This article pertains to Scottish things. It is suggested that while reading this article you wear a kilt,
drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Aud Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. Lads and lasses, Alicia Keys is part Scottish!
Montrose is a town located in the mythical county of Angus (A giant field in between Aberdeen and Dundee) . If you have never been to Scotland however, you may be forgiven for thinking that they are a crap rock band from San Francisco.
The site of the settlement is dominated by the Montrose Basin (the world's only tidal river separating the South Esk and Little South Esk), where birds from all over the world migrate to and then leave again, realising they probably should have opted for Siberia, which is considerably more hospitable. Funnily enough, birds make this same error every single year. Montrose is populated by Celtic and Rangers supporting wannabes who attend the Links Park Football Stadium on saturdays to fantasise that they are actually watching the Old Firm.
- Founded by a Scot called Bob Montrose (who later hanged himself) in 1276. Scotland has been trying to downplay this association ever since.
- English invade Montrose with 30,000 men during their 1295-96 conquest of Scotland. English pack up and leave after 1 hour 22 minutes and 31 seconds, deciding they'd rather castrate themselves then ever set foot in the town again.
- 1800: People of the town begin making snooty remarks about Pagan neighbours Brechin
- 1835: Montrose constructs a Museum
- 1836: Museum closes - People find nothing worthwhile to exhibit. Retirement Home built in it's place. Parties erupt into the middle of the night.
- 1967: King's Cinema burns down in a fire. A local Bingo hall is erected. Day commemorated as 'Retirement Day' - wild celebrations commence.
- 1973: Another Cinema bites the dust -. Celebratory fireworks display is hastily organised.
- 1973 onwards: More Retirement Homes, and a concrete mass of grey lower-class residential homes built to house poor people from Dundee. Area forever known as 'Borrowfield' - To this day, nobody can figure out why.
- 1990s onwards: The construction of the A90 Dundee to Aberdeen road means that nobody needs to ever needlessly travel through Montrose ever again. The motorway service town is made redundant and Glaxo-Smith-Cline pushes towards the final phases of town domination.
- 2006: After realising that the town, and with a much underused statue budget, the town erects a statue of a Norwegian dog named Bamse. Bamse was famous for viciously goring any "Outsiders" that tried to come and live in the town. This was in-line with local opinions that people should "stick to their own" to maintain the unique gene-pool found in Montrose.
The loyal, enduring citizens of Montrose have enjoyed a mainly peaceful history. Unfortunately, local councillors have absolutely no ambitious plans whatsoever for the town dominated by the Glaxo-Smith-Kline pharmaceuticals company.