A person is the term applied to someone who is infected with Humanity, a disease which is incurable and fatal in all cases. Humanity is widely beleived to be worse than AIDS, Super AIDS, Gonorrhoea and Death mixed together.
Some of the symptoms attributed to Humanity are smelling bad, stating the obvious, caring for others, incessant bitching, and in serious cases vegetarianism. If left untreated vegetarianism can lead to veganism. Once the person has become a vegan they must be incinerated or they may begin to write shitty, Hippie music and try to save animals.
Avoiding The Disease
In order to avoid becoming a person one must be very careful. Humanity is highly contagious and by merely looking at, speaking to, or reading poorly crafted articles about Persons or Humanity one can catch the disease. The best way to avoid the disease is to kill yourself prior to becoming infected. The best way to avoid the disease and remain alive is to coat yourself in Golden Syrup and move to Antarctica. The syrup acts as a force field, filtering humanity out of the air you breath and inhibits it's absorption into your skin. Antarctica is a safe haven and last known people-free colony. In order to survive the melting heat of an Antarctic summer one must bring an Esky full of ice. The ice will help to keep you cool and can be sold to penguins for food, as ice is a rare commodity in Antarctica.
People died out in the year 1977, after a huge nuclear bomb decided to fly over to some place on planet earth. The people on the country that he visited were more than welcome to him, and in fact quite honoured that he would choose them, whilst reaping the obvious tourism benefits that he brought. For a number of years, Mr Bomb lived quite peacefully with the inhabitants, becoming an accepted member of the society. However, soon he began longing for female company, and would sit outside long into the night in utter loneliness, with no other weapons of mass destruction there to satisfy him. At this point, a meteor came hurtling through space, hitting the earth at approximatly 3 billion mph. Luckily it had remembered to use a seatbelt, and landed safely on the exact same country that Mr Bomb was staying. The two fell in love, and eventually produced three rock-like potenitally apocalypse causing beautiful children. Around three years after this, the sun in fact expanded into a huge supernova as part of its dying process, encompassing the earth along the way. Fortunately, fire alarms and fire proofing developments allowed the people to pass this problem relatively easily. Some time during this, a murderous alien race invaded the planet, with the sole aim of feasting on the juicy insides of every human being. After finding out that the insides of human beings were quite salty and less juicy than previously thought, they thought better of this and instead began to concentrate on metaphysics. The relieved occupants of planet earth then just sort of, you know, died out.