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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Moustache.
Even though mustaches are fluffy and admirable, please for god's sake give them a bath every once in awhile. Pictured is a winner from the World Beard and Moustache Championships

A Moustache is a rather small, hairy animal related to species such as Walruses, Bears, Mullets and Breast Hare. In the prehistoric times of the 1980's male hominids caught wild moustaches, tamed them and carried them in their upper lips in order to catch attention of females. The most publicised case of this is Dick Van Dyke's Moustache. However, for most this didn't work really well and the male had to turn to sodomy or shaking his twanger.

After the 1980s moustache have got more and more endangered, and their potential extinction is the World's biggest concern at the moment. Every conference on Climate Chancing, World Peace and Famine will be cancelled until this issue has been solved.

In the late 1990s Moustaches became very abundant once again when Monica Lewinsky made riding them a popular pastime for women.



Mustache is a contraction of must and ache; something that most probably hurts. This may be a reference to how a bad mustache hurts the eyes, or how much it may hurt to kiss someone with an uwieldy mustache, or how much it hurts to get stuff stick in one. The similarity in pronunciation to mistake is no coincidence: many mustaches result from mistakes. In fact, even if someone intentionally wears a mustache it is often considered a mistake


The mustache was invented in 1843 by a blind old guy's horse which believed it was eating harmless grass, not knowing the folly of its cunning crafting of the most evil and successful being ever. The first mustaches name was Bruce ( circa 1843 to infinate time loop ) [aside: the original author's brother met Bruce in a dream and told me all about it]. Bruce's first deed of notobility was commondeering the world's first time machine to travel back in time and breed its way through the cosmos. Bruce's accomplishments were quickly surpassed by such mustaches as those of the first frog and Joan of Arc.


There was once a time when the mustache, beard, and sideburns could collectively co-exist peacefully. This era is commonly reffered to as the 70's. Presently it's becoming exceedingly rare to find a sideburn, most of the scientific literature on the subject postulates that thier dissapearence is linked to bell bottoms, which vanished at roughly the same time.

In recent history the mustache has been in constant conflict with the beard. Beards are constantly at war with mustaches for dominance of the human race with mustaches clearly on the higher moral and metaphysical ground. Beards will eventually be forced into oblivion with no hope of overtaking the mustache in its divine intervention over humanity.

Alternative theory[edit]

Mustaches have played a critical part in human evolution, science, history, geography, spacetravel, jeans and the 70's. Mustaches have long been thought of to only inhabit the area's under men's ( and some women, including Margaret Thatcher's ) noses. After much research it was found that mustaches are actually a swamp-dwelling bird that has had a long running domination of the human race. There is usually a mustache at the front of every major human accompliment and deed of notobility.

Possible Moustache Uses[edit]

There are many possible reasons for having moustache, the best recommended by readers of "My Little Moutache" a weekly magasine:

  • Kudos in dictator interview
  • Hiding those irritating upper lip tatoos that say "Get it below" you thought looked great when drunk
  • brainwashing small children
  • Running for town hobbo
  • flirting with a goat

Moustaches are Evil[edit]

The Mustache is a human body feature, but also a social sign that follows the simple rule: The greater the mustache, the bigger the gun. This proves German Men and Turkish Women to be the most powerful creatures in the world, responsible for both WWI,WWII and upper middleclass black market household cleaning.

If you spot anyone with a moustache, chances are that they are planning to take over the world. Just look at this collection of evil moustache wearers: