Optimus Prime

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Optimus Prime.

Who the F*** does he think he is i think i will break his robotic fingers then kneecap him to find the F***ing bomb, So where is it??!!!

~ Jack Bauer on Optimus Prime

The Leader. The Legend. The Playboy.

Optimus Prime ( aka Archangel Michael, Optimus Rhyme, Optimus Wilde, or as the French would say, L'Optimus Prime ) is the head Archangel after the rebellion and subsequent demotion of Megatron ( AKA: Lucifer ). Powered by 80s Rock, he aids Lord Jebus in delivering humanity from the Prince of Lies, Megatron, to find eternal salvation and paradise. Take heed and bear witness to the truths that lie herein, for you will be served donuts during intermission. Amen.

I am Optimus Prime[edit]

Born Optimus Wilde, the second son of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Woman Wonka, in Searcy, Arkansas. Optimus legally changed his name to Optimus Prime in an attempt to get out from under the shadow of his immensely popular, older brother Oscar Wilde. Found to be a child prodigy with an IQ of 284, Optimus excelled in school, graduating from high school at the age of 7. By the time he had reached the age of 13, Optimus had acquired 17 PhDs and 4 law degrees. By 15, Optimus had been awarded 5 Nobel Prizes, 2 Fields Medals and a box of chocolate. When not studying, he would spend his afternoons wandering the cotton fields and eating moon pies, interrupted only by his lust for wandering Jewesses. Optimus is best known for his dedicated work as leader of the Heroic Autobots.

Optimus Prime is the only Go player to ever achieve a 10dan ranking. Optimus has said that before meeting Elita-1, Go was his greatest love. Optimus is considered the finest Go player the world has ever seen, having beaten his greatest rival, Megatron, on 8 out of 9occasions. With the birth of his first child, Optimus retired from professional Go, leaving his title as the "Bearer of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership" to his pupil Hot Rod; Hot Rod subsequently changed his name to Rodimus Prime as a sign of respect for his mentor. Hearing of the retirement of Optimus Prime, Megatron also left professional Go to his mentee Galvatron. Galvatron further trained under Unicron and was considered the world's best Go player for three years until soundly defeated by Rodimus Prime in the Cybertronian Cup competition of 2005. Note that his game playing skills do not make him a Go-bot.

Optimus is at his happiest when destroying enemies of mankind - he and his stalwart companions have defended Earth several hundred times in the past decades and show no sign of slowing down. Optimus shows all the qualities that are to be celebrated in a leader - he is big, red and has a very loud horn. When not busy saving the world, Optimus Prime would often participate in quick games of stick ball with the local earthlings. He often ended up accidentally vaporizing the sticks and the balls due to his immense robot super-strength.

Optimus Prime is the best friend of DinoJesus and considered the Mack Daddy of Trucks.

Optimus Prime is the derivative of Optimus with respect to time.

Prime and Religion[edit]

"Know this, one of you; is a Decepticon! -Autobots 3:15

One of the world's first rabbis, Optimus Prime was a Jew through and through, along with his pals Pennytron and Dimetron. He guest-starred on Family Guy to promote his religion. Its a little known fact that one of Optimuses middle names is "Jude" ( The song Hey Jude was written by Paul McCartney as a tribute to his endearing spirit ). Thus the name, Judaeism.

It has been told that Optimus Prime also helped form Buddhism, which was a famous art movement in the seventies.

After his appearance on Family Guy he then decided to use the writers from Family Guy to create his own new, fresh t.v. show where he could truly express the ideas and values of his religion. Thus Transformers: Robots in Disguise was born.

Stage Career[edit]

Optimus Rhyme. So heroic that he even has his own halo. Just like Jesus.

Performing under the stage name Optimus Rhyme, Optimus is one of the most cherished popular entertainers of recent years.

Broadway Performer[edit]

Optimus had a short run on Broadway, performing in a handful of plays and musicals. Optimus was awarded a Tony Award for his performance in a production of Lost in Yonkers. A number of musical historians have theorized that it was Optimus' Broadway work in musicals that sparked his interest in music and later led to his rap career.

Urban Poet[edit]

Optimus shot to fame in the early 1980s as a hip-hop superstar and street-poet. His skills as a wordsmith are only balanced by his amazing ability to mix and produce phat rhymes. At times his use of a Bontempi organ for backing music can act as a distracting influence to the rhymes. Lyrical gems such as "VEHICLE BACKING UP...STEP THE FUCK BACK BITCH" have been criticized as the sped up bossanova backbeat detracts from the lyrical flow at times.

The subjects in Optimus' work range far and wide; one moment he might be drawing attention to the plight of a seabird trapped in an underwater cave and the next he will be talking about the size of his fuel tanks. It is the eternal dichotomy of his music, one never knows what is coming next, even though it's really, really obvious from seeing the track titles; "Pump My Gas" is an excellent example. He is also is the one who wrote "California Love" though he is uncredited after a long legal bout with Tupac.

Fashion Guru[edit]

Optimus was one of the two high profile rap stars who founded Sultans of Bling, a high concept, high price boutique for urban fashion. Seeded with money from his award winning albums "SoB", as it is affectionately known, has almost entirely taken over the market for ridiculous oversized clothing. It's main competitor F.E.D.B.E.D. ( For Evil Decepticons, By Evil Decepticons ) has resorted to a number of unethical practices in order to retain their market share.

Recently floated on the Stock Exchange, SoB is rated as up a third against the badger on the NASDAQ and is seen as a strong investment opportunity by Fruity-Bun-McWhirter Investimentation Group Ltd.

SoB pioneered the use of automated staff and has begun selling these to other companies. This side-venture of the company has not only paid for the development costs, but also earns a tidy profit. Salesregisterbots, Fititrons and Uselessteenagegirlicons are all popular models used in SoB retailers and many other popular buitiques. SoB also manufactures security mechanoids such as the Storedetectibot. Recent insiders report that SoB will soon be introducing the three-in-one Salesfitigirlicon to the market. The Salesfitigirlicon's place alongside such devices as the sandwich toaster, vibrator and spork is assured in the museum for really useful stuff.

Musical And Cultural Influence[edit]

Over the years Optimus has broken several musical records, mostly due to them being fairly fragile - his CDs have been extremely popular as well.

  • "Optimus Rhyme" - his eponymous first album - 1,500,048 copies sold.
  • "Mean Mother-Trucker" - hard edged and raucous, this album is the most popular, showing Optimus in his prime - 6,000,000,001 copies sold.
  • "Exhausted" - experimental rock/hip-hop mix - 1013 copies sold - mostly to Radiohead fans.
  • "Keep on Trucking" - back into the groove for his last album, Optimus dedicated this artistic masterpiece to all those lonely truckers, cruising the country in search of hand jobs and hitchhikers to dismember.

Optimus has also worked with several other artists - particularly popular was his ska-punk track with the Less Than Jake Brakes.

Optimus Prime during the Great Pirate-Ninja conflict. Note the handy-dandy crotch spatula.

Military Career[edit]

Feeling an intense sense of patriotism, Optimus Prime joined the Autobot reserves on his 18th birthday. Optimus was diligent and well liked, quickly becoming a high ranking officer in the reserves.

Many thought highly of his services to our country and thus have began naming themselves after him. SPC Optimus Prime

Cybertronian War[edit]

When war broke out, Optimus saw fit to enlist and transfer from the reserves to active Autobot duty. It was the Cybertronian War that molded Optimus Prime into the fearless leader that we all know and love.

GI Joe-Transformers War[edit]

After the first arc of the Cybertronian War ended, The GI Joe-Transformers War began. Prime had made the acquaintance of several top GI Joe commanders through games of stickball and foosball. It seems as though his sidebar antics had finally paid off. With the forces of Cobra siding with the Decepticons, the Joe team scrambled to get the Autobots up to speed on the recent power move.

Post-war service[edit]

With the conclusion of the GI Joe-Transformers War, The Autobots and Joes remained close allies averting numerous threats that would threaten the threatless world of...well...they made things safe. As George W. Bush would later say, "They allowed the world to de-threaten...y'know, that means to trust someone again after getting tricked. We have that saying in Alaska, er I think it's in Alaska, it probably is, well it's in Texas that's for sure."

Great Pirate-Ninja Conflict[edit]

Though he never actually served in the Great Pirate-Ninja conflict, he DID help lead several missions during the short-lived Pirate-Ninja alliance against the cowboys. My memory isn't what it used to be, but I think the entire Universe was destroyed. After the universe was destroyed, a great item of power came into existence from the wreckage. That item was the Autobot Matrix of leadership. From within this item, lived all the special souls of the world know as cybertron. After a comet hit the Matrix it cracked and from it spilled all the spirits. This event is now known to us humans as the big bang.

Civic Career[edit]

Outside of his work as a brilliant military leader and musical mega-star, Optimus has worked hard to serve the community in official and unofficial capacities.

Legal Career[edit]

Optimus Prime graduated top of his class in law school at Harvard and Yale, at the same time. Having passed the bar in every state but Mississippi ( because he is black ), Optimus Prime has devoted his legal career to helping the underdog. To date, Prime has not lost one trial.

Noteworthy trials Optimus has participated in:

  • Pot v. Kettle
  • Roe v. Wade
  • Raccoon Tail v. Super Mario Cape
  • Virii v. Viruses
  • Ketchup v. Catsup
  • NASA v. Board of Education
  • Good v. Evil
  • Soda v. Pop
  • Barbie v. Ken
  • Beavis v. Butthead
  • Alien v. Predator

Optimus has been offered the position of judge in many districts but has always turned down such offers claiming to have a distaste for sitting in judgment of people.

Charitable Work[edit]

Optimus has raised nearly $5 Brazillian over the years. Whilst most of the money has been donated towards giant space lasers to prevent the encroachment of U.N.I.C.R.O.N. (United Nasty International CRime OrganisatioN) he has also been generous to a number of lesser causes, including:

  • Group for the Oppression of Not Nice Asshats ( G.O.N.N.A. )
  • Society for the Prevention of Urban Racist Tensions ( S.P.U.R.T. )
  • Optimus Nature ( O.N. )
  • Youth Organization for Understanding Racism ( Y.O.U.R. )
  • Autobots for Replenishment of the Social Environment ( A.R.S.E. )

There is some suspicion that Optimus has used his charitable works as a way to meet impressionable young lorries and vans for his own nefarious purposes. Evidence of this is currently limited but indications are that a paternity suit may be in the offing.

For a time, Optimus was put in charge of the Directory of All Knowledge. During this time, the Directory expanded substantially under the influence of Optimus' wisdom. Under rather curious circumstances, the Directory was lost and although it's existence is still certain, it's current whereabouts are not.

Electoral Candidate[edit]

Prime finally wins an election.

For many years Optimus maintained dreams of becoming a well known politician, but after an incident that involved the Decepticons stealing Optimus's brain and replacing it with a fish bowl, he has dreamed of being the Head Boy of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

During the school elections at Shenton College, Optimus Prime ran for head boy. He ran a vigorous campaign involving many slanderous posters and propaganda including slogans such as:

  • Say NO to Hitler, Vote for Optimus Prime
  • Are You Man Enough To Vote OPTIMUS PRIME?

Many students voted for Optimus, but in the end, Hitler won the election by an astonishing 3 mozillion votes. In light of his defeat, Optimus fled to the hills of Afghanistan and stayed in hiding for some period of time. During this time he managed to kill a few-hundred billion terrorists. Maybe.

Optimus still has hopes of being head boy of a school and it is your responsibility to make this happen.

Loving Husband and Father[edit]

Optimus and Elita-1 get down at the Discothèque.

In 1973, after having opened for a performance of Flock of Seagulls, Optimus reacquainted himself with high school sweetheart and bassist Elita-1. At the time, Elita-1 was being hotly pursued by Flock of Seagulls drummer Dave Grohl. But through his longtime friendship with Flock of Seagulls keyboardist DinoJesus and his intense manliness, Optimus was easily able to overwhelm Dave Grohl and win Elita-1's heart. Optimus and Elita-1 were married just one year later.

Even in the midst of battle against overwhelming odds, Optimus has always found time for his children, the Sprogboticons. He and Elita-1 have five children: Joeybot( who has a hit tv show, Pals ), Dannycon, Rogertron, Bettycon and Norman. There is some suspicion regarding Norman as he seems to be mostly human, whether this is related to an affair or possibly a dogging incident is not known. Optimus and Elita-1 refuse to discuss the matter of Norman with the press.

Brooke Shields[edit]

Secret Lover and Co-star.

Even though Prime had been happily married to his sweetheart Elita-1 for years, rumor has it that he had an affair which produced his human son Norman. Recent DNA and Oil analysis points to Brooke Shields as being the mother. Many Hollywood experts point to Optimus' guest work on Suddenly Susan as the prime opportunity for this to have occurred.

Other notable people that Optimus Prime is rumored to have had in the bed of his truck include:

It should be noted that the Paris Hilton rumor seems to be supported and furthered by Paris herself.

Aww Hellz no! I would never cheat on my woman with that skank-ass! Not that I would cheat on my woman with anyone, just especially not that skank-ass!

~ Optimus Prime on Paris Hilton


Throughout his career in various syndicated reality shows, Optimus has shown a habit of dying dramatically. Conveniently, there always seems to be a way to resurrect him in the knick of time to save the plot... err... day. When confronted about this, Optimus has vehemently denied all claims of showboating or mirror tricks, even despite his recently revealed ties to Sigfried, Roy, and Jesus. It appears that repeated feats are taking their toll as recent "deaths" have been less than inspiring, most recently falling victim to a yeast infection in the season finale of Big Brother 19.

See Also[edit]