Oscar Wilde

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Wilde posing with his pimp cane just before another grueling orgy.

Be funny and not just stupid!

~ Uncyclopedia on Oscar Wilde

Oscar gone WILDE!

~ Late Night Commercial on Oscar Wilde

His Imperial Dark Lord of the Sith, Ultimate War Supreme Grand Mafioso, Uncyclopedic Holiness, Dread Mistress of the Night, Commander of everything commendable, General Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche Darth Overlord Oscar Fingal O'Flaherty Gregorian Egg Meyer Horatio Tatumkolo M'babwe Babwe Afrika Никола́й Васи́льевич Го́голь Trujillo Veracruz Clifford Lee Burton Duc Duc Goose de Franche Comte "The Pimp" O'le Biscuitbarrel F'tang Wills-Wilde XXVIII Jr., immortal God, El Señor Mexicano Misterioso Del Lago Del Sagrado Corazón de Jesús y Anexas, Pooty Tang O São Jão Bão da Bôca, Esquire of the Magistrate Most Worthy, Duke of Dragqueens, also known as The Irish poet, "Big, Bearded, Bonking, Butch Phil Osophy" and "Macho Commando", was a Major Gay Icon, novelist, playwright, musician, Freemason, experianced DangerSarcian, Randomist, Master of the art of Headbutt, Reiki grandmaster, yodeller, chancellor of the exchequeor, cereal killer, sock puppet, day laborer, assistant to God, wheelchair, Taxi driver, one of the few people to lay both Some French Chick and That Girl (both seperately and at the same time), Lord Fucker, master of the deadly art of Dimac, The Count of Monte Cristo, former underwear model, world yo-yo champion, pikachu, master monkeyraper, Lord High Arbiter of the Nintendo, world's heavyweight boxing champion, Matt Damon look-alike, and last and by no means least the grand inventor of the celebrated wank-stain. He is also the spel chequer, St. Francis of Assisi, John Malkovich, the Last Samurai, the Lord of all horses, Mr. Men, the first leaser of advertising space, a man of Hoy. Believe it or not it is also said that Oscar Wilde owns Sean Connery's hair piece from the James Bond movies. The so called hairpiece is located in a Scottish mansion in a 5 foot thick armored room surrouned by at least 2 dark lords of the Sith. Within the room is an automated laser targeting module, a large nintendo controller with the sole purpose of distracting young children, and a case of Chuck Norris jokes.

Jeebus, what a complete nincompoop.

For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Oscar Wilde.

In addition to these many achievements, he is also the inventor of baking soda, night storage heaters, wax, and bondage gear. An avid hippo hunter, Oscar Wilde is a stylish man-about-town, occasional car mechanic, Chinese satay and hibachi chef, talented underwater basket-weaver, goalkeeper for Angeren 6, sometime snubber, part-time superhero, holder of the patent on earphones, Eurovision winner, and the Champion of Hyrule. However, he is best known for being the record-holder of Saying Bugger off, tic-tac-toe grandmaster, older brother of Optimus Wilde, a fan of excessive lists of his own achievements, and the greatest men ever to live. Another achievement of his was being shot by Tupac with little or no injury, apart from the loss of his 4th liver. He is also known to be the only man to go over Niagra Falls with only a pair of water wings and lived to tell about it. He has more web-links to him than anyone else on Earth. Also, Oscar Wilde is the member of every band in the known universe, except Gogol Bordello. He was kicked from Gogol Bordello, for which he played the theramin on their first two albums for goat abuse problems.

Oscar would often strike this pose in the mirror, and just stare for days without moving.

More recently, he has been elevated to the status of demigod, which has been confirmed by God ("Yeah, Ole Wild-E sure knows how to convince a guy through freestyle battle rap." -God) He was also the Founder, Secretary, and Chief Editor of the Uncyclopedia and Master of the Hallowed Book. He gave birth to Pithy Saying Man, and Cecil. Joe Walsh is rumoured to know his current location, although he refuses to answer any questions. Also, despite being his Real Father...Oscar Wilde denies knowing The Master of Love

Wilde's Sexuality[edit]

Oscar Wilde is widely considered to be a bisexual or homosexual dead-butch straight heterosexual. No one knows about this. It is definitely a huge secret and should be taken very seriously when announced.

This quote has been attributed to Oscar Wilde, though no one is certain if he was serious or jesting: I'm a tri-sexual; I'll try anything at least once. Blow up toys, whipped cream, men, women, unidentifiables, you name it and I'll give it a go.

~ Oscar Wilde on sexuality

Slander of Oscar Wilde and His Sexuality[edit]

Look at what Bob Massingbird did to Oscar Wilde - big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar, the terror of the ladies. A hundred and fourteen illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the bestselling pamphlet 'Why I Like to Do It with Girls' - and Massingbird had him sent down for being a whoopsy

~ Blackadder on The trial of Oscar Wilde

Like Elton John, David Bowie, and Mick Jagger, Oscar Wilde in the beginning gayed it up to sell his records. Fans who really knew he liked girls were in on the joke and loved it. However, the facade soon took a turn for the worse when he met Lord Alfred Douglas at a poetry slam in Whitechapel. Lord Alfred Douglas -known as 'Alfie' to his friends or 'Peachbottom' amongst London's rentboy circut- wanted Oscar to critique and edit his writing, and Oscar gladly did so. However, Douglas' father, the Marquess of Queensbury objected to his son abondoning the catamite profession in favor of the glitzy world of poetry, so he used the joke against Wilde, and began to slander and libel Oscar publicly, even going so far as to deliver a boquet of obscenely-shaped vegetables to Oscar's studio apartment which he shared with his wife, mistress, dominatrix, secretary, French maid, cook, nurse, serving wench, and closet full of young, nubile, female groupies, the card bearing the inscription "To Oscar Wilde, posing as a Sondomite.

When Oscar took the Marquess to court for libel, slander, loss of income earned, lose of appetite and impersonating English aristocracy, the Marquess took the bold move of hiring famed English lawyer P.Q.R. "Bob" Massingbird. Massingbird turned the tables on Wilde's cheap lawyer, and though originally the Marquess was on trial, Massingbird turned the tables and had Wilde convicted of "gross indecency with another man", "sondomy", "impersonating a fictitious character from Geoffrey Chaucer", "saying 'bugger off' the most times in a single minute", and other things not actually considered criminal in Brittain. For this, Oscar was sentenced to five years in Reading Gaol, a prison known for its well-stocked library. Oscar was allowed to escape after serving three years.

Art inspired by Oscar Wilde[edit]

  • Married with Children
  • The Wiki Concept
  • How to Train Your Platypus
  • Animal House
  • A Livejournal As Expressed Through the Immortal Wit and Wisdom of Oscar Wilde
  • The Most Quotable Smackdown of All Time
  • The Importance of Being Earnest
  • The Picture of Dorian Gray
  • The Muppet "Oscar Wilde the Grouch" named * the alien autopsy video
  • the "Girls Gone Wild" DVD and video series
  • the Jedi concept from star wars
  • The semi-autobiographical Terminator 2
  • the space station Deep space 9
  • every movie based off of a saturday night live sketch
  • Homer from the Simpsons
  • The U.S.S. Enterprise ,William Shatners hairpiece and Picard's role as professor x
  • the klingons
  • The bible
  • Toy Story & other Pixar movies
  • Paul McCartney's I'll Never Play in China Again
  • the muppet movies
  • the entire star wars soundtrack
  • luke skywalker
  • all your bases are belong to us
  • movies about sea creatures
  • every movie with pirates in them
  • the borg collective
  • monopoly
  • the seven samurai
  • The Thong Song
  • Deuce Bigelo: European Gigalo
  • The Atomic Ant
  • Ice Car
  • The pain in the ass
  • The planet tatoeine
  • Leeroy Jenkins
  • Maggie Becket from sliders
  • Every live action movie based on a super hero
  • The Wheel
  • Die Hard 3
  • The Mona Lisa
  • "Oscar Wilde"
  • the entire blaxploitation movie genre.
  • Brokeback Mountain
  • Your Mother's Beaver
  • My Magical Unicorn
  • Goldeneye 007 for the N64
  • Wikipedia
  • Eurotrip
  • the best-selling pamphlet "Why I Like To Do It With Girls"

-- 02:13, 18 July 2006 (UTC)

The Oscar Wilde Quote Saga[edit]

Oscar Wilde is, without argument, King of the Quotes. However, this has not been without consequence. Amongst his more illustrious achievements, Oscar Wilde is also known as the "King of the People Who Get their Quotes Stolen". More so than any other man (save Anonymous), Oscar Wilde has his quotes stolen, misrepresented, and has hideous travesties attributed to him.

So rampant is Oscar Wilde quote-misattribution, that even his own publication, Uncyclopedia, contains many quotes falsely attributed to the Great Author. To combat this, his children now authenticate all Oscar Wilde original quotes.

Wilde quote-misattribution is the national sport of England. Because of this, it is extraordinarily easy to find Oscar Wilde quotes (official and not), leading to greater confusion. Indeed as Oscar Wilde himself once said:


Due to it being the national sport, it is considered most polite among the middle classes of England to answer any telephonic enquiry relating to the desirability of a quote with the sentence "Oooo - yes please, can I have an Oscar Wilde one? He's my favourite!"

The more progressive and risque among Britain's social climbers may on occasion be tempted to ask for a quote by Winston Churchill, although the old money still views this as irredeemably gauche.

Famous Quotes Stolen Borrowed Stolen By Influenced By Temporarily Leased Unto Lesser Authors[edit]

Firebreathing is just one of the myriad of talents Oscar posesses.

Throughout history, many pearls of wisdom have been stolen from Wilde by other authors. The most commonly heard stolen quotes are:

  • "I'm Batman"
  • "For England, Oscar?" "No, for England."
  • "Fat Mama, Fat Mama, I'm hear to save the day. Fat Mama, Fat Mama, I'll take your food away."
  • "Oooooooooooscaaaaaaaaaaaarr Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilde."
  • "Go ahead... make my day.."
  • "My milkshake is better than yours."
  • "Snakes... Why'd it have to be snakes?"
  • "These are not the droids you are looking for."
  • "A/S/L?"
  • "LOL!"
  • "Can you hear me now?"
  • "Some bikers just try to ride up the hill!"
  • "D'OH!"
  • "No no no NO!! You do it.....like this!!"
  • "There can be only one!"
  • "Imagine there's no heaven..."
  • "What's a penguin doing on the tele?"
  • "I've got a bad feeling about this."
  • "Where is your god now?"
  • "And that’s what its like to be a gangster."
  • "Buttsecks?"
  • "Dude, you fugly."
  • "Nin, nin."
  • "O RLY?"
  • "I never had sex with that woman"
  • "Hasta la vista, baby"
  • "God? God?!?! I invented God!"
  • "Go ahead...Make my day."
  • "Now is the winter of our discontent."
  • "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law."
  • "All your base are belong to us!"
  • "I am the king of the Bouncy Castle and no-one else is!"
  • "I'll try being nicer.......now fuck off!!"
  • "Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
  • "This aggression will not stand, man!"
  • "There is no spoon."
  • "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"
  • "Two objects cannot occupy the sme space at the same time."
  • "Say goodnight to the bad guy!"
  • "Say hello to my little friend."
  • "Do you feel lucky... punk?"
  • "For infinity...and beyond!!"
  • "I like beans."
  • "Kek Kek Kek"
  • "You were the choosen one! "
  • "Death to Smoochy!"
  • "Bring it on!"
  • "Pimpin ain't easy."
  • "I believe you have my stapler."
  • "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and dial your operator."
  • "Bring me Peter Pan!"
  • "Frankley my dear, I don't give a damn."
  • "We've got BIG trouble...Right here in River City!"
  • "It's peanut-butter jelly time!"
  • "Dude, where's my car?"
  • "Do NOT go home and get your shinebox"
  • "NEDM"
  • "私達は今性交される"
  • "That's it! I've had it with these Motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!"
  • "I have you now!"
  • "All your base are belong to us"
  • "I'm the one that cancelled Star Trek!"
  • "HEY! Whatch where you're going Ass---Guy!"
  • "What, me worry?"
  • "Let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration. You're distracting me. And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. You understand? Now, we're going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON'T hear me typing, or whatever the fuck you hear me doing; when I'm in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don't come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?"
  • "Show me the money!"
  • "Show me the monkey!"
  • "I am not a chicken. I am a fowl."
  • "Well we're safe for now, thank goodness we're in the bowling alley."
  • "I have always resisted the notion that knowledge ruined paradise."
  • "Well, slo-o-o-o-w down, glamour boy."
  • "Yes, I'm the man from five years ago"
  • "How's your wife? Are you being good to him?"
  • "You fool, you just fell prey to one of the classic blunders! The best known is don't get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less known is this! Never go in against a Scicilian, when death is on the line!"
  • "Why's the rum gone?"
  • "I'm hungry, mother. Really I am."
  • "What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich like me?"
  • "There'll be no living with her now..."
  • "Oh yeah, well your just a dorky little water buffalo, with nerdy glasses, and a stupid hat!"
  • "☭"
  • "Luke...I am your father!"
  • "I'm detective John Kimble. Who is your daddy, and what does he do?"
  • "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
  • "Every time you masturbate... a kitten kills a retard"
  • "At least I have chicken."
  • "It tastes like...chicken!."
  • "WOOT!"
  • "They need people like me....so they can point their fucking fingers...and say..that's the bad guy!!"
  • "Japan IS SUPERIOR!"
  • "Where is this thing called Akira?!"
  • "Move it, football head!"
  • "They call me Mr. Tibbs!"
  • "I live in a giant bucket!"
  • "Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess!"
  • "If Jesus was still alive, I bet he would eat Frosties."
  • "I feel pretty, oh so pretty."
  • "E=mc²"
  • "I am a Golden God!"
  • "I would slaughter the children of a thousaand galaxies just to see you smile."
  • "I have nothing to declare except my complete and utter arrogance."
  • "First we're gonna rock, then we're gonna roll!"
  • "Let's roll!"
  • "Good thing it's not hot chilly night!"
  • "Have you met...Mr. Thunder? What about...Mr. Lightning?"
  • "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
  • "Pull my finger!"
  • "If ignorance is bliss than I'm her pimp."
  • "Who feels like chicken tonight? I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!"
  • "Gimme back my Tots"
  • "It was earth all along"
  • "Where did you come from where did you go"Oscar Wilde on Cottoneye Joe
  • "Imagine all the people"
  • "life is like a box of chocolates"
  • "WRONG!!!"
  • You are magic aren't you Trumpy?"
  • "Mellow greetings! Yuki duki!"
  • "Hello, my name is Oscar Wilde, you killed my father, prepare to get f***ed up!"

For a complete list of stolen quotes, see Stolen Oscar Wilde quotes.


  • Actor
    • Star Wars (1977) ... Oscar Obi Wilde
    • The AAA-Team (TV) (1987-Current) ... Himself
    • Return (TV) (1988-1999) ... Joe Dingleberry (credited as Joe Knifingsfork the Second)
    • Wilde On (1989-Current) ... Himself
    • Dude, Where's My Time Machine? (2005) .... Himself
    • Dune, There's My Thyme Machine? (2007) .... Himself
    • The Oscar Wilde One (1953) ...Himself
    • The Oscar Wilde (1972)...Himself/Sam Peckinpaugh
    • Transamerica (2008) ...Himself
    • Everybody Loves Hitler (1938-Current) ... Baron von Mannsechs
    • A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1980s) .... Stephen Fry
    • V for Vendetta (film adaption) .... Himself
    • Wilde Wilde West (1999) ...Himself
    • Wet and Wilde in Elko (1999) ... Buck Nekid
    • The ballad of Shawshank Redemption- the Musical.
    • Gold: The Golden Girls Movie (2007 preproduction) ... Young Blanche
    • Girls Gone Wilde
  • Digital Actor
    • Oscar Wilde we$$t(1998) ... Himself
    • "Oscar Wilde's Adventures in the Forbidden Zone" (1980) ... himself, Danny Elfman/Satan
  • Voiceover
    • Lil' Oscar Wilde (1986) ... Lil' Oscar Wilde

Appearance on American Idol[edit]

In late 2006 / early 2007, rumors spread around the Internet, started by this guy about the missing "Oscar Wilde Bitch-Slaps Simon Cowell" episode of the 2006 season of American Idol. It was rumored that Simon Cowell was beaten so badly he had to be replaced by a robot. Any links promising footage led to 404 or porno pages. Spam e-mails went around the Internet saying Oscar Wilde had enrolled in the contest as a way to get past Cowell's security, to "physically express his loathing hatred of Simon Cowell".

However, the story finally hit the mainstream media when Entertainment Tonight aired the shocking video clips. The clips began by showing Oscar Wilde show up drunk, then begining to belt out the lyrics to "Baby Got Back" in a sort of Jamacan/Welsh falsetto accent. Simon then stops Oscar Wilde from singing and begins to diss Oscar Wilde in his trademark fashion. However, unlike other contestants who stand their like a bitch and take it, Oscar Wilde proceeded to leap over the table and beat Simon mercilessly with a sturgeon he'd previously concealed in his codpiece. The video recorded Oscar Wilde's prose for posterity, including famous insults such as "Do you think being gay means you have any taste?", "Recording wrestler's records? Teletubbies? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!", "Usurp me as Brittain's most well-know poof, NEVER?", "You get paid $32 million a year for insulting people?!?! I only got five pounds for dissing the queen of England!!!!!", "If you know what makes good singing why are you hanging out with Paula Abdul?", "Stop spreading the myth that British and gay are the same! You know damn well Elton John is dead-butch and gays it up to sell records!" and other things not beeped by the censors.

However, Oscar Wilde soon after unleashed the ravenous attack lawyers the Church of Scientology he keeps in its basement upon ET!, suing the entertainment show for slander, libel, and making the camera add 20lbs to his ass. Geraldo soon came out with his own examination of the video, claiming the ET! expert's examination of Oscar's bitch-slap ("back...and to the left.....back...and to the left") was really lifted from the Oliver Stone movie JFK.

Simon Cowell however never spoke up about the incident, while the FOX network denied it ever happened. Simon Cowell's publicist later denied his client and Oscar Wilde had ever been in a fight and that his client had been injured to the point he needed to be replaced by a robot, even when the National Enquierer ran pictures of Simon Cowell oiling himself and fixing the wires sticking out of his neck, as well as the candid shots of him connected to an electrical socket at a popular L.A. nightclub, as well as reports of a comatose Simon Cowell being found in a nursing home in Bad Ass, Texas.

The Movie Oscar Wilde[edit]

Check out my website, I get paid per view.

~ Oscar Wilde

In 1997, Oscar Wilde tried out for the title role playing himself in the biographical movie about him named "Oscar Wilde". Much to his dismay, however, the casting director said he was far too butch to play himself, and therefore the title role went to Stephen Fry. Oscar Wilde complained that Stephen Fry looked nothing like him and his voice was much too dry ("Not enough absinthe! My god, the man's a teetotaler for Heaven's sake! Get that man some absinthe!") and threatened to sue the producers, though they offered him a technical advisory position if he'd stop litigation. Oscar Wilde agreed, but the lawsuit was back on when Jude Law was selected to play Lord Alfred Douglas ("How can Jude Law, a man who's so straight he cheated on his wife for another woman, play a mincing little queen as grand as Alfie was? Just because he has a good fake English accent doesn't mean he's gay!") This time, the producers scoffed at Oscar Wilde's lawsuit, and he was barred from the set when he tried to show Jude Law how a real homosexual screws another man, using Jude Law himself as an example.

Litigation against the producers is still pending at this time. Jude Law has a restraining order saying Oscar Wilde can't be within 500 feet of him, nor can any 500ft dildo or other sex toy Oscar Wilde may be using.


Oscar Wilde became President recently when everyone decided that Rachael Ray sucked ass compared to him. He is now the 58th president and the second president to be named Oscar Wilde, the first more commonly having been known as Jimmy Carter.

Accomplishments of Presidency[edit]

  • Pioneered the use of cheese as currency.
  • Won 100% disapproval of his constituency for the Compulsory Eating of Asparagus at Breakfast Act.
  • Successfully seperated Church and State, sending both of them to their corners to sit and think about what they'd done, and then to go to bed early with no dinner.
  • Passed the 32nd ammendment, which not only lowered the voting age to 5, but allowed dogs and dead people to cast ballots in the election.
  • vomitted accidentally on more world leaders than George Bush for a grand total of 37. Also managed to sneeze on the pope twice.
  • balanced the budget on the tip of his nose.

Redecorating the Presidency[edit]

He briefly considered painting the White House pink and renaming it the Pink House, but the gay cabaret in San Fransisco copyrighted their club name before Oscar Wilde could buy the paint.

He also became the first president to offer up Air Force 1 to MTVs "Pimp My Ride" for a redecorating. The naked lady mudflaps on the landing gear won him a new popularity in the South and with truckdrivers. The fake lepoardskin sofas and the hottub won him respect with the young urban, hip-hop crowd, and the hydraulics to turn Air Force 1 into the first 747 low-rider won him street cred with the vatos and hommies. In fact, later historians credit Oscar's redecorating Air Force 1 for him winning the youth vote in his re-election campaign, and getting the most GenX/Y voters to come to the polls.

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  • "Docile Wars"
  • "Oldies' Craw"
  • "I Was Colder"
  • "Car Die Slow"
  • "Cow Lad Sire"
  • "A Dire Scowl"
  • "Race dis Owl"

Random Oscar Wilde Trivia[edit]

  • Taught MacGyver how to disarm an atomic bomb using peanuts, orange soda, poo, and Steve Ballmer
  • Is one of Captain Falcon's best friends.
  • Likes his martinis in his stomach
  • Pitties the fool who calls himself Mister T.
  • Has done the second largest amount of drugs and still lived to tell about it. Keith Richards still holds the record, however.
  • Once traveled to an all-cat dimension and appeared on the Late-Late Show with Catman O'Brien.
  • Once tripped over a peanut and fell into a black hole.
  • Once ordered the chicken vindaloo at an Indian restaurant and couldn't handle it. Was jokingly called "Oscar Milde" for a week after that.
  • Was killed by Amy Rose, Axel Rose, Rose McGowan, Gypsy Rose Lee, Steve Ballmer, and the Latvian Mafia. However, the authorities ruled it to be suicide by falling down an elevator shaft onto some bullets.
  • Was actually last seen in Britain running into the bushes with Lord Luccan.
  • Taught Jesus everything he knew
  • Farts with a Swami up his ass
  • Told Li Jie The Bald How to grow hair
  • Is leet

See Also[edit]

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