From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Murder.
Norm the Genie in the act of comitting a murder against fairy god-parents, Cosmo and Wanda for uncovering his scheme to destroy Canada, and reporting it to the authorities ( Norm was found guilty of conspiracy and sentenced to 20 years trapped in George Carlin's lava lamp ) .

“In Soviet Russia, victim murders YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Murder
Ronald McDonald is murdered by the Burger King. The King was found not guilty you bastards!

A term invented during America's Prohibition era to refer to red rum without raising any suspicion. Unfortunately, due to murder also being a serious crime, it raised hell with suspicion and there were spankings all round.

Murder is the least survivable crime apart from fish smuggling, and many of the survivors (murderees) consider pressing charges against the murderers.

Scientifically Murder is defined as extroverted suicide.

Murder Fun Facts[edit]

  • Murder is currency of Sovietlands.
  • Murder was invented by Rockstar Games, Inc.
  • Crows are a species known for its murderousness, hence the expression: a murder of crows.
  • One out of every 3 Belgian cattle farmers is murdered.
  • Murder is the biggest export of Bogota, Colombia.
  • Jacques Chiraq is well known to have killed near to one million ducklings in his youth. But the French do not like ducklings very much because of the Snail famine of 1774 so he was voted president. Think about that the next time you buy a set of Michelin tires and some really stinky cheese, also known as coup de fromage.
  • Murder actually shows you are a very sane person with kindness in your heart.You take their life so they don't have to.

How to get murdered[edit]

Being murdered is easy! Unfortunately many people have difficulties getting murdered so Dæmonica will publish this little, hopefully helpful guide.

1. Choose an appropriate name

Not every name is suitable for getting murdered. Names like Peter, Andrew, John are too generic and and will significantly reduce your chances for being murdered. Here is a small list of suitable names:

The psychotic, hyperactive bunny Max from Sam & Max, caught in the act.
  • Tamia
  • Joshua
  • Hank
  • Dominik
  • Dick
  • Adolf
  • Sebastian
  • Ben
  • Moonwave
  • Jeffrey
  • James
  • Chris Marth
  • Kenny!!!!!!!!
  • Kenny!!!!!!!!
  • Kenny!!!!!!!!
  • Kenny!!!!!!!!
  • Kenny!!!!!!!!
  • Kenny!!!!!!!!
  • Michael
  • Kenny ( in case you ignored the last six )
  • Osama
  • Saddam
  • Augusto

While a name of course is far from being a guarantee ( in fact, many people with names like the ones listed above have only a little chance of being murdered due to other factors such as personality ) it is a first step.

2. High school sports

This is especially useful for the tough guys. While every kind of high school sport is useful, being a quarterback is one of the best choices. This, however may be problematic if you live in Europe but there are plenty of alternatives! In England you can be part of the rugby team and in the rest of Europe you can play soccer. You see, there is absolutely no reason to despair!

3. Listen to aggressive music ( Grrr! )

You have to build a reputation by listening to aggressive music ( Grrr! ) that shows everyone how agressive you are. Again, not every kind of music is suitable. You can listen to Techno ( oontz oontz oontz Grrr! ), College Rock ( I have absolutely no clue what that means, however ) or Rap. Note: Rap works best if you happen to be white ( or at least Asian ). Be sure to play your favorite music as LOUD AS POSSIBLE everywhere. in the car, at home, at school, everywhere. Do not be disturbed by angry comments by your peers.

4. Beat up the weaker ( optional )

This will not benefit you directly but it will help you to lose your grasp of reality even more by thinking that you are invincible and do not have to be afraid of anyone.

5. Flash your possessions on public

If you have expensive watches, cell phones, cars and jewelry, be sure that everyone sees them. Especially the friendly people with knives standing at the corner of the street. Showing your expensive things is a way to signal how rich and therefore lovable you are. If possible, do this in badly lit places at night. You will be amazed at how many people will spontaneously approach you.

6. Appropriate other people's culture

You can gain additional friends by appropriating other people's culture. Suitable cultures are: ravers, punks and gangstas. Since only gangstas carry firearms often, they may be the most suitable group. Ravers and punks are harmless anyway ( except the punk bands who use guns in their music videos ).

7. Walk into a place where member of this group are found

If you have followed the previous steps then all you have to do is walking into a group of people and possibly wearing a letterman jacket.

You've just got yourself murdered!

People who deserve to be murdered[edit]