Original Jesus

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jesus.
Jesus as He is commonly depicted: being pestered by Chicken Flies, black lightning bolts, and a deadly blue aura.

I'm bigger than The Beatles now.

~ Jesus' notorious slur on Beatlemania


Wouldst that thou striketh thee and sitteth downeth with lepers that thee might see the glory of the Father, or some such shit.

~ From Story Time with Original Jesus, NBC 1964


Jesus H. Christ (first name pronounced HEY-Zeus/Ιησους; plural Jay-Z, diminutive Jessie) was a pretty cool dude from back in the day, and he is one of the greatest people ever to live. Some even think he was The Man. Hell, 2.1 billion people think he was THE Man! He created all fifty American States, except for Indiana, which was created by Satan. He lived a long time ago and nobody knows what color he was, so most people pretend he was white, since most important races are. A lot of people make Jesus seem like he was an uptight dude, but really he just liked to laugh with his buddies, chill out with the disciples, and enjoy a good orgy on Friday nights. He also briefly frontlined the highly successful band The Havah Nagillahs, which failed after the background musicians walked out to form the chart-topping rap group The Twelve Disciples (a.k.a. D12). Controversially, Jesus had a false arm, which he often kept in a shed for safe keeping. Furtherstill, he was noted for many famous sayings many of which were cribbed from The Bible. He was the vocalist for The Jesus and Mary Chain, and Jesus Jones.

Jesus will give you lots of presents for Christmas. Just go to the Mall, sit on his lap, and tell him what you want.

If Jesus was alive today (which if you take a very casual look in any South American phone book seems to be very much the case) he might control the world. But he doesn't because he's cool like that. Jesus might also be a Jedi and would probably party with those heavy metalists Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the many house flies that followed him around. For a while it was assumed that these flies followed him around because of the fact that Jesus never took a bath because of his hydrophobia. But in reality, they just liked him a lot since he saved their mum. When the retired Greek goddess Athena heard this rumor she gave him the power to walk just above the water, so that he would never actually have to touch it. Even though he already had that power. Duh. Anyway, she soon afterward found out that she wasn't real and went through an emotional breakdown, disappearing from her own non-existance.