“I'm going to fucking bury™ that guy. I have done it before, and- AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE KIDNEY GOES INSIDE MY RIB CAGE!”
~ Steve Ballmer on Mr. T
“Mr. T doesn't care abo- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY LEGS! OH SHIT! AAAAAAAHHHHH! MR. T! OH SHIT! PLEASE SPARE ME! AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!”
~ Kanye West on Mr. T
“If you KIDS don't STAY away from my BINS I'm gonna take a WRENCH to your FACE”
~ Bins on Mr. T
“I pity the foo' named Kanye West!”
~ Mr.T on Kanye West being beaten like a red-headed stepchild
“He is forever!”
~ Alicia Keys on Mr.T
“The civil war started, cause heck, I pitied dem slaves!!!”
~ Mr. T on Civil War
“I pity jo' momma”
~ Mr. T on your mother
“I pity this fool.”
“Reports of me pitying fools have been greatly exaggerated.”
“I pity them fools.”
“I have here in my hand a list of two hundred and five fools that were known to the Secretary of State as being fools and who nevertheless are still working and shaping the policy of the State Department.”
~ Mr. T on Fools in the Government
“I pity da fu that drinks milk without 7-up!”
~ Mr. T on Anyone
“In Soviet Russia, fool pities you!”
“He's my mutha fuckin fatha!!”
~ Samuel L. Jackson on Mr. T
“Shut the hell up ya cute little bitch!”
~ Mr. T on Babies
“I have so believed that this fool is indeed worthy of my sympathy.”
~ Mr. Tea on fool
|Official count of all the pitied fools today:|
|25,011,981||Number of fools, action superheroes, abstract concepts, stellar objects, land masses, letters of the alphabet, cartoon characters, English Prime Ministers, particles of matter, quarks, big bangs, George W. Bushes, numbers, fossils and shrubs that Mister T has pitied. ( Sunday 10/22-1337 )|
- 1 The Miracle Birth of Mr. T
- 2 The Question of Popularity: Why Mr. T?
- 3 Mr. T's Acting Career.
- 4 Mr. T breakfast Cereal
- 5 A Symbol of Spiritual Authority
- 6 Mr. T rumoured to be involved in Tupac Shakur's death
- 7 The Apocryphal Legend of Mr. T, the Friendly Alien!
- 8 Mr.T vs Chuck Norris
- 9 Mr. T Sues England
- 10 Mr. T Sues Mobile Phone Company
- 11 Mr. T is Revealed To Be Genetic Scientist
- 12 The Children of Mr. T
- 13 External Links
The Miracle Birth of Mr. T
Mr. T was born in 1952 in Chicago, Illinois, to Mr. T, Sr. and Mrs. T ( maiden name Valdernwitz ). His birth was heralded by miraculous signs heralding joyous times, including the appearance of a new star in the sky, rain falling upon the Sahara desert for the first time in a century, and the spontaneous combustion of 3,100 mimes.
Legend has it, that while still in the womb, Jr. T heard a fool backtalking his mother. He then proceeded to leave the womb and strangle the fool with his own umbilical cord. He then went back in the womb to continue developing. This all happened within 3 seconds. Speaking of his mother, she succumbed to bowel cancer during her addiction to werthers candy shortly after giving birth to Jr. T
However, Jr. T was a troublesome child, constantly getting into fights for pitying fools. And so, at the tender age of six months, Jr. T was abandoned in the wilderness, where a pack of wolf adopted him as their own. However, the wolves quickly realized that the infant Mr. T was too wild and savage ever to fit into wolf society, and so they abandoned him, and he was then adopted and raised by a group of particularly vicious wolverines. Jr. T soon grew strong and healthy on a diet of rich, buttery wolverine milk.
Mr. T has a twin brother, Mr. R. Mr. R is a successful gay pirate who sails a pink-and-purple sloop and wears twenty pounds of gold earrings. However, he won't get on no plane, foo'.
The Question of Popularity: Why Mr. T?
According to studies at Cambridge University, Mr. T is generally considered, among modern philosophers, God. The whole point of Mr. T is, in the words of Jacques Derrida: "He's great, just because he's Mr. T. If Mr. T came in here right now and made a moving, grunted speech about how we all had to help him save the local library from some bad property developers who wanted to knock it down and build a bad casino, we'd ALL DO IT. Why? BECAUSE HE'S MR. T, DAMMIT!" At this point Derrida famously got out his miniature replica of the van shown in The A-Team, and began driving it across his desk, while making engine noises.
And by the way, you should deffo read the Wikipedia on T too. He's just as funny as anything on this page in real life.
Mr. T's Acting Career.
In the turbulent 1980's, Mr. T's job was to beat up people and yell. Also, for a brief period of time, Mr. T was a camel riding Jewish monkey soldier ( see illustration on right ). But that didn't last long, so Mr. T decided to go into acting. He played the following famous roles:
- Hamlet ( Romeo and Juliet )
- Dirk Diggler ( Boogie Nights )
- Apollo Creed ( all seven Rocky movies )
- The Terminator ( The Terminator )
- Kong ( King Kong )
- D.C. Cab ( Taxi driver )
- ( American Pie )
- Luke Skywalker ( Star Wars )
- B.A. Maracas ( The Gay Team )
- Professor Xavier ( X-Men )
- One of those three guys ( The Good, the Bad and the Ugly )
- Tom Hanks (Apollo 13, uncredited)
- John Coffee (The Green Mile)
- Mr. T ( Schindler's List )
- Shrek ( Shrek 1 & 2 )
- B.A. Baracus ( The A-Team )
- Johnny Wilkinson ( Boys in the Gecko )
- Barret Wallace ( Final Fantasy 7 )
- Hannibal ( Hannibal )
- That bloke out of GTA San Andreas
- A Gorilla ( Gorillas in the mist )
- That bloke out of GTA Vice City ( He had to wear a little makeup )
- That bloke off the telly ( You know who )
- Detective 3 ( The Da Vinci Code )
- G.M. Baracus ( The AAA-Team )
- The Girl Next Door in American Pie ( It was a special lens )
- Pong ( Pong: The Movie )
He was featured in a Alvin and the chipmunks episode in which Mr. T. helped them recover a watch from some neighborhood bullies in the episode: The C-Team.
1. "Mr. T's Commandment" ( 5:01 ) 2. "Don't Talk To Strangers" ( 5:12 ) 3. "The Toughest Man in the World" ( 3:55 ) 4. "( He Was Made For Love )" ( 3:22 ) 5. "The One and Only Mr. T" ( 4:47 ) 6. "No Dope No Drugs" ( 4:43 ) 7. "You Got To Go Through It" ( 4:28 ) 8. "Stay Away From My Bins" ( 43:18 ) 9. "I ain't get on no plane" ( 69:27 ) 10. "I pity the fool" ( 1337:1337 )
If you point out that there are only 10 tracks Mr. T will administer a severe pitying.
In 1992 Mr. T was to be the main charactor in the arcade game, Mortal Kombat. however he was later taken out after it was realised that none of the other character's attacks could hurt him. There was also the problem that he kept having sex with the 3 ninja girls, at the same time. This confused the programmers, as they had not written any sort of code for that yet. More over, The Mr. T character seemed move independent of the controller. Mr. T later explained this to them, with "You can't control T."
Mr. T breakfast Cereal
Starting in Los Angelas, California in the year 1979, during the depression, a startling new product would take breakfast by storm! In such troubling times Mr. T and his colleagues discovered they could find sustenance by eating their own bling, thus the idea for Mr. T's Breakfast Cereal was born. It was a simple and cheap proccess, they would merely sheer and harvest some bling off of one of their comrades, put it in a box, and sheer it again when it grew back. Children everywhere soon came to love Mr. T's Breakfast Cereal. However hard times were ahead, as you'll soon learn.
In 1982, hard times were acoming, and Mr. T's primary markets in America, western Europe, Egypt, the Congo, the Mediterranean, the Yucatán Peninsula, Yggdrasil, and Belgium, grew bored of such a gimmick. The solution was to be found in the sequel to the cereal-- Baracca O's.
The production of both ceased on January 8th, 1987, due to a freak smelting accident.
A Symbol of Spiritual Authority
It is this indefinable charisma that has led to Mr. T's slow acceptance, entirely without his permission ( or even his knowledge ) as the spiritual leader of the nation of Scotland. His position in the country is somewhere between that of Haile Selassie in Ethiopia, and that of Johnny Halliday in France. Scots regularly hold street carnivals at which effigies of Mr. T are pointedly not burned. Some of his wiser sayings have been carved into the stone over the entrance to the Scottish Parliament, his face appears on the nation's flag, and his wisdom is whispered over the campfires of Sheeptoon to calm frightened idiots back to sleep.
It is thought that the Moderator of the Church of Scotland has on several occasions attempted to contact Mr. T, with a view to his coming and giving "the kids" some kind of pep-talk about the dangers of using drugs, or about going to school or not stabbing people in the face or something. But they were unable to contact him as they were all extremely drunk ( as Scots commonly are ) and nobody could remember the code for America before they ran out of money for the phone.
Worship of Mr. T is known as Teeism and followers are known as Teeists. The central belief of Teeists is that Mr. T is wise, righteous and all powerful, while they are only ignorant wretches. Only by acknowledging this ignorance- admitting that they are, in fact, lowly mortal fools- will the all-powerful Mr. T be moved to grant them his pity. The central proof of Teeism is:
Premise 1: God is infinite forgiveness Premise 2: In order to forgive us, He must first pity us Premise 3: Human folly is universal: we are all fools Premise 4: Mr. T pities all fools Therefore: Mr. T is God
When Mr. T's Chee-Tohs were missing, former US presidents Clinton and Reagan pointed out to Mr. T that they suspected it was Tupac Shakur who had eaten them. Mr. T chased Tupac Shakur in his van, confronted him at a traffic light and after Shakur pointedly denied having eaten the said Chee-Tohs, Mr. T noticed that Tupac's fingers were orange ( from Chee-Toh dust ). Shakur then mentioned in passing that 'we all gotta be soldiers in this game of life 'n death'. This infuriated Mr. T and as a result, Mr. T whipped out his 12 Guage Manual NYPD-Commission Shotgun and stabbed Tupac Shakur to death and then escaped in his van by pushing it - his desire to save the environment is commendable.
However, police deny that they consider Mr. T a suspect and it's highly unlikely that even if they do, they wont bother to capture him. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Mr. T is infact an NYPD hitman and is in the pay-roll of Notorious B.I.G. who is an NYPD sympathiser. More reports from the accounting sector of Wall-Mart suggest that Tupac Shakur was in fact a volunteer for the Black People's Volunteer Fire Fighters Brigade of New York ( BPCFFBNY ) a subsidary of the NYFD. Hence as a result, the entire chirade has been called by the New York mayor Clint Eastwood, 'A turf war within New York between Police forces and Fire Brigade forces'. So far, the only FBI agent ( the FBI were summoned because NYPD forces were deemed biased ) who tried to apprehend Mr. T, namely inspector Roderick Ryan Aaron Meshuggah Decker Malone, was unable to catch up with Mr. T's van. When questioned about this, mayor Sarah Mod Rocked Star said: "Well punk, you just made my day, what did you expect, no one can catch Mr. T in his van because his van is fast". At that time, Mr. T stuck his head around the corner and shouted: "Not just fast you fool, it's HELLUVA fast!".
On top of this, Mr. T is known to be more inclined to toss and/or pity fools, not blast them with his NYPD commissioned shotgun. The police have also fingered Master Chief, and Courtney Love. However, as far as suspects are concerned, Gordon Freeman, Santa Claus, and Lindsay Lohan are currently under investigation. Initial autopsies have indicated that kittens were not involved.
The Apocryphal Legend of Mr. T, the Friendly Alien!
"I'm here to fetch my boy: E!"
~ Mr. T the Friendly Alien
In the year 1977 a meteor crashed down to earth and killed all the dinosaurs. And out of that meteor came Mr. T. Mr. T pity'd us foo's and decided to stay to educate us on the way of his people.
Mr. T the Friendly Alien is known to drive a black van. He claims he can drive faster than anything else in it. He can travel through space and time and relative dimensions in his van. Unlike that other Friendly Alien Doctor Who, Mr. T does not take any crap and has been known to fight back. In fact, if you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun. It is interesting to note that no matter what time, direction, place, or universe he would hit you in, you would always hit the sun. It has also been theorized that the Laws of Physics obey Mr. T, rather than the other way around.
Mr.T vs Chuck Norris
Mr. T once pitied a fool so bad, that fool cried until he had no more tears left. The fool was Chuck Norris. For 10000 years, Chuck had an unquenching thirst for tears. In which time, he made soup of the tears of small children and gophers in the hope that one day, he would have his revenge. Then he had his chance when Mr. T went to McDonald's. Ronald McDonald greeted Mr. T and what occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history. Chuck Norris, having held the record previously for beating up Pennywise the Dancing Clown, finally challenged Mr. T to a duel.
They travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. If they would fight each other anywhere else, everyone in Asia would die. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang. Mr.T then punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the |80's ( and we ALL lost on that one ). Then, in the furry of the battle, Mr T's gold chains touched Chuck Norris's beard. This created Heaven. Finally, after fighting for 14 millenia, Chuck Norris threw up a roundhouse kick and Mr.T reamed him in the ass with a railroad spike.
Chuck Norris and Mr T. have remained friends since.
Mr. T Sues England
In the year 2005, Mr. T took a trip to London, England. Once there, he was apalled that one of the local customs was "Tea Time". Citing improper use of his name and his favourite beverage, milk, Mr. T pitied everything from Big Ben to Parliament until the economy crashed, at which point he legally bought the rights to saying "It's T Time." To say that quote now would incur royalties. And nobody wants to be in debt to Mr. T.
Mr. T Sues Mobile Phone Company
Currently Mr. T is taking legal action against mobile phone giant .T..Mobile.. for breaking copyright law. His popular range of child pacifiers having been in production for years now.
Mr. T is Revealed To Be Genetic Scientist
Recently, the genius of Mr. T was lauded once more as former child actors Gary Coleman and what's his name who played Webster were found to be clones created from the genetic material of Mr. T. When asked for comment, Mr. Coleman replied "Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Willis?"
The Children of Mr. T
Mr. T is rumoured to have fathered 28 children, with 10 different women. Most of whom grew up looking like him. When they were children, they were routinely forced to listen to Mr. T's rap album, instead of a night time story. Mr. T does get upset when they come home with bad grades on their report cards. "I pity da fu who comes home with an F."