New Mexico

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New Mexico is the vernacular name for the region considered by a small group of people to be a separate entity from Mexico. This is untrue.

Nuevo Speedy, el ratón más rápido del mundo, descubrió Nuevo México en el siglo XVI
  • Language: Nuevo Español (New Spanish)
  • Founded: Cinco de Mayo, 1776 by the Nuevo Speedy Gonzales, fastest mouse in all of Nuevo México.
  • Capital: New México Cuidad, Distrito Fédérale, México
  • Currency: Nuevo Peso
  • President: Nuevo Vicente Fox
  • Favourite pastimes: Sneaking into the Excited States when the Megatexas Border Patrol isn't looking, collecting old Bugs Bunny cartoons

History[edit]

The President of Mexico Jose Juan Fernando Gonzalez ("JJFG"), made a bet with the governor of the now - New Mexico area in 1976. The bet was never revealed to the public, but it is thought to involve a flamingo, a whip, and a Richard Nixon mask.

After having lost the bet, and "as promised," leaving the country, JJFG broke off, and with the help of the Police, he helped create a meme that quickly spread--the concept of a "New" Mexico. The border is entirely mental in nature; there are no physical boundaries.

Followers of The Double J-Fig (as some of his associates call him) insist that their state exists, and to prove this, have their Indepence Day on the same day as Mexico. The only logical solution was a dance-off, and unfortunately, the dance-off has lasted until 2005. Mexican dancers have high endurance, and there have only been 3 on each side in the past 27 years. The event is so constant that it has become an innocuous, yet critical part of Mexican/New Mexican culture.

The dancers dance in Olé Stadium 24/7, 365.

Unlike most Mexicans, the Olé dancers are very dedicated, very clean, and very capable.

Infamous New Mexican Duel[edit]

In 1999, fearing Y2K, Billy the Kid moved to New Mexico. Having reformed himself, his plan was to run for governor and "Whip this place into shape!" Thanks to his army of thugs, he was able to garner a large amount of support and obtain enough funds to begin to run insulting commercials about Democrats. It looked like he would be able to obtain the position uncontested. The governor position had been empty for several years, as no one wanted to govern a useless Mexican state.

However, 3 months before the election, Billy encountered opposition. The famous New Mexican kid, international playboy Michael Kidblount, after having travelled the world in search of the fabled Golden Girlfriend had returned. He didn't like the idea of his state being taken over by some "criminal foreigner." He decided to run on the Democratic ticket.

Using the slogan, "If you are going to vote for me, don't make fun of me later," Kidblount was able to raise large support among the mother population of New Mexico, although none of them would even think of letting him near their daughters.

At January 1, 2000 12:00 AM, Billy the Kid was found dead in his hotel room, the result of an apparent suicide. Later analysis determined that a bug in his trusty six shooter had caused the fatality.

Kidblount won the election by a narrow margin.

Sloth[edit]

The New Mexico state mammal is the sloth. The New Mexican people view the sloth as a holy beast sent down by Jesus to smite the evil Julio Manuel Maurice Sanchez for unleashing a horrible plague of roadrunners many centuries ago. Every October, sloths are slaughtered by the hundreds and eaten raw by the locals because according to the bible, he who eats a sloth is eating Jesus therefore gaining his powers. Powers gained for eating a New Mexican sloth are the ability to drive a monster truck while under the influence of cocaine, super-human strength but only throughout your right ear, the ability to piss delicious beer called corona. The New Mexican sloth is noted as being a fierce hunter and often tracks, stalks, kills, resurrects and kills again many unsuspecting babies who dare to travel into the damp swamps of New Mexico. If properly trained they can make a good pets and can even do tricks.

Geography[edit]

New México's landscape is nothing but vast desert, with only a handful of nomadic, tribal communities. Water is scarce, and virtually no modern technology exists, save in extremely lucky portions of the nation. Underground caverns do exist, but they are largely controlled by Drow Elves and are not suitable for most New Mexicans to habitate. The village of Santa Fe is considered to be the most prosperous, as it is populated primarily by wealthy kitten huffers who do not actually live amongst the natives, but only spend select seasons in New México when male prostitutes are at their cheapest. The only plant that grows naturally is the saguaro cactus, which has the amazing ability to survive without water, deriving all of the food that it needs by attacking and catching stray tourists and absorbing the mosture and nutrients they contain.

The capital, New México City, is a remarkable city made entirely from over-stock copies of Tony Hillerman novels. Few people know that New Mexico even has a capital due to the vast number of nomadic casino cartels that roam its land. It also has a mysterious, navigational anomaly associated with it, in that any traveller who makes a right turn once reaching the city, will inevitably wind up at the wrong destination, thus only travellers who make a left turn have successful journeys.

New Mexico's national anthem is "La Cucaracha", by Sarah Brightman. Their national plant is a Cigarette Butt and the national animal is Magilla Gorilla (owing to a lack of real animals from which to select).

Major cities[edit]

Famous New Mexicans[edit]

External links[edit]

See also[edit]

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