Not so Fairy Tales

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In a land far away, approximately 5200 fairymileyards, the equivalent of inches in human standards, was a castle. But this was no ordinary castle, for it was unique just like everything else in the universe. But this was unique in a unique kind of way, kind of like everything else in the universe, but not quite, for it was unique.

In question, this castle was no ordinary castle. It was the castle with a dragon. A dragon that did not hate it, but despised it. In other words, you could say this dragon hated the castle. His/her (you can't tell there's no scientific method to prove a dragon's gender but some say feed it pregnancy pills, and see which dies first) name was Bob. Judging from this, you could tell the dragon was a girl.

A fire-breathing girl. Dragon.

Anyway, in this far away land, approximately 5200 fairymileyards, was a prince guy. He was prince-like, and acted like a male. He is brave and heroic. He has a sword. He kills dragons for breakfast, and old people for lunchtime. It is obvious that he is a good guy. You could even say that he was a protagonist. His name was Jack. Legend tells that he climbed a beanstalk and pissed off an angry giant just in time for lunchtime.

Jack was angry. You could see by the constipated look Jack had. Jack was also constipated. The royal castle of uniqueness was unique in the way that it had no freaking toilet.

Jack needed to poo. But delaying for three weeks, it seemed as though he did not need to poo. But he did. And it so happened at this time, that a little girl went running through the forest.

In school, the first lesson is not to talk to strangers.

This little girl is uneducated. She does not go to school. She has clothes however.

Her name is Robin Red Riding Hood. She is red riding a hood.

Not really.

Chapter Next[edit]

Miss Red Riding Hood is running and uneducated. You could say she was running and uneducated.

This made her somewhat retarded. Retarded in the running and uneducated sense of retarded.

Then she met a wolf with nice glasses and a business suit, and he was late for work.

"I'm late for work! I'm late for- Hello, little girl, would you mind buying some coke?". He opens his transforming business suit which transformed into a trenchcoat, and reveals packets and packets of drugs.

Drugs are not candy.

Miss Red Riding Hood likes candy and she thinks drugs are candy so she buys some. See, this is why she can't afford to go to school, and hence is uneducated.

Running and uneducated. She is going to her grandmother's house. Her grandmother's name is Grandmother, for that is what she is always called. She has forgotten her name because her grand-daughter always calls her Grandmother. Her best friend is a lumberjack.

Chapter Next Next[edit]

Prince Guy Jack needed to poo. So he travelled to the only place he knew he could go when he needed to poo, the 100 Acre Wood.

There he met Winnie the Poo, the toilet and business owner. He sold toilets.

Prince Guy Jack has a large stash of money he stole from a big man, in time for lunch. But he wasted it all on a grand toilet.

And at Grandmother's house, there is a lumberjack. A lumberjack is not supposed to appear in fairy tales.

"Hello Mr. Lumber Jack," said the little girl.

"Hello little girl," said the lumberjack. He was holding a shiny blood-ridden axe, and he is trained in kung fu.

Chapter Final Part[edit]

Prince Guy Jack was about to poo, when a giant peach busted through the ground, along with a boy called James, from the way his carcass was all shredded, you could see that he had been dragged along. Everyone in the castle was killed, including the butler.

A werewolf approached. It was night, and he needed food. He ate grandmothers for nighttime. They were being extinct, as grandmothers were being eaten lunch and night. He needed to change slowly to preserve the food chain. But tonight he had a craving. A craving for little girls' grandmothers who could not remember their names. But he also hated lumberjacks with moustaches, and trained in the art of kung fu. Especially if they had mustaches.

He knocked on the door. A voice from inside cried out, "NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN YOU ARE COMING IN! Not that I have a chin."

He took a puff from his inhaler and blew. Due to the reality of the situation, the blow did not even shake the house. He planted a bomb. And blew up everyone.

Everyone including the butler.


Interviews with the Characters[edit]

The Wolf[edit]

Hi. I'm the wolf. Normally people would call me Mr. Wolf. Also whenever they see me, they complain about their chin. I recommend Dr. Spock. He can treat your chin allergies and even perform surgeries for you. He's worked wonders for me, like fixed my tail. I'm almost like a Fantastic Mr. Fox. Well, what do I like to do. I used to eat pigs. That is, until I followed the art of Wise One Gundheria, and realized that pigs are a sacred animal in the religion of Gunderianism. I vowed never to eat pigs again. I'm a vegan. But occassionally, I like to eat old women. They're tough and train the jaw, so they give you some mouth exercise.

The Little Girl[edit]

Heeeeellllooooooo, I liiiikkkkeeee themmm candddieeessssssss......iiiii dooooont goooo tooo schoooolll, butttt onnceee in a whilleeee, I mmeeett this gguuuuy calllledddd Brreeeeeerrr Beeeear, anddddd heeee teeeeaccchhhheees mee -HIC- hoooow tttooo FisSHHhhhh....

The Lumberjack[edit]

Is it true that people hate my mustache? Well, I hate your mustache. I apologize if you don't have a mustache. Seriously, what's the big deal? It's just a mustache. It's not like a....nuclear development plan or something. Do those even exist? Well then, I mean it's not like....flying fish or anything. Do those exist as well? Well...

The Prince Guy[edit]

I want to sue the architect who made that castle. Why? He left out one important room. The toilet. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO POO???? You don't see me unzipping my pants in the garden, do you? Especially since the castle faces the main road. You know what I have to do? Go poop in the forest. At least I help fertilize grass or something. Anyway, I have some pastimes. Occasionally, I like to save princesses. I mean, virtual ones, like in that plumber game where you jump on dinosaurs and stuff. What was it called? Ah yes, Merlin.

I also like to stab people!

The Pooh[edit]

I'm just here to sell toilets. It's a family business. Originated from Daddy The Poo, and Mommy The Pee. You can guess that my favourite game console is the Puu. Yup, I love playing games like Grand Theft Auto. I like to kill people. In my head. I would never do that in real life. It's so uncivilized, unlike selling toilet bowls and cleaning bathrooms. It's a money-making business, kind of like selling drugs.


"Piping hot anal leakage for 10$!"

Driver of the Giant Peach[edit]

I've got no time. Can't you see I'm on a schedule? Yeesh, who do you think I am, Batman?

The Buttler[edit]

As you can see, I'm one of the most common people to die. I die in every way. You know that giant peach thing, right? Like how am I supposed to know it's coming? I don't have no sixth sense. I serve plates and make beds and clean toilets for a living. I don't do super cool stunts and flip around the place like fireflies...or that spider teenager with angst problems. I'm just a butler guy. Cut me some slack, and I'll cut you some....some fruit.