A Nerd ( homo smartus or virginus nerdius ) is a super sexy halterofilist. While some lucky individuals are born Nerds, the rest of us have to work hard in order to achieve such potential.
In the beginning, there was Al Gore, and Al Gore said "let there be porn", and so there was the Internet. Then, Al Gore made the Nerd, in his own likeness...
The Nerds all descend from a gifted group of data files that was downloaded by God in 1982 to a computer classroom in Lincoln NE. The original seven Nerds each represented a different pillar of geekdom.
They are, from left to right
Nerds have only existed for the last 250 years. Before that, individuals who were nerdlike were called twats, buggers and "Your Highness".
Nerds are a sub-species of the genus Homo Sapiens Nerdicus. They are much like miniature humans, with long gangly arms, short thin legs, and large limpid pools for eyes ( much like Gollum ). Many nerds also have a hunch, which is developed from living in their parents attic or basement for many years. Nerds can also be distinguished by their terrible facial acne, elongated heads and glasses.
Except for the noble few ( some 1 out of 6 Billions ) who can make himself the richest guy out of his nerdish genius, most nerds are miserably regarded by other people as somewhat between a full-fledged cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corners of the month when people get really thirsty.
Nerdic fashion can be frightening in the first encounter. Trousers are worn around the midsection rather than the hips. This is because nerds actually lack hips of any sort; instead they have hinges attaching legs to pelvis. The odd, shambling gait of Nerdkind is attributed to this, as they can only throw their legs forward rather than walk. Nerds generally wear shirts or t-shirts. Shirts will be tucked into the waist, and secured by a faux-leather belt. T-shirts will generally bear a hideously unfunny joke, comprehensible only to other nerds, or a Dungeons and Dragons logo.
Nerd clothing can be used to distinguish the two kinds of nerd. The clothes of the nerd which lives away from its parents will be stained, as nerds have no knowledge whatsoever of laundry. The clothes of the nerd still living with his parents will be clean, ironed and starched, limiting the movement of these nerds.
Most nerds live off a diet of ordered fast-food, as they dare not venture far from their nest. Nerds have a unique stomach: it digests only a fraction of all eaten food and bypasses protein completely. This is why nerds are skinny and have massively underdeveloped physiques. Nerds also miss many essential vitamins from only eating fast food, which is why their skin is so pale, and many develop scurvy.
- It should be noted some nerds lose their ability to bypass protein completely. They become large and will never mate.
- It should also be noted that on rare occasions, a condition called Weirdis paradoxis transcendental thinneningis can occur when the nerd loses the ability to lose the ability to bypass protein. The nerd stays thin, but develops strange forehead ridges, abnormal hear growth, muscle growth and repeatedly tries to order a strange imaginary foodstuff known only as gagh from takeaways.
Nerds will set up a nest in their chosen residence, which will be either in student accommodation with other nerds ( such as the chess club ) or in their parents' house. Nerd nests are very dark, as all windows will be covered, and dominated mainly by a computer, where a Nerd will spend most of his time. Nerd nests can be dangerous; anyone who touches the computer of a Nerd will be attacked viciously . Many Nerds are rabid so if you are bitten by a Nerd you should see a doctor immediately. Other hallmarks of a Nerd nest are fast food containers, computer magazines, rare comic books, lots of sticky porn magazines, and a heap of scrunched-up paper which the Nerd will sleep on.
Nerds are native to several locations including Slashdot, Kuro5hin, Seattle, Uncyclopedia... yes, you are on the way of becoming a nerd yourself.
POLITE, BUT FAIRLY STERN WARNING: If you suspect you are becoming a nerd, contact a doctor immediately. If you don't you will experience the following symptoms:
- Walking down the high street past the TV shop and press your nose against the glass for a few seconds to watch Star Trek.
- Spending hours in your local comic book store to find the one ( insert name of collector's comic book series ) comic that you do not currently own.
- Feeling an odd attraction to any woman to have ever played any role on Star Trek
- Renting Battlestar Galactica.
- Stating that becoming a level seven dungon master is the greatest achievement of your life
- Registering to become a member of Startrek.com.
- Editing Uncyclopedia
At this point, the person your friends and family previously knew will be lost forever, disappearing within the barren wastes of his now-Vulcan cerebral cortex.
Nerds are semi-nocturnal creatures, and will sleep for a few hours during the day before returning to their computer. The majority of the time a Nerd spends on his/her computer will be on internet forums, where they will sneer at everything they consider to be of a lower class than them, which, they believe, is everything. And when they carry out vocal conversation with other nerds, if any at all, they would inevitably sneer at everyone whose speciality is of a lower class than their art of programming, which they also believe everything is; an exception to this is when they are talking with non-nerds, whom they will never have the balls to attack in real life.
Despite their being defenceless against non-nerds, these "non-nerd bastards" will nevertheless be regarded as losers who are too stupid and pathetic to understand the higher human truth shared by the Nerd community, a place where these blasphemers would suffer from eternal damnation ( for example, in an Internet forum ); the effects of this damnation in real life are still in question, though. Many Nerds have put forward theories that Nerdom is the highest state of being, which have later proved to be wrong.
The social life of the Nerd consists of e-mailing other Nerds ( using internally programmed toasters ), school/college/university, and the single out-nest meeting place of Nerds, comic book stores. Many nerds are also to be found in stores such as "LEGEND", "MYTHOLOGY", or "TOYS 'R' US". Sometimes, Nerds hang out in the baby's section in the local store, claiming to "want to fit in. Most of the time, nerds talk in their widely accepted language of binary. This continues to baffle leading experts on nerdology. The other pastime of the Nerd is playing Dungeons and Dragons, which is a board game mainly consisting of imagining things, and has been condemned by the Catholic Church as being an introduction to the Dark Arts, and that all who play will burn in Heck. Often, they will claim to be superior by being a level 62 dragon-knight with mithril-plated boots in various games.
Often Nerds have loads of friends ( on their favourite games ). These games can be World of Warcraft, RuneScape, Diablo 2, Half Life 2 Deathmatch and Lineage 2. These friends are frequently NPC's or other Nerds. Most Nerds take pride in having a level 62 dragon-knight with mithril-plated boots that they spent 47,268 hours on getting for a couple pixels.
The majority of Nerds are believers of Star Trek, a mysterious religion based around an old space expedition. Nerds will flock thousandfold to conventions, where they will dress up as their Gods and perform strange and terrible rituals. There is no official head of the Nerd religion, though the announcer at the convention is treated as a nominal leader. The God Spock is thought of as the ideal for all Nerds, none of whom ever attain such a state. Interestingly, all Nerds are secretly attracted to the Goddess Captain Janeway. Other than that, Eastern Orthodox or Judaism are the religions of choice. There also have been known cases of satan worship among nerds who play D&D. Lately, Nerds have been found to be obeying Draenism, which is done by playing World of Warcraft 13 hours a day.
Nerds and race
The nerdish race was a term used by the populations of both Nerds and non-nerds. While the Nerds use it as a symbol of their self-proclaimed technical superiority, the non-nerds deem it more appropriate to use it to classify the Nerds out of their community.
Many Nerds envisage a day, most probably inspired by science fiction which sets the stage at 30000 AD, when the nerdish race becomes the only race capable of creating and maintaining culture and civilization, while other races such as the "handsome race" and the "socially presentable race", will be barely able to sustain their lives without help from the Nerds. Many books and movies have put forward this glorious vision of their future; most notably, The Revenge of the Nerds.
Nerds and S.E.X.
It is a commonly held misconception that Nerds have zero sex drive, as all the hormones in their bodies escape through burst pimples and evaporates into the surrounding air. In truth, the Nerd is merely a painfully shy beast incapable of communications with the opposite sex unless helped by prodigious amounts of alcohol. This handicap is exacerbated by the fact that the Nerd who manages to actually flirt with a woman will almost always be rejected due to his skeletal physique/acne/Dungeons and Dragons anecdotes/fully erect penis the size of a housefly. This is in fact a sad situation as, once house-trained, a Nerd will often make a loyal and loving companion for a young lady. The closest they usually come to this is fantasizing of their God ( Spock ) or Goddess ( Captain Janeway ).
On the rare chance a Nerd mates it's usually with another Nerd. The offspring are known as "Nerdlings" or "Nerdlets" and will always grow up to be a Nerd. However, even among nerds this is rare because women among nerds are very rare and the mating rituals involve complicated application of charm spells.
Definition of safe sex for Nerds
Contrary to popular belief, Nerds do in fact need sex. Due to their superior genetic nature, their sex partners are always their computers and moist towelettes. During their sexual arousal, their faces will undergo muscle restructuring and their facial nerdish characteristics will automatically manifest themselves such that they look like having suffered from extreme fire burn. Reports from the latest research showed that some 30% of Nerds do cry out during orgasm, which is effectively their only chances of practicing their vocal folds, while the remaining 70% have already lost their speaking abilities.
For Nerds, their definition of safe sex is a bit different from others'. For them, safe sex is when they jerk off with a clean moist towel, while unsafe sex is widely regarded as jerking off with a rotten moist towel stained with sperm from last week ( or last hour ) or those used by other Nerds in their community.
Predators of the Nerd
The main natural predator of the Nerd is the bully. Nerds live in perpetual fear of bullies, and will scuttle from dark corner to dark corner when they leave the nest. Bullies can sniff out a Nerd from two-hundred metres, as the Nerd releases a hormonal chemical called geekisterone ( actually <<Poindextrose>>, but they don't watch The Simpsons anyway ) when they sweat, speak, and or urinate. The only way nerds can fight back is on-line. The Nerds usually become administrators of various on-line activities where they take revenge on the bullies. For example Uncyclopedia, and it's lame satire Wikipedia, were established so that Nerds will be able to delete whatever the bullies have written, while refering them to some obscure "law of Uncyclopedia".
Common Nerd-spotting Mistakes
When a nerdwatcher spots a Nerd wandering down the street he has to make sure that the nerd is an actual nerd and not a geek. Geeks are regular humans with an lesser IQ rating, and are smaller, more frail and more acne-covered than nerds. The best test of Nerd or Geek is to check the nest.
The Geek nest is grungy, dark and rank, and will feature a large selection of books and a chemistry set as well as a computer. The Nerd's nest is probably Uncyclopedia. Another outstanding feature of a geek that separates them from Nerds is that geeks, especially of the pencil-neck variety, are often hunted by professional wrestler Classie Freddie Blassie, who once swore to kill all grit-eatin', scum-suckin', dirty smelly pepper-bellied cotton-pickin' freaks ( pencil neck geeks ).
unfortunatly due to global warming, pollution and other mystirous scermustance a sub-species of geek has emerged .This form of geek once resembled a normal human but the lure of a glowing computer screen and the seeming elusiv "coolness" forced them in to counter strike and in a ever downward spiral they find them selves playing world of warcraft or dungons and dragons. these beings may resemble humans but just just mention WoW around them and you will see what they truly are.
There are also many misconceptions as to what classes of Nerds there are. Class 3 Nerds are the lesser evolved and are usually found in the footsteps of a Class 1 or 2 Nerd. Class 3 Nerds have no common sense, but alas common sense isn't that common anymore. Class 2 Nerds are those whose life's purpose is to become the ultimate Nerd or Class 1 Nerd. The ultimate Nerd is someone who will get into arguments with others such as "Everyone knows you at least need a hyper drive to outrun the Millenium Falcon" and "The star ship Enterprise has some serious design flaws that could be fixed with a simple antimatter globaldiscombobulation device". Class 1 Nerds will spend hours at a time constantly rearranging their magic deck to better trick the opponent. They have been found to draw immaculate paintings which apparently say " I love my spleen!".
Luckily, Glamour magazine has published some tips on being nerdy. Below are a few of the suggestions they made for those individuals looking to be called a Nerd:
- Style - dress like you don't care. Girls like you because of your natural sex-appeal
- Social - read Slashdot a lot. The chicks dig it
- Money - spend it all on hardware an D&D-rulebooks ( chicks dig the expenditure of money. )
Nerds vs. Geeks
There has been a long waged war of nerds versus the geeks. The 1000 year war has, so far, had over one trillion dollars in damages and 6 known deaths. The death of Steve Irwin is currently being investigated after the years old debate on whether his show "The Crocidile Hunter" was of the nerd, geek, loser, or the dork category. Most of the nerdologist and geekologist have been questioning the family of the stingray that stabbed him.
To make sure one last fucking time that you know what the difference between a geek and a nerd is, nerds are simply lone, highly intelligent beings. Nerds spend their time creating new technology, such as the computer. Nerds do not seem to be interested in video games or a certain comic or even anything other than science. Geeks, however, are socializing creatures( only successfully sociable with other geeks though ), and they are devoted to a certain club or only play video games and spend their time on Uncyclopedia. Geeks are actually a genetic family. There are different species of geeks, such as the listed: band geek, World of Warcraft geek, anime geek, Trekkie, Trakkie, Star Wars geek, and the classical geek.
Each faction has their own strengths. The nerds have high ranking IQ's and are able to engineer mind games stronger than the average 16 sided Rubic cubes. The geeks have the advantage of their own well structured hierarchy, with Grand Wizard Level 140 as their supreme ruler before their supreme god Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has not shown divine interest with the geeks since their creation in the year 451 B.C. Though, they have their weaknesses. Nerds do not have the ability to socialize at all, even with other nerds. This has given geeks the impression that all nerds are just as frail as them, making them easy targets for an ambush with their palidans as a group. Though, it has been seen several times through history, in rare, outrageous situations the nerds will actually band together to create something similar to Optimus Prime. Last time this happened was in the post World War IV era whenever the empire of Taiwan was destroyed, which was one of the worlds largest suppliers of robots.
The war of the nerds and geeks continues to be written. Arnold Schwarzenegger is rumoured to star in the war ( we can only hope ).