. If still alive, both would join Scientology

The Conflict Drags On and On and On[edit]

The conflict lasted a long time. Denmark's attackers relied heavily on suicide bombing, and capturing innocent civilians for ransom. Denmark's enemies were also fairly resilient to conventional weapons.

Upon finding the enemy's weakness, Denmark sent in its finest men: The 101st Division Cartoonist regiment. Terrorists demanding ransoms were counter-threatened with more cartoons. The cartoons did irreperable psychotic damage. Tom & Jerry and Sylvester & Tweety were responsible for most of the cartoon violence. The cast of Peanuts were seen boring people to death. The battle was decisively won when, during resulting devastation, the entire Islamic world forced its way into the Danish embassy to protest, upon which a terrorist burned it down with everyone inside.

Unfortunately during the battle, Hamlet was killed with a poisoned blade.

We would publish the whole set of cartoons here in Encyclopædia Dæmonica, but hey we're afraid and proud of it, you!

Blasfemaya has offered the following about the cartoon:

                                                                      
                                                                      
                                                                      
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Hyper-Muhammad[edit]

An unlockable character on Street Fighter 3, Hyper-Muhammad, who can be upgraded to Mecha-Muhammad by the power of the triforce, is the mortal enemy of Ultra-Jesus. These two titans of titanic-ness commonly fought cosmo-shattering battles in the pages of Danish newspapers, at least until the rise of Super-duper-Buddha who rose quietly to power while these two were duking it out over the last nightclub in Jerusalem. Hyper-Muhammad's special move is the "Roshamhjihad", a flurry of blows to the testicles, which often result in them often being coughed up. Hyper-Muhammad's catchphrase and kill-scream is "Buy my stuff!".

Other Muhammads[edit]

  • Muhammad Ali
  • Mohamed Atta
  • Mohamet the Insult Comic Jackal
  • The Dalai Lama
  • Muhammed Bush Jr

See also[edit]