“Kids, I'm sorry. Be quiet, I'm sorry. The doggie...oh Jesus, look, Old Yeller went to doggie heaven. He went to doggie heaven, because...oh Jesus, honey, why did you make me read this to the kids? Why?”
Old Yeller is a fictional dog based on a real dog named Elderly Screamer who lived in the American Midwest no sooner than 1825 but no later than 1907. The heart-warming adventures of Elderly Screamer were documented in the true-to-life children's fable Old Yeller, a story possibly about a farm, a family, and a dog, and then what happened to the farm, the family, and the dog.
The Heartworming Story
An adopted dog, Old Yeller/Elderly Screamer spent a good deal of his adult life viciously biting members of his adopted family, urinating on freshly baked pies, and barking constantly. He was therefore the most beloved of dogs, and his winsome manner was pleasing to all.
Saveagely Beaten with Shovels
One fateful night while digging up some of the farm's crops, he was bitten by a rabid chupacabra. No one noticed any change in his disposition, however, and it was only after all members of his family realized they had contracted rabies from his continued biting that he was dragged outside and savagely beaten with shovels.
Doused with Gasoline
As he lay dying, young Travis gleefully emptied all six rounds from a Colt .45 into the dog's head. Old Yeller was then doused with gasoline and lit on fire, and everyone lived happily ever after, at least until they died soon after of complications from rabies.
- Old Yeller is required reading for every American child who attends public schools. The OYAT, or Old Yeller Aptitude Test rates practical knowledge of Old Yeller, and is divided into three sections: Comprehension, Practicum, and Writing Chapter Seven Verbatim. Most accredited colleges look for an OYAT score of 800 or better.
- The grave of Elderly Screamer is unmarked, but is rumored to bestow sexual powers (and rabies) of those who find it and ingest some of the soil covering his old, yellow bones.
- There is also a cinematic version of Old Yeller, a 1957 Disney animated film starring Donald Duck and his precociuos nephews Huey, Dewey, and Ted Williams.