Ozzy Never Did Drugs!
Ozzy Osbourne (a.k.a The Ozzman, a.k.a. the Blizzard of Ozz, a.k.a. Ozzymandius, King of Kings, a.ka. Ozzymus Prime and/or the guy who probably fucked all of your mom's friends back in the day.), is a founding member of metal band Black Sabbath, rock-n-roll icon, reality TV star, Zen mystic, inventor of the carburetor, bat exterminator, and probably the best argument you can make to your kids against excessive drug and alcohol use.
The Beginning of a Legend
Known by many followers as just Ozz, those who follow in his steps believe him to be the modern-day Jesus, Son of God, due to his long hair and hippie-like appearance, as well as his ability to raise the dead.
"One is mildly dissatisfied by the local riff-raff, one is to say - displeasement in common behaviour -, in North Carolina. One blames the commercialization of local food merchants and de-centralization of communicative arts, that is to say, not to be functionalized without one's sanity of mind and watermelon juicer." deduced Lord Ozzy Osbourne, AKA Prince of lack-of-lightness, after the recent bielections, and his standing for the Liberal party next year.
"Ozzy has come on a lot since he quite drugs in 1981" says political commentator, Cliffard the Big Red Dog, AKA Cliff Richard.
Ozzy Osbourne, born ( or rather, Os-bourne ) as Ozzymandius Tiberius Osbourne the Third, was born in the little town of Bethlehem, England in 1923. He reportedly could already speak over seven languages at birth, including an alien tongue that, when spoke, affected the strength of the nearby tides. Osbourne did not have the benefit of a normal upbringing, instead being given a bottle full of whiskey and then left alone in the attic during the day to be raised by (and feed upon) the colony of bats roosting there. Ozzy was a very bright child, and often did quite well in his schoolwork, outdoing all his other brothers in absolutely every subject, but particularly Demonology and History of Evil as taught by Harry Potter.
His mother was Koko the gorilla. He has a brother named Mr. T.
Ozzy Osbourne found a small apartment in upstate New Jersey. He was interested in a performing arts career, so he began to apply for jobs as Bats in local performing arts plays. unfortunately for Osbourne, the cash flow was low and the jobs were few and far inbetween due to minimalist trends in set design.
So one day, Ozzy Osbourne was traveling to an audition as "Scared Local Civilian # 45," when he heard a mysterious noise coming from inside a broken-down building. Curious as ever, Osbourne grabbed his actor's backpack and wandered eagerly into the condemned area. Upon entering, Osbourne found the thing that would change his life forever. It was of course, a handgun. Ozzy Osbourne used the gun to rob a nearby bank. He then took the bank money and invested it into stocks of all kinds, trusting his infinite knowledge and Bachelor's Degree in Psychic Powers to show him the right ones to try.
Ozzy Osbourne's investments paid off quite handsomely, and the money he gained enabled him to buy a popular band into slavery - the African-American gospel group Black Sabbath. When he got tired of singing with them he made them servants in his mansion (the worst fate being suffered by his "Geezer Butler") and started a solo career, using the profits he made to form The First Church Of OZZ. As a result of forming the church, he gained quite a popular reputation as a "God." Of course, if you were reading this, you'd realize it was all a lie.
As you can see by the adjacent picture he was a ice hockey player for some time and played for the st. Louis Blue Jays, he had to quit after biting the head off the puck, mistakening it for a bat. He played as a Center on the 1337-38 Team they had Meatloaf and chef from southpark as defence with Mr.T and the Hoff as Wingers and Chuck Norris as goaltender;who had a save ratio of 110%. This granted the team the Title of 'Wuupazzz Team of the Year'.
So He Was A Liar
Yes, he was. So what's the truth about Ozzy Osbourne? He's rich, powerful, old, and has a handgun. I see no reason to argue that he could totally kick your ass.
In 1982 he was distressed to see people languishing in mental institutions with no contact to the outside world. So he started a program to give them tickets for cross-country train rides. To this day the "Crazy Train" program provides dangerous psychotics a much-needed taste of freedom.
Biting the Heads Off Of Shit
Ozzy's main hobby is biting the heads off of things. Here is a list of some of the things Ozzy has bitten the heads off of:
- Any bird animal
- Gameboy SP
- Nintendogs and Nintencats
- The lead singer of Hawthorne Heights
- Paul Reiser
- Bored Wikipedians
- Larry The Cable Guy
- Pikachu ( EVIL BASTARDO )
- Bill Gates
- Countless amounts of motherfuckin' snakes
- Dracula ( after he turned himself into a bat )
- Dead Bats
- Chuck Norris
- Angus Young
- And yes, more Bats.
- James Hetfield
- Sharon Osbourne
- Yoko Ono
- Michael Jackson
- Even more kittens
- Proffesor Dumbledore
- Your Mom
- Abusive mothers
- Bill Nye the Science Guy
- The Pope
At present, Ozzy has bitten the heads off of 571 of the world's 1533 species of the mammalian order Chiroptera, the bats. Species decapitated include the Little Brown Bat, the Mexican Freetail Bat, and the Vampire Bat. Species still on Ozzy's list include the Samoan Giant Fruit Bat, the Fish-Eating Bat, the South American False Vampire Bat, and the endangered New Zealand Short-Tailed Bat.
Ozzy still holds the world record for simultaneously biting off the heads of multiple animals. He achieved this in 1943 when he managed to place three poodles, a boa constrictor, a Wookie, Mr. Rodgers, 4 overweight hamsters, half a donkey, Larry The Cable Guy, a young goat, an old goat, Cybill Shepherd, 3 pigs, an aardvark, an entire ant farm, The Four Tops, and the state of Nebraska into his mouth and proceeded with the mass decapitation.
Drugs and Alcohol
Ozzy Osbourne has a long history of battling addictions. Substances abused include whiskey, wine, pot, beer, mead, cocaine, speed, valium, meth, codeine, heroin, LSD (as well as GHB, PCP, PSP, PS2, YMCA, ABC, CNBC, ACLU, KKK and NRA), 'shrooms, morphine, aya-huasca, spray paint, children's cough syrup, nitrous oxide, turpentine, peyote, ether, fugu, opium, gorilla biscuits, morning glory seeds, jimson weed, Chuck Norris' urine, bat blood, postmodern fiction, Hash and kittens. He has also experimented with smoking an extract taken from the medulla oblongata of street mimes.
Osbourne was kicked out of Black Sabbath when his kitten problem spiraled out of control. He began with the occasional kitten to relax after a show, but soon was huffing as much as a litter of Siamese kittens a day, before moving on to full-grown tabbies and alley cats. When those were no longer enough to satiate his cravings, he began huffing Canadian lynx, pumas, and African servals, before finally developing a $100,000-a-day panther habit. At the depths of his addiction, he once huffed a full grown Siberian tiger.
Because of this drug use, Osbourne's entire body is classified as a Class 3 toxic material by the United States Department of Transportation and so his bus must tour with a "hazardous materials" warning sign; a full hazmat team follows the bus in containment suits at all times. It is widely rumored that if Ozzy died, you could dry him out and then smoke him. You would then get the best high in the world, see a godlike vision of the totality of time and space, which would be full of cool swirling colors-kind of like the'60s, except more gothic. The world would whisper its secrets into your ears, except it would do so in Ozzy's voice, so you wouldn't actually be able to understand any of it. Then, finally you would turn into a bat, which would then turn into God, and then into another bat, and Ozzy would appear and bite that bat's head off. Then the world would end.
This event, predicted in the Book of Revelations, is known as the Ozzpocalypse.
Famous Songs Of Ozzy
- Stairway to Heaven ( Or was that someone else...oh well.. )
- Oops I fucked someone again
- Paranoid about Birds
- Diarrhea of a Madman
- Perry Mason...Gets Canceled
- Iron Man
- Bark at the Spoon
- Up Middle Finger
- Why is it that when I sing all the words come out perfectly?
- Back in Jail
- No More Drugs ( ...Naaah! )
- Cumshot in the Dark
- That Dio Guy
- Facing Withdrawal
- Running out of Drugs
- Getting High Again
- Lazy Train
- Oh fuck, What are the words again?
- Straight Outta Compton
- Cop Killer
- Remem, Remem, eh, eh, ba, ba, That One timanafadooby hemenada of '88?
- Fuck tha Police
- Honey Bucket
- Ghetto muthafucka
- Tocata & Fuge in D Minor ( later stolen by the Time Lord Sebastian Bach )
- Natural Woman
- Paranoid Android Celuloid
- Sabbath bloody... ...hell! Sharon! where is my drugs?!
- No More Tears (written for a Johnson & Johnson ad)
- Sharooooooooooooooon! the dogs are shaggin the cats agin!
- Dio Sucks
Ozzy Osbourne has three children, if they can be described as such. One is a troll with the power to conceal her true appearance from the world, albeit not very well, who goes by the name Kelly Osbourne. She often looses Ozzy's golden unlimited funds credit card, which only colaborates in Ozzy's mumbling all the time and with some episodes for their show as well.
His son, Jack, is an amorphous blob who once attacked Tokyo in order to find Godzilla and obtain the title of King of monsters. He is also incredible retarded, due to his tiny brain (close to a peanut).
The third, son Darth Vader, is a renowned Sith lord who once got in a fight with a Jedi or something, resulting in premature baldness and red stains on his body.
He also gave birth to the Band "The Assorted Nuts" consisting of Danny Hubble ( lead bassist, ( AKA = Shamanth ) ) and the other impetuous nuts. . .
Ozzy successfully formulated an early warning system for missile attacks along with the British Army. This system was nicknamed "SAMWSGDMDBY" which stands for: "Sharooooooon Anti-Missile Warning System God Dammit Motherf*cking Drugs Baby Yeah! This system was a chief factor in the resolution of the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Ozzy also invented the "Turbo Heroin Tap", which consists of a new type of syringe that injects the drug 5 times faster, ideal for crowded drug circles.
Other known facts
Ozzy has two great natural enemies: Ronnie James Dio, from immemorial times, thus making it confusing to tell predator and prey apart; and Bruce Dickinson, who Sharon once called a prick. He then shot her in the head, temporarily killing her. Since he has the ability to raise the dead, many asked why he didn't bring her back. Ozzy replied, "I'm glad she's finally gone. She's been holding me hostage all these years and I can finally drink again! Hooray! Booze! Cocaine! Hookers!" He then proceeded to have a party and trash her funeral.
Once when Ozzy was young he was raped by two HARBL in the school bathroom. Ozzy described the rape as "cold, wet, sexy and better than anything Sharon can do."