Peanuts

From Encyclopædia Dæmonica
Jump to: navigation, search
Peter bogdanovich.jpg THE BOG SAYS
*s..i..i..g..g..h..h..h..*
I'm sure there was a brilliant point in here somewhere, uhhhh. . . where was that exactly?
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Peanuts.

Peanuts, not to be confused with Peanut or PNuts, is an elite quasi military fighting force originating in the tumultuous period of piracy and lawlessness of the 1970's. Formed by United States of America president Richard Nixon to do battle with the forces of Communism, Huffing, Thought Control, Sci-Fiism, Logic, New Math and Neo-Patrimonialism that threaten to clog up the arteries of the heartland of America. This highly secret organization is lead by the fearless ex-triad Charlie Brown and his rag-tag group of mercenaries, psychics and computer hackers. The existence of this organization has been successful covered up by a campaign of misdirection lead by Charles M. Schulz first via surrealist newspaper cartoon strips, and later through Television, movies and mass merchandise.

Origins[edit]

Peanuts originated in May 1971 when three great men; Richard Nixon, Charles M. Schulz and Charlie Brown had a chance encounter in a Shanghai taxi cab. Nixon was there stealing China's virginity for capitalism; Schulz was learning the way of the huddled tiger fist in the Jade Buddha Temple and Brown was on a mission to stop Oscar Wilde from stealing the worlds Oxygen supply. Each man knew that the fate of the world stood in the balance every minute of every day and to stop the evil forces that threatened democracy and freedom there needed to a be a super powerful, yet super secret organization of brilliant and driven individuals. Thus Peanuts was born. Some believe that the name Peanuts originates from a Thai hooker the trio shared when celebrating the birth of the organization, in Bangkok.

Structure[edit]

The organization is headed by its immortal ruler, Charlie Brown whose cyborg death poodle Snoopy stays constantly by his side. His right hand 'man' is the rambunctious and aggressive, yet lovable, Peppermint Patty. Third in command is the beautiful and deadly Lucy Van Pelt, Charles M. Schulz manages the corporate side of things ( including communications ) and the head of Richard Nixon liaises with various governments for funding.

Communications[edit]

Where Peanuts has succeed when other secret organizations of the same scope have failed miserably is in the brilliant combination of misdirection and efficiency in their communications. Peanuts, at home and in the field, communicate through highly complex codes implanted in the 'public' Peanuts franchise media and merchandise. The organization originally communicated through cartoon strips distributed to newspapers worldwide. But as the organization grew and its missions became more complex its communications needs grew to. Thus the 'public' Peanuts expanded into ever more broader range of media outlets.

Today anywhere in the world at any time a covert Peanuts operative can be updated with mission objectives and key information by opening a newspaper to the funnies or going to any mall and purchasing cleverly disguised and marketed Peanuts merchandise. To this day none of the forces of evil have been able to crack Charles M. Schulz codes. The stories portrayed in the cartoon strips, TV series and movies are often full of metaphors for the real life adventures of the Peanuts team.

Senior Team Members[edit]

Peanuts is a vast international organization involving tens of thousands of soldiers, sailors, operatives and snooping maids, but there are a few key members that have been with the organization since the early days and make up its core. These are:

High Commander, and a redeemed criminal, Charlie Brown commands the entire Peanuts organization from his office on the peak of Mt. Liberty on Kodiak Island. Born in 1623 Charlie Brown is a grandmaster of fencing and dewing doo and is the quintessential ladies man.
Charlie Brown, ready to save the day

Peppermint Patty's compassion for her friends is only matched by her terrible, terrible hatred for enemies. Feared and loved by all she is second in command at Peanuts. She is loud, brash, aggressive, competitive and always goes on the most exciting, dangerous missions. Always by her side is lover and confidant Marcie.

  • Lucy Van Pelt:

Love interest, luscious, bosomy, deadly Lucy is third in command. She has been reincarnated many times; in her last life time she single handedly defeated King George II and his Mech army at the Battle of Waterloo and freed the British from tyranny.

  • Linus Van Pelt:

Linus is often considered the quiet, brooding one of the main four Peanuts leaders. He often tempers Charlie Brown and Lucy's bravado by making them consider the bigger picture. He’s somewhat of a Spock figure.

Robotic hound of death Snoopy is Charlie Brown's best and most loyal friend. The two have been on many adventures together and Snoopy has saved Charlie Brown's life many times and vice versa. Snoopy leads the Peanuts air force from his command zeppelin PSS Red Zulu.

A super intelligent robot bird, Woodstock is from another galaxy and leads Peanuts scientific research team and sometimes goes on missions as an advisor.

Peppermint Patty's lover and personal assistant, Marcie is the only thing Peppermint Patty truly cares about in this crazy mucked up world. The terrible, terrible anger of Peppermint Patty is often softened and curtailed by Marcie's compassion for all living things. For example, the small nation of Azerbaijan ( home to twelve times the evil geniuses per 100,000 people than any other nation ) still exists to today because Marcie managed to contain Peppermint Patty's rage.
Marcie and Peppermint Patty returning from another successful mission of finding bad guys asses and then kicking them
  • Sally Brown, Eudora, Frieda and Violet:

Team Dark Knight. These four make up Peanuts highest ranking Ninja attack squad with each being adept in a different type of weapon and fighting style. Together they are near unstoppable.

  • Rerun:

Lord Admiral of Peanuts interstellar fleet of dreadnoughts, Rerun ensures no god damn alien swine threatens good old fashioned American values.

  • Schroeder:

Lord General of the Peanuts infantry Schroeder is a brutal, efficient but much loved Commander. He would not think twice of putting himself in person danger to give his troops a morale boost or simply to capture an enemy position single handedly.

  • Spike:

Snoopy's Cousin, Spike leads the Peanuts mechanized forces of battle tanks and mech warriors. While usually part of the second wave the Peanuts mechanized are a terrifying sight to see and even the threat of them has been known to make galactic empires surrender immediately.

On the Ground Assets[edit]

Peanuts' main base is on the stormy, frozen island of Kodiak where 1200 fifty metre high Kodiak Grizzly Bears guard its entrance. It is a vast underground complex housing secret laboratories, nerve centres, crèches, coffee shops, movie theatres, bowling alleys, disco's armories, fighter jets and living quarters for 10,000 freedom fighters. From here Peanuts launches its missions to bring freedom to the rest of the world.

At any given time there will be no fewer than 4000 Peanuts operatives on missions around the world and deep in outer space. There are many smaller bases across our Galaxy, these are just a few more notable ones:

  • The Great Android Fortress on Mars
  • Chateaux Rezoni, in Southern France
  • The aircraft carrier PSS Avenger, at sea currently somewhere in the Indian Ocean *Space Station Weathership Zulu Niner, currently orbiting above Southern Africa.

Enemies[edit]

Evil, oh so very, very evil.

The Red Baron is a terrifying figure made of pure iron oxide ( rust ). He has made many attempts to destroy Western Europe in the name of Communism only to be foiled by the glorious efforts of Snoopy and his 53rd Fighter Wing.

The Kite Eating Tree is the arch nemesis of the Peanuts air force and Charlie Brown. In the 'public' Peanuts it is shown as constantly eating Charlie Brown's kites, this is actually a metaphor for an evil tree living high in the Atlas Mountains created by a misguided scientist in the early sixties. In his defense those were crazy times and everyone was whacked out on something. This tree often sends its spores on the four winds to cleanse the world of mammals so that trees may reign supreme. Several squadrons of Peanuts planes have been lost when they strayed to close to its mountain fortress.

The Great Pumpkin is never shown on the comic strip or any other of the Peanuts media for a very good reason. It is a horror so terrible, so evil, so malicious that it all of the men and women of Peanuts, who know what the Great Pumpkin actually is at what its real name is, are chilled to the bone when they hear it. Because of this it is never shown in the communications nor its real name ever mentioned in the organization. When the Great Pumpkin does appear on the comic strip it means the nameless menace has once again stirred and another great struggle of good against evil is about to begin.