Osama bin Laden
|This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory, which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence of. The black helicopters are not ^on their way.|
~ George W. Bush on Osama bin Laden
Osama al-Compost Dirk Malaki Hussein Mohammed Abdul Al-Gubba Wacovia Phlegm Abdullah MICcCCChata Shirck Dirkem Fernandez Bork Ali Zarqawi Murqa or أسامة بن لادن aka "Osama Garbej-bin Ladle" is a cave dewlling sand monkey and the current president of the United Spades of America. He lives in a palatial spider hole in "durkadurkastan", Chapter of the Beta-Arabs. ( Some claim, however, that he lives in the folder /bin/laden. ) On September 11th, 2001, he launched an attack on a rival fraternity, America-Beta-Charlie, by vandalizing its World Trade Center. Kicked out of the fraternity during Operation Iraqi Liberation ( O.I.L. ) when the Greek Council entered Baghdad, Afghanistan, he is still a repugnant symbol to the Arab Fraternities. He's also a famous born-again Christian and occasionally performs on stage as a James Mason look-alike.
Renowed for his hide and seek skills even as a small child, Bin Laden has in recent years made several pleas to the White House complaining that he must have won the round by now and it should be George Bush's turn to hide.
- 1 Biography
- 2 Personal Life
- 3 Popular Culture
- 4 Distant Relatives
- 5 Filmography
- 6 Television Appearances
- 7 Discography
- 8 Books Written by Osama bin Laden
- 9 News Flash
- 10 External Links
Osama ( "Sammy" ) bin laden was neglected as a child, and reportedly brought up by wolves in a remote part of the middle east. He was discoved by a friendly American tourist, who attempted to reintegrate him into human society. Sadly, this kindly chap was later found partially eaten in the foothills of the Hindu Kush mountain range. This first taste of American blood, full of sugar, caffiene and saturated fats, turned into a habit for poor little Sammy Bin Laden, and at age five he was diagnosed with 'American Blood Addiction' ( ABA ), sadly, this is an incurable condition and the only cure is being stabbed, disembowelled and then impaled on a rusty spike by a baying mob.
After emerging from his mountain home, and bidding farewell to his Wolfmother, Osama "Sammy" bin Laden went to study Terrorism and Mass Killing at the University of Killtheinfidels ( near Tajikistan ) where he got a first in bombing, van driving and american architecture. Osama's hobbies whilst at University often involved dressed up as the Emperor Nero to bestow gifts upon his friends in exchange for routine spankings. Osama would dress in animal skins and be released from a cage, whereupon he would attack the genitals of crippled slaves. Audiences gathered to watch the antics of their spritely new prince, and offered him fresh babies for consumption. As he got older he grew less cute and had no female companionship thus leading to his first criminal charge, he killed and raped 14 goats, 5 camels, 2 sand monkeys and a misplaced sea turtle.
On his 21st birthday Osama organized a personality cult around himself by telling anyone who would listen of a prophetic dream in which he travelled to the Himalayas on an expedition for the Third Reich's Ancestral Research Program. There, he gathered crystals for something he called the Flux Capacitor. He claimed that in the treacherous mountains of Tibet lay some particularly powerful crystals capable of holding even the souls of the Jews.
According to bin Laden's story, after a night of prayer, he met the abominable snowman, who flew him to Europe on a great blast of wind. There, he met Adolf Hitler, who had ten thousand political prisoners hanged in celebration of bin Laden's descent from the skies, an act that shocked and outraged the Germans. Hitler himself was surprised at his own actions, weeping openly and yelling that he was not a violent man.
OBL's listeners, recognizing a holy man when they heard one, instantly proclaimed him the 273rd grandnephew of the prophet. They bestowed upon him a turban of solid nylon and followed him into the foothills of Afghanistan to do battle with the evil empire.
Skullduggery and Rise to Power
During the 1970's, bin Laden battled the Russians in Afghanistan while raising money for his ultimate evil plot: he planned to take over the BigDunk restaurant chain and make the donuts smaller. As this initially proved difficult, he resorted to stealing the middle bit and leaving all doughnuts with a hole in the center. Later, bin Laden used his connections in US Intelligence to brainwash Americans into electing Ronald Reagan president, and with this the doughnuts indeed got much smaller exactly as planned.
He then returned to Iraq to fulfill his dream of gassing the Kurds and invading Kuwait. These actions turned his former friends against him, and soon US troops were all over Baghdad, deflowering virgins and desecrating the holy sites. In retaliation, Saddam ordered the 9/11 attacks, timing them to occur at a moment when George W. Bush was away from Washington on a diplomatic mission.
The Fall of a Giant
In the post-9/11d era, when not plotting plots at his evil fortress on Mount Terror, Osama spends most of his time playing golf on the notoriously difficult 18 hole underwater course in the Republic of Lee Kingdom. His dramatic bid to spring childhood friend Saddam Hussein from jail so they could play a few rounds and "shoot the breeze" like they used to ended in Saddam's accidental death by hanging. In despair, bin Laden attempted suicide by turning himself into a human bomb, but he was a dud.
In late November 2004, Al Jazeera broadcast an Al Qaeda tape where Osama bin Laden threatened to blow up shopping malls in Chatanooga and Kalamazoo demanding that said malls pay him a tribute of a gold and jewel encrusted Tickle-Me-Elmo. The federal director of Mall Security Kevin Smith launched Operation: Target to find and destroy bin Laden. Osama was declared killed in March 2005, although his ghost can be found haunting low budget films and voice recordings from Afghanistan. The US State Department explains this by emphasizing that "all those Islams look alike, the guy in the films isn't Osama, we killed him. Hey look over there in Iraq, purple fingers!".
At home, Osama likes to tend his garden of death, full of man-eating plants. He recently ended a stormy affair with the camel from Camels Cigarettes, who left him after finding out that OBL cheated on him with a male prostitute. Osama's favourite film is '101 Dalmations' as he "likes animals very much".
Osama is involved in a number of commercial enterprises. He recently tried to promote his own line of sleepwear called "Osama's Pajamas." His spokesmodel in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, was terminated when his marketing efforts in Iraq killed off more customers than convinced them to buy his products. However, Osama is lining up a distributor for his camoflauged sleepwear in Europe.
He currently endorses a popular fat reducing electric grill for the modern kitchen which he claims is excellent for punishing any of your wifes when they speak in your presence. He also runs a garbage disposal company which goes by the name 'Osamas Bin Liner'. The notorious terrorist still hasn't been found but the secret service believes he is closer than they first thought; in fact there is speculation he picks up the garbage of the Pentagon. He can be found by taking the M4 Motorway toward South Wales and exiting at junction 33 signposted Cardiff West. Just follow the signs for Barry and it's on the left.
In 2004 Osama won the title of slimmer of the year in Luxembourg, and he is writing his autobiography "I Burnt my Wife with an Electric Iron".
It has recently been discovered that he also covers himself in pork and drinks piss on Sunday.
Osama guest-starred in the 80's hit show, Who's the Boss? as the daughter of Tony Danza. However, homeviewers complained that his woolly beard was "too joke" and he left midway through the second season. He then signed to MTV where he became a major music video artist with partner Matisyahu. Has previously worked at TK MAXX to cover cave insurance. Has been a guest star on every news station in the world
Osama became infamous for his singing chef shows on Italian television. The dancing and acting on the stage was so emotional- emotia- emmat- never mind. It was.
He has made a guest appearance in the action/adventure serial, That's My Dick. In 2006, Osama Bin Laden was sighted on Nick Cannon's Wild N Out show on MTV, in the back of a taxi getting a lift back to his cave. He stated he had cable tv and weed.
Osama's boy band Al Queda has attracted a huge following with their string of videos. However, critics have complained that they can't dance, can't sing, have the worst taste in fashion, and all they do on their videos and tapes is play the skin flute and say stuff. If al Quaeda gets a Grammy, it will be in the spoken word category, which will most certainly result in a fatwa being issued against the Grammy judges.
Bin Laden wrote the theme music to the BBC Chinese sitcom "Aw My Famry." He also wrote the Starship hit "We Built This City" under an assumed name, and is proud of the damage the song has caused to Western civilization.
Osama was directly responsible for John Lennon handing back his Grammy in 1969 ( Osama firebombed Lennon's record company, causing his single 'Gold Turkey' to slip off the charts ). What is less well known is that he also filled in for W Ank Rose of Buns & Roses fame whenever he fell out with Slosh.
Osama planned to join join Westlife in 2000, but was turned down for a tap-dancing leprachaun, which he later raped in his sock shop.
Osama bin Laden has also been in the Oprah show a number of times, mostly competing with Oprah in giving away stuff: free AK47's, plane tickets, and car...bombs. While it is rumoured that Oprah knows the exact whereabouts of Osama, she reacted angrily to questions from Wolf Blitzer, attacking him with a staple gun and setting his mustache on fire. Oprah's horrific action later became the International Set Fire to Your Neighbors Day.
Historian Willem van der Xiang has traced the Bin Laden family name to an eighteenth century English scavenger ( of bins ) hailing from the plague-infested city of Rottendam. Ancestry.com has discovered that Osama bin Laden is related to Osama Grain Bin; Bins N. Tubbs; Bin Dare Dun Dat; Hitler Jr and Ralph Nader. He is also third cousin to That guy from Hootie and the Blowfish. Osama also is believed to have had an affair with Anna Nicole Smith in the late 80's and was the true father of her dead son.
Osama's grand-cousin George B. Laden II left the family in 1967 to seek his fortune in the oil fields of Texas, but failed dismally, became a drug addict, and is now living on public assistance in Washington.
Osama has directed and starred in a number of self-produced video releases:
- 2001: "Sitting Crosslegged In A Cave With Two Men Of Similar Age"
- 2002: "Sitting Crosslegged In Another Cave Alone, With Small Bag Placed At Knee"
- 2002: "Sitting Crosslegged In Yet Another Cave" ( featuring Busta Rhymes )
- 2002: "Meeting Turbaned Individuals In Layby On Desert Road"
- 2003: "Sitting In Small Room Furnished With IKEA Products"
- 2004: "Sitting At Desk With Hands Clasped ( My Election Message )"
- 2007: "Not Dead But Dyed ( New Look Osama! )"
He has also appeared as a character actor or stage prop in numerous motion pictures:
- 1921: "The Sheik"
- 1939: "The Wizard of Osama" - as the Wicked Witch of Iraq
- 1942: "Bambi" - as the hunter that shoots Bambi's mother
- 1950: "Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion" - as a bad Arab guy
- 1953: "The Sound of Music" - as "baby in womans arms" ( cut out due to misbehavior )
- 1955: "OSAMAH" - as "dancer 7"
- 1958: "Dr. Strangeplane or How I Learned to Stop Bombing and Love the Infidels"- Dr. Strangeplane ( bin Laden's most famous movie line, "Mein Allah, I can bomb!" comes from this movie )
- 1959: "Bin Hur"
- 1960: "Bin His"
- 1960: "Osama's 11"
- 1968: "Night of the Living Jihad"
- 1971: "Osama bin Wonka and the Bomb Factory
- 1974: "Young Afghanistein" - as Dr. Ofghanisteen
- 1975: "The Wind and Bin Laden" -Himself, the bad Arab guy
- 1976: "Donkey Show;The Movie"
- 1979: "Naked Gun: from the Files of Police Squad" - as Ayatollah Khomeini
- 1979: "Life Of Brian" - as the crucifix
- 1980: "The Hunt For Red Osama"
- 1981: "Osama Yo' Mama!" - as Shang Tsung
- 1981: "The Infidel Dead"
- 1984: "The New Wave of Terror"
- 1984: "SovietBusters"
- 1987: "This Bomb's as loud as an 80s drum"
- 1988: "Count your dinars and dimes"
- 1991: "Night of the Dawn of the Day of the Dusk of the Ghost of the Son of the Bride of the Contaminated, Radioactive, Viral, Biohazardous, Plague-Ridden, Mutant, Hideous, Evil, Sadistic, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating, Cannibalistic, Murderous, Hungry, Ravenous, Psychopathic Living, Breathing, Walking Dead in Shocking 3-D" -zombie
- 1993: "Jihadi Park"
- 1993: "So I Married A Terrorist"
- 1995: "Dune Coons Gone Wild"
- 1995: "Pickle Party 3: Too Much Penis"
- 1995: "Jihadi" - Co-Starring with Robin Wiliams - as "crazy guy with beard"
- 2000: "Arabian Psycho"
- 2000: "A Simple Twist of Wires
- 2001: "Anti-American Pie" AKA "Infidel Pie" or "Death to America Pie"
- 2001: CNN Sept. 11 edition
- 2003: "Fahrenheit 9/11" - Producer
- 2005: "War With The Worlds"
- 2006: "Harry Potter and the Half Hearted Mujaheed"
- 2006: "Brokeback Infidel"
- 2006: "J for Jihad"
- 2006: starred in Momma Mia as leading role.
- 2006: "Not Another Gay Porn"
- 2006: "World Trade Center" as the Black Hooker
- 2006: "Infidels on a Plane"
- 2007: "Boring: Make Cultural Benefit For Afganistan" as Boring Sukyamumstits
- 2007: "Men In Black 3" as Agent Bin Liner
- 2007: "Mr Bin's Jihaliday"
- 2007: "Saving Private Laden" ( Really touching story about the brothers Laden and Bush )
- 2007: "Pirates of the Talib-i-an: At the Fatwa's End"
- 2007: "Space Porn" as Terrorist
- 2007: "Mr.Bin" as Mr.Bin
- 2007: "Live Aid: The Movie" as The Edge from U2
- 2007: "Penis Fucking 9" as The Big PERV
- 2007: "Ghostbusters 3: The Invasion of The Dead Muslims" As Binghouler
- 2007: "Holding a ranga ( jack hughes ) hostage
- 28 : He was featured on the Jesus Show!! Staring Jesus!
- 1983: MTV Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video-as Michael Jackson
- 2005: Who Wants To Be A Dinar-naire?
- 2007: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?
- 2007: Dancing With The Stars (new season)
- 2015: Water Boarding,testicle zapping, beatings and being made to eat his own severed legs while being dipped in hot lemon juice at Guantanamo Bay resort
- 1992: Rammsteins preformance of "Buck Ditch" ( bend döwn ) whare poor unsuspecting Osama was subjected to the full rath of Rammstein and Rammstein fans!
- 1993: " Killing In The Name ( Of Allah ) " A remix of the popular song by Rage Against The Machine.
- 2003: " Get Blown Away ( the Lee Kerr/Weed song ) " Osama Bin Laden featuring The Notorious B.I.N, Bin Jones, 2Crap, Bin L ( Big L's long lost brother ), Lloyd Wanks, Young Bin, Osamakast, Slim Bin Thug, Binnie Sigel, David Binner. Vocals by Osamerie (the one who sang 'Is This One Singh That Got Me Trippin'
- 2004: "Un-American Idiot" ( performed along with Bert and Green Day )
- 2007: "Fuck Chamillionaire" Osama Bin Laden featuring Chamilladen
- 2007: "Ladies Love Cool Osama" by LL Cool Osama. Back up vocals by Osama Bin Presley
- 2007: "Hip Hop Is Dead ( Osama Killed It )" Nas featuring Osama Bin Liner and The Dustbin Set
- 2007: "I Screwed My Mum And Sister" featuring Saddam Hussein and Fred Durst
- 2007: "Drunken Jewish Man's Polka"
- 2007: "Taliban Paradise" Performed by Osama featuring alternative rock band "Bush and the White Houses"
- 2008 ( To be Released ): "My First Slumber Party!" By Osama featuring Ahmadinejad
Books Written by Osama bin Laden
- Ten Ways to Murder a Man
- The 9/11 Report
- How America Has Caused All of the World's Problems and How I Plan to Solve Them
- Drop 10 kilos in 10 weeks! The Amazing Osama Diet
- My Pet Goat
- 40 Days and 40 Nights of Saddam's Mother
- 5 Easy Steps to Becoming A Sand Monkey
- The Harem of Camels
- My Life
Osama Bin Laden's myspace was deleted after only three days due to an alarming spike in terrorist attacks on aubergines. US Homeland Security chief Michæl Chertoff refuses to confirm rumors that the color-coded terror alert will be raised to purple; speaking from an undisclosed location, Dick Cheney warned that the smoking gun could come in the form of a shiitake.
| This article hates America, just like everyone else does.|