“My mum was killed by a politican.”
~ Graham Chapman on Politicans
NOTE: THIS PAGE HAS BEEN CRITIQUED. WORDS IN BRACKETS ARE ADDED BY CRITICS. ALSO, THE TEMPLATES ABOVE DO NOT WORK BECAUSE THEY WERE COPIED FROM UNCYCLOPEDIA.
Politics is the art of being wrong less often than the person who wrote this article. The name is based on the words Poly and Ticks, Poly meaning many, and ticks meaning blood sucking parasites ( this is not funny - it is too old. Please try to be less G rated ). Politics means many blood thirsty parasites ( yes, you just said that ). Basically these politics/politiks or politicians, exist to drink the blood of the citizens of a nation ( Because that happens a lot of the time ). There are generally three categories of politicians: liberals, moderates, and conservatives. Each are equally partial to the sweet, sweet red liquor of the populace (No.). Conservatives want to make all but the the richest 1% into slave laborers who are forced to build giant pyramids ( did you really think that this would make anyone laugh? Even a forced smile would be a bit much ), whereas Liberals want to allow gays to legally marry you against your will ( well, that's against the word Liberal. Liberals give as much freedom as possible, without infringing on the freedoms of others. Again, did you expect that to make anyone laugh? ). Moderates strike a balance between the two positions, and want everyone to have the option of building giant pyramids. (No. Just... no.)
Politics only exist in the United States, and there are only two political parties -- Democrats and Republicans. ( Way to fill up a paragraph, geniuses. )
Anyone who is liberal, is considered on the side of the political left of the government table. This place is reserved for:
- Anemic Lumps of Flesh
- Communists ( How can you be a liberal communist? )
- Poor people
- People who use the internet
- People who write political comics/movies
- Crusty punk rockers
- People who think they are intelligent
Anyone who is moderate, is considered on the side of the political middle of the government table. This place is reserved for:
- the Average Citizen
- Fence Sitters
- the pathetic
- Blood suckers
- People with no education
- and that 2/3 child born to average parents.
Anyone who is conservative, is considered on the side of the political right of the government table. This place is reserved for
- Your nextdoor neighbor
- Business Owners
- Rich People
- Closet Cases
Other political parties (Other political parties? But earlier on in the article, you told me that there were only two!):
- Dumb Ass Political Party (archived at WaybackMachine.org)
- Silly Party
Activities of the Political Classes
All members of the government table, partake in the drinking of blood from the citizens. They often vote themselves pay raises, dip into Social Security funds for their home states, and they like to argue a lot over just about anything. Whilst the conservative and liberal classes are natural enemies, they are often seen to combine power to rail against the sheer mediocrity of the moderates. Furthermore, no individual political party or politician is bound to a particular class and may move from left to right in order to secure the most power.
Power is of vital importance to the politic, for without it there is great difficulty in obtaining access to a steady supply of sweet, sweet blood.
Differences Between Left and Right Politics
- Left: You are on your own until you are born, and then you are showered with government handouts.
- Right: We protect you like the mad clinic bombers we are until you are born, and then you are on your own against big mean cowboy capitalists. Before birth nothing is more important than your life, afterwards we draft you into as many wars as we can.
- Left: We waste billions of dollars for the pursuit of scientific knowledge alone.
- Right: On a five year mission to seek out new sources of oil for big-ass SUVs. Plus, rockets are the ultimate phallic symbol.
- Left: We should tax everybody who makes over....wait a minute, let me check my W-2....oh, right...over $37,301, at 100%.
- Right: Why should we be forced to pay for those $8 billion dollar fighter jets we just approved of.
- Left: Creationism is drunk-rednecks trying to do science with their toes.
- Right: The dog-eat-dog survival-of-the-fittest Darwinian thinking is banal, offensive, and animalistic. That kind of stark thinking belongs in Economics, not Science.
- Left: If blue states want to marry goats, pigs, and iguanas, we should have the right.
- Right: Homosexuality is so horrible that we will vote for crazy presidents who happily declare war on non-existent weapons in order to stop gay marriage