Nostradamus

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Michel de Notredame.
One of Nostradamus's more accurate predictions was the exact form of the "Westside" gesture.

In Soviet Russia, future predicts YOU!

~ Soviet Russia on Prophecy

You will be reading this

~ Nostradamus on you

I predict a real bad earthquake on Tamia's Birthday

~ Nostradamus on Earthquake

I predict a great super woman who plays piano-forte and sings - the name is ... Alexis ... Clavos and comes from the New City by the garden and she will marry a Swiss Beatle

~ Nostradamus on the life of Alicia Keys
One of Nostradamus's more accurate predictions was the exact form of the "Westside" gesture.

Nostradamus di Polysorbate ( b.1399–d.1460–r.1960 )

This silly alchemist and paperback writer who believed he could tell the future is most famous for inventing pie and magic eight balls, compiling and marketing the hat, and murdering some guy with a prediction of his death by chocolate overdose after his reincarnation in 1960. Six words he uttered during a rather boisterous rain dance led to the eventual formation of hair bands. He was also credited with having the most hairy back of any man to ever have lived and he loved to wear the same pair of green tights and hot pink high heels every day for his entire life.


The Prophecies[edit]

Historically, Nostradamus was regarded as one of the best prophecy writers of the 13th century, penning the bestsellers The Da Vinci Code and 1984 which both won Ivor Novello Awards for their lyrical content. Most prophets of his generation were stoned, but he was more unconventional, preferring to inject marmite. Amongst his prophecies, he managed to have several published in popular science journal The Bible, but more recently he is largely credited for the popularity of The Book of Revelation.

The Predictions[edit]

Some of his more notable predictions of future events are summarised in the table below:

</TR> </TR> </TR> </TR> </TR> </TR> </TR> </TR> </TR> </TR>
DateEventWas he right?

December 25

40 B.C.

The Birth of Jesus Christ, saviour of the human race and self-titled "Superstar", to parents Mary Queen of Scots and God of Heaven, in a manger with no crib for a bed.

Correct—although the manger was actually a brothel, temporarily used to store livestock while the club was under investigation for Mafia connections.

January 21

A.D. 1444

The death of Joe Tailor, a tailor from Sunderland, stricken with the plague.

Correct—Joe died aged 40 with final words "Let Doris have my teeth."

July 1

A.D. 1460

The death of Nostradamus, by a completely unavoidable and unpredictable accident involving a noose and a bucket.

Correct—Nostradamus himself died that very day in exactly the way he predicted he would. What a guy.

September 1

A.D. 1939

The outbreak of a Great War in which millions would die, terrible events would befall the Jews of Europe and for the next five years the entire world would be turned to black and white.

Correct—this was the year in which the block-buster World War II began filming in Poland, taking five years to complete and leading to the suicide of its director, Adolf Hitler.

September 1

A.D. 1977

The invention of a hideous new weapon which will threaten life on Earth with total annihilation. This terrible device falls into the hands of the world's greatest superpower, who swears to use it only as a defence in the battle against hostile alien invasions. Correct—Meatloaf released the album "Bat out of Hell," which is perfectly described by the prophecy.

March 5

A.D. 1984

The entire world is converted to a fascistic communist oligostate with imaginary macronations introduced to keep people loyal. Observation is carried out on all citizens and the fictitious leader Big Bertha rules all. The year 1984 will become synonymous with an omnipresent surveillance system and repeatedly cited henceforth by all those who want an excuse to moan about CCTV. Incorrect—although communism did exist in 1984 it was quickly covered up by the CIA. Omnipresent surveillance wasn't feasible at this time but boy, did they try. Bertha actually did exist, she grew up to marry a farmer in Ohio, she had four children and died on February 2, 1984 aged 39 from a shotgun injury.

May 20

A.D. 1986

Cher marries a bagel boy, but the marriage lasts only about a year or so before the pressure of excessive media scrutiny drives the two lovers apart. Incorrect—although Cher did marry Robert Camilletti on or near this date, Camilletti was not actually a bagel, and had already reached voting age. Moreover, it is generally accepted now that the two were driven apart not by media scrutiny, but by a pack of hungry locusts.

January 1

A.D. 2000

The Apocalypse—the final battle 'twixt good and evil in which the chosen would enter the kingdom of Heaven and the rest would carry on their mundane,tax-raisin', welfare whorin, surrendin', gay-marryin', fetus-killin' lives on Earth.

Incorrect—although it was recorded as the biggest collective hangover in the history of alcohol.

[[AD|January 1]

A.D. 2001

Ah, but we're forgetting that A.D. started at one! Hang on, renormalise... ok, The Apocalypse—the final battle 'twixt good and evil etc. etc.

Incorrect—although the smug few who postponed millenial celebrations until now felt a little miffed that their party wasn't quite as bangin'.

March 31

A.D. 2004

The Catholic Church is threatened by the Illuminati, a shadowy group of militant atheists, who attempt to blow it up with a nonexistent pseudo-scientific plot device.

Incorrect—although the Pope's state of health did decline somewhat during this year.

January 14

A.D. 2005

The UK National Lottery numbers will be 13, 16, 29, 10, 22, and 6. The bonus ball will be 2.

Incorrect—The incompetent fucking bastard.

January 1

A.D. 2008

Right—this is it. The Apocalypse's got to happen at some point, so why not now. But, wait! Something's coming up on the crystal ball. By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth! Is that a 500 foot
Jesus I see?! Nah, this can't be. Let's try the next week then. Oh, it's the same. I'm outta here.

To be confirmed.


Verses[edit]

Nostradamus wrote his propecies in quatrains, using iambic tetracycline. Sometimes he wrote them in the shower instead of quatrains, but the ink ran and most of these "all wet" predictions have been lost.

On the next-but-fifteenth phantom jet 
The fat man cannot see his toes
The king sleeps in rain, his socks are wet
A man eating ice-cream and beer soon blows.
---
Believed to predict the destruction of the Berlin Wall.
The tower of fools is builded apace
In the country of pizza there is indigestion
A mole is cyrogenically removed from the face
Of the wizard who made the suggestion.
---
This refers to a public toilet in Bruges, which overflowed briefly in 1934.
Above the ground, the serpent seeks
In fiction, a man wanders from plot to plot
Unruly, the outcome, with screaming sky
The gizzards of vultures are seen at the show.
---
Possible prediction of Snakes on a Plane, altough probably the assasination of Arch Duke Ferdinand.
When the morning star does smell of cheese
The wool is pulled over n00bies eyes
Marie d' Annecy sure has nice knees
I'd like the chance to nip her thighs.
---
This is an obscure prediction. Marie d' Annecy obviously refers to the
Pope, and the morning star is equated with Kinseyian sexual economic 
theory. But the common interpretation of nip as Japanese is 
anachronistic and there is no evidence that Nostradamus ever referred to a
person of Oriental extraction as a "Nip", nor that he referred to Spaniards as
"greasy Dagoes who dance on tables". For further analysis, see the four-volume
work, The 1138th Quatrain of Nostradamus: Eschatology or Scatology? by 
Professer Zelda Thorpemuffin, published by Dead Raccoon Press in 1963.

Nostradamus Ate My Hamster[edit]

and God spake unto the hamster, clean thy toes and thou shall be saved, fool me twice, shame on me.

Less Famous but yet Debated Predictions[edit]

"She shall have a round face. She will have clean feet, but very dirty, dirty, filthy socks. I will not pay more than five Florins this time."

"This rubberband hurts. You will see."

"I can't feel my legs! This will not end well!"

"The goddamn bottom is covered in yeast, this ale is ruined, but yet I will not stop drinking!"

"The optimal niche market for wholesalers in Germany will be transparent catheters; but it requires rash investments and unloading, since oversupply will occur rapidly despite the perverted nature of the fat bastards!"