Ottoman Empire

From Encyclopaedia Daemonica
Jump to: navigation, search
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ottoman Empire.

The Ottoman Empire The alternative transliteration Uh-Oh, Man, has gained some credence in recent years, perhaps owing to increased global warming is an elaborate historical misconception, originally appearing in the Nth title of the Video Game Wars series. "Yeah, man, we just wanted spice things up a bit. Like spice, y’know? Sorry for the confusion, history dudes." At the time, the Ottoman Empire had no historical precedent, but its inclusion in a series so renowned for its historical accuracy prompted a flurry of research into a potential real-life counterpart. Though several candidates were proposed, and some even widely accepted, historians now generally concede that the Ottoman Empire really is fictitious. Such confession is usually accompanied by much staring at the floor and shuffling of feet.


As imagined by the game’s developers, the Ottoman Empire was founded "sometime around then" by Otto Mann the Man ( of Otto ), a bus-driver from Springfield. Engrossed in a musical orgy, he mistakenly drove to Anatolia, a MUD created by Iron Realms, then populated by a democratic republic composed entirely of farmyard fowl. Though his people would become successful, Otto himself was apprehended and executed on a child abduction charge shortly thereafter.

Heralded as pioneers of the Garlic Age, the Ottomans displaced the native Turkeys with advanced weaponry deriving from the clove family. Only after a tearful invasion, in which millions of seasoned Turkeys died, did the UN intervene ( after a failed negotiation on the part of WIKI ), ordering the Ottomans to surrender their newly-conquered territories. The Empire refused to cede Anatolia back to the Turkeys, but agreed to let them leave the peninsula with their lives. The Turkeys started new lives in reserves all over Europe, and later the entire world. It is this event that USA'ns would later plagiarise in their search for a holiday, and the day is thus commemorated as thanksgiving. The lawsuit is ongoing.

In the words of then-Ottoman Emperor Hashish I-love, the Byzantine Empire, following this, started "being a set of dicks". It quickly became clear that war was inevitable.

Thus, when war was completely avoided, the Ottoman Empire hailed it as a ( Muslim ) miracle, and conquered the Byzantines in celebration. Still stuck in the Christian Age, and despite the grand walls of Constantinople ( not Istanbul ), the Byzantine Empire succumbed, fell, and was destroyed. The Byzantines remained philosophical about these circumstances, noting the poetic way in which they’d mirrored the fall of the Roman Empire ( that is, being invaded ). The Ottomans, irked by the lack of vengeful feeling, sought enemies elsewhere, and so conquered the Balkans for good measure.

Now, with the world in the grip of the Age of Exploration, the Ottomans grew fond of their conquering while everyone else sailed about in pimped-up caravels. So engrossed in their conquest were the Ottomans, however, that the dirty, dirty Christian scum invented technology. With the Internet now at their disposal, the rest of Europe led an assault on the Ottoman Empire. This late-age rush came as a shock to the Empire, who scrabbled to build watchtowers in defence, not yet realising that these had been nerfed by the discovery of explosions.

The Ottoman Empire, now on the back foot, proposed an idea to Europe. It requested that Europe go to war with itself, "because that would be rocksome", and in return, the Ottoman Empire offered to never have existed. The Europeans agreed, and


Map of Ottoman Empire overlaying modern-day Turkey.

At its height, the Ottoman Empire stretched across the entirety of Europe, pulled a muscle, and limped all the way back again. After prolonged physical rehab, the Empire contented itself with expanding upwards, and many mountain-climbing expeditions were sanctioned in order to ensure the Empire had flags in all the right places. Amongst these vertical territories were the Horns of Hattin, twin hills ( actually an extinct volcano ) that would later become important some years ago, during the Crusades.

The royal seat of the Ottoman Empire was the Hagia Sofa. Amongst all the details conjured by the developers of the Video Game Wars, this one stands out as being somewhat historical, as supported by recent findings. As one archaeologist put it "I was on holiday in Istanbul ( not Constantinople ), and all of a sudden there was this fuck-off great building in front of me! So I asked the locals what it was called, and they said something in Foreignese. Anyway, the brochure called it the Hagia Sophia! I believe this to be no coincidence. The slightly different name is accounted for by the 18th century Musical Consonant Shift, and the completely different appearance ( the Sofa having famously been a sort of long chair ), is, according to at least one colleague, accounted for by erosion! This could well be our greatest lead on the mystery of the Ottoman Empire yet."

Popular Culture[edit]

Oh shits guys, trivia
  • In recent years, replicas of the Ottoman footstool have been mass-marketed. Due to potentially lethal levels of chintz, however, they can only safely be sold to the over-60s, due to the Calico Chronophobe Effect.
Many Ottomans worship the Ottoman Turk Deathstar