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A group of Pilots in their natural habitat.
For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pilot.

How can you tell if somebody's a pilot? Small cock, big watch and he puts everything on Visa.

Natural Environment and Lifestyle[edit]

Pilots can often be sighted in and around airports, bars and foreign brothels. Usually in that order. They are rumored to fly planes, though nobody has ever seen it as air navigators usually get shafted with that task.

A common misconception is that pilots are incapable of experiencing common human emotions such as love, caring, intimacy, and friendship. This is false. They can, it just doesn't involve other people. As such, they usually just spend their time circle jerking each other. Top Gun is a prime example of this, as the script obviously contained a paragraph of shallow plot and 200 pages of gay innuendo.


Pilots are known to be lazy slack-ass sacks of shit who have piss poor inspections, shitty shoes, and generally fuck up everything that can be possibly fucked up. Because of their tendency to fuck up, they appear in the order of being between brick and steward.


Pilot training is usually broken down into three phases, because anything more is too many numbers for them to count.

  1. Phase one is staying at hotels.
  2. Phase two involves learning to use credit cards. Pilots, with their limited spatial capacity, usually cannot figure out which way to swipe the card. As such, it has the highest failure rate of 132% ( standard dropout rate is 100% for reference ).
  3. Phase three is an intensive beach volleyball course. Note that nowhere in their training do they actually learn to fly planes, which is probably better for the rest of society.

Pilots in History[edit]

There have been famous pilots throughout history, such as Dumbo, Snoopy and Billy Bishop, but all were killed when the Red Baron, a formerly unheard of Venezuelan logistics private in the air force, raided their beachfront hotel. Scared to see someone on the opposing force, they died of heart attacks on the spot.

II Kyle Hagen of 6 Sqn, who for reference has a really hot mom, epitomizes everything that is wrong with the world. He is also a pilot. If you see one, do not feed it.

The Everyday Life of the Pilot[edit]

When he or she is not pretending to fly airplanes ( usually the flight attendant in the Captain's lap is responsable for control manipulation ), pilots are living what they call normal lives. First year regional First Officers with $1 gazillion in flight training debt and a $.01/year salary can generally be found on Grant Street in Pittsburgh begging breweries for free beer. They then sulk around to Internet forums wishing they had become lawyers instead. Crusty old major airline captains making $5 gazillion a year and flying once every menstrual cycle, pretend like they are still twentysomethings and race their private yachts off Puget Sound and lament how Mr. T is responsible for them making poverty wages. Fighter pilots know they are gods and aren't afraid to show it. Many a fighter pilot has been known to spontaneously implode when that potential lay downright refuses their "happy copilot."