N00b

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about N00b.
A n00b-Free Zone

n00b is an adjective, noun, and onomatopoeia of the natural sound made by the homo sapiens sub-species, virginus nerdius. In the wild, it is used to both alert other "nerds" of looming bully|predators, and to identify how many hit-points one has left. In capitivity, the latter is only heard. In retrospect, it is similar to that of a duck's quack or a cow's moo.

As noun and adjective, the word can describe or identify an individual who has a "n00b"-like status, which can include:

  • A low level
  • Killing somebody/being killed
  • Being new to life
  • Being gay

Onomatopoeia[edit]

This is the every-day sight for n00bs.
A typical internet user calling some random person a noob and thus condemning their soul to eternal damnation. Yup, this person has EARNED the right to call you a noob, maggot!

In 1974, Dungeons and Dragons was released by Gaygax [1]. The game became instantly popular to what was, at the time, considered "nerds" ( or Star Trek fans ). This new breed of nerd, through evolution, began communicated through both basic computer programming languages and coordinates similar to that of a Chess board's. Through these two dialects, and a combination of Klingon, "n00b" began. The official meaning means. "New Person or Player to the game"

Although Dungeons and Dragons became the root of the noise, it wasn't until the late 90's and beyond, through such games as StarCraft and Half-Life, that the word began its spread of taint throughout the intarweb. Other games, such as Warcraft and Run Escape made it easy for these gamers to gather, spend countless hours staring at a computer screen ( the original reason for their wearing glasses ), and campaigning to level 70, only to proudly display his/her stats. It's not until this level of maturity, which is usually achieved at the age of 12 with a chain mail and mithril sword, that they are fully capable of entering the Champion's Guild and can begin using any of the numerous derivatives of the noise "n00b".

Noun & Adjective[edit]

Although its intent is to humiliate and degrade somebody, the word "n00b" actually implies that the person using the word:

  • Has no life, as suggested by the simple fact that they spend countless hours playing particular computer/video-games ( Runescape ).
  • Is quite simply just a nerd who daydreams of beds.
  • Is therefore a Trekkie.
  • Believes UFOs will come to take them away and probe them ( which is the closest thing they can get when it comes to sexual pleasure ).
  • And thereby thinks that the Federation could destroy the Star Wars Empire.
  • Is covered in zits and pops them and is scientifically proven incapable of talking to girls.
  • Is constantly heard screaming "I sH007 uR 13G, wHY u N07 d13??"

Although the word itself can be rightfully used to describe an extremely annoying or stupid player, the above section still stands. Here are some common conceptions and facts about what nerds call, "n00bs":

  • Scientists conjecture that the common n00b phrase "Hael me plz!!1" is the closest thing n00bs possess to a battle cry. Some other common n00b phrases in MMORPGOMGLOLWTFBBQs are "giv me 1g". When the noob gets owned they tend to utter phrases such as "im going to get ma dad to come round and shoot you if you do not give me money" and the common classic for World of Warcraft "hahaha i am the CS: Source champion of the US". Replace US with server country and CS: Source with 'FPS that has nothing to do with RPGs'.
  • Many agree that most n00bs' CAPS LOCK keys are permanently stuck in the down position at birth.
  • n00bs are also incapable of using the letter !, and are known to break out into a frenzy of 1s, or if in particular danger/pleasure/general confusion the random extension of 2s and even the ever-controversial " ( speechmark ) ( the forever controversial invention of 1881 ). This may, however, be secret binary code sent to other n00bs, but that would just be silly. If so, the n00bs' mastery of ineptitude would most likely render both the encoding and decryption flawed, and the already incoherent messages they send would become even more difficult to understand.
  • The term is commonly confused with newb, noob, nub, and also q00u. This is a misconception, because, although n00bs are identical in every imaginable way to newbs, noobs, and q00us, in reality each belongs to a different phylum in taxonomic classification. n00bs are more closely related to the common chocolate biscuit than to newbs, noobs, or q00us.

Learning, maturity, age and intelligence are inversely proportional to one's propensity to call someone a "n00b". The younger and stupider you become, the more likely you are to call someone a "n00b" or a "fugly slit111". And no, young people are not entitled to use the internet as much as older people. This is because we are simply better than you, and always will be. Clearly, because you are "n00bs" at life, to use your own weird logic.

This is how you spot a n00b

Dealing with n00bs[edit]

In 2003, a short book was published by self-acclaimed "Master of Diablo" Eric Shaeffer, titled, Dealing with n00bs. Below is an excerpt from the book, page 49:

Under no circumstances should you ever talk to a n00b. They are highly dangerous. If you DO get in a direct conflict with a n00b, it is best to use one of the following tactics explained below.

n00bs are often confused on internet games with deranged, semi-conscious, amputated llamas with little brain matter, because of the similarity in their gameplay abilities. In the event of an encounter with a n00b, one should take the following precautions:

  1. Turn off chat to prevent grammatically incorrect language overloads.
  2. If you cannot disable chat, turn off your computer immediately and curl up on the floor in a brace position. Do not contact relatives as n00biness is contagious and can spread to your loved ones.


Other Methods

The most primitive way to deal with a n00b is to smash their skull in with a large object. While they often inadvertently do get to do this to themselves by running into concrete walls, it still proves to be an effective method of n00b destruction. Another very effective way to deal with n00bs is to use a purple twinkie.

Alternatively, you can fill their MSN inbox with spam and chain-mail; unable to contemplate their sudden popularity, they will jump off nearby cliffs in the false belief that they will be caught due to their immense popularity. Be sure to use more than one email address, as they, will, in rare instances, realize the truth.

A more indirect way of n00b destruction is telling one that there is A PS5 in the middle of the freeway. This will make the n00b retrieve the PS5 while getting their ass ran over.

Remember n00bs, regardless of their constant training, are totally inept at the usage of 1337. Whenever attempts to converse with n00bs are made using 1337 it will cause their small brains to blow and ooze out their ears. n00bs that are exposed to such verbal pwnage for prolonged periods will eventually die.

Also, you must remember that a n00b will eventually destroy themselves (because they dont reproduce, if you know what it mean). The typical n00b has so much spyware on thire PC, and respond to so much of it's crap, that they eventually sell themselves to North Korea and/or Roger Moore and are never seen again.

Note: There are currently 30 n00bs in captivity at the San Diego Zoo.


The following is another excerpt from the chapter on "Foreign Noobs" and "Origins", pages 87-92:

Foreign Noobs

When, on the rare occasion that they acquire a PC, some Mexicans have found a way to hook up to the intarwebs. They can often be spotted by their native bastardization of n00berisms. For example, "We are noobs" would be "nosotros somos nooblamos", and so on. Also, they often times feel it necessary to insert their dialects into text-based communication, and will be prompted to place a G at the end of words that end in an and on.

Asian players are often times prompted to use internet translators to communicate with other English speaking players, resulting in a butchered version of Engrish. Common phrases that are used include "I am lag!" and "We roll on item now". Why these people even bother is still unknown, seeing as any attempt at communication results in ninja-looting the Sacred Charge from my Warrior.

By far the worst are the Americans. These people constantly lag and can't spell words like "you", "A", "I" or "potato". Many often find their ways onto overseas servers causing chaos and disrupting the general happiness of the server, then question why they got booted.

Which is bullshit because Europeans are stupid. They get on at like 4 am and OMG nobody is on. They cant figure out why because they are too stupid to understand time zones. Especially bad is the Dutch because they talk funny and think they're brilliant..

Recent studies show that the majority of n00bs found these days are often extremely timid. As such, an effective means of removing a n00b is to send him to a shock site. You shall most likely never see him again unless you are in the neighbourhood of the local insane asylum.

WARNING: n00bs can'tnot spellld muchly correctly, their4, if u cn't deal w/ they, then quit game NOW!!! B'cause we r 1337 chethupè! hackzors!!!!1!!1! PS3 iss teh ROXXERS!!! 4 ,reel leIf!!!

Origin

n00bs trace their beginnings from the country of n00bia near ancient Egypt. n00bians were kicked out of Egypt for being retarded; they embarked on a great exodus to a barren, empty wasteland which they named, "n00bia" and built shitty ass pyramids to try to copy pyramids of Egypt's but their pyramids sucked.

n00bs are the primary cause for decline in online pop culture

Their first ruler was King n00b I. They were conquered by Egyptians and were made slaves but sent into exile because the n00bians were useless. n00bians remained in obscurity until the invention of the computer.