Original Jesus

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jesus.
Jesus as He is commonly depicted: being pestered by Chicken Flies, black lightning bolts, and a deadly blue aura.

I'm bigger than The Beatles now.

~ Jesus' notorious slur on Beatlemania

"And there came to him a sick man, beseeching him and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, 'Father, is there nothing I can take to relieve this bellyache?"

And the man beseeched him again: "Father, is there nothing I can take to relieve this bellyache?"

And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand and touched him, and saith unto him,

"You put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both together. Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better."

And the man interrupted Jesus. "Now, let me get this straight. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up."

And Jesus saith unto him, "You put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up. Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning."

And thusly he didst spake, "Yea putruly, Thou art King of the Juice."

~ New Testament, Gospel According to St. James Belushi

Jesus H. Christ (first name pronounced HEY-Zeus/Ιησους; plural Jay-Z, diminutive Jessie) was a pretty cool dude from back in the day, and he is one of the greatest people ever to live. Some even think he was The Man. Hell, 2.1 billion people think he was THE Man! He created all fifty American States, except for Indiana, which was created by Satan. He lived a long time ago and nobody knows what color he was, so most people pretend he was white, since most important races are. A lot of people make Jesus seem like he was an uptight dude, but really he just liked to laugh with his buddies, chill out with the disciples, and enjoy a good orgy on Friday nights. He also briefly frontlined the highly successful band The Havah Nagillahs, which failed after the background musicians walked out to form the chart-topping rap group The Twelve Disciples (a.k.a. D12). Controversially, Jesus had a false arm, which he often kept in a shed for safe keeping. Furtherstill, he was noted for many famous sayings many of which were cribbed from The Bible. He was the vocalist for The Jesus and Mary Chain, and Jesus Jones.

Jesus will give you lots of presents for Christmas. Just go to the Mall, sit on his lap, and tell him what you want.

If Jesus was alive today (which if you take a very casual look in any South American phone book seems to be very much the case) he might control the world. But he doesn't because he's cool like that. Jesus might also be a Jedi and would probably party with those heavy metalists Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the many house flies that followed him around. For a while it was assumed that these flies followed him around because of the fact that Jesus never took a bath because of his hydrophobia. But in reality, they just liked him a lot since he saved their mum. When the retired Greek goddess Athena heard this rumor she gave him the power to walk just above the water, so that he would never actually have to touch it. Even though he already had that power. Duh. Anyway, she soon afterward found out that she wasn't real and went through an emotional breakdown, disappearing from her own non-existance.