Pregnancy

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pregnancy.

Pregnancy is an infamous parasitic and sexually transmitted disease that is commonly suffered by female human beings and animals. Males are usually immune to this disease since birth, but most of them are potential carriers that may transmit this disease to his female partner(s) during sex.

Symptoms[edit]

Males, who are immune to pregnancy, have no symptoms as a carrier, unlike female. Pregnancy usually has an incubation of two to six weeks for females. After the incubation ended, the victims would suffer from nausea, exhaustion, and obssession with sour foodstuff. The symptoms would develop to turgid limbs after two to three months. Since then, the parasite, which implanted itself on the uterus of the victims, would start to be visible as a bulge on the belly. If no medical care is given to the victim, the bulge will further develop to be as big as a basketball.

Most women suffer from bladder infections, and kidney infections are common. Muscle infections are a rarity although do sometimes occur.

Fortunately, the victims of this disease have no threat to their lives. But the parasite leeches away any nutrition the victims obtain and transfer its metabolic waste to her, and results in bad health condition.

The parasite often wants out just as much as the patient wants the parasite out.

After nine to ten months, the parasite will start to move in the uterus, causing unbearable pain to the patient. This is completely natural, as it is a removal process of the parasite from the host. After this process, this disease is cured, and the patients would usually be overjoyed. But this is just the beginning of another nightmare. See Mother

You may also die. It's a 50/50 chance. And don't act like you're shocked. You know that's how you killed Ol' Jake from two blocks away.

Cause & Cure[edit]

The main cause of this disease is sexual intercourse, which the male ejects his tadpole-shaped germs or darklings into his partners' genital and infects the tissue.

Though, very rarely, does it happen that a female being catches this disease without having sex. The only example that can be found is a Jewish woman called Virgin Mary, who bore this disease through praying and God sent his Holy Spirit who, in a sticky mess of God's body fluid, "came upon her". The process is still unclear. Yet it is notable that the parasite produced, named Jesus, ( stand for "parasite" in old Jewish language ) caused much trouble to the world, and thus leading the assumption that the parasites brought by this kind of divine intervention are more nasty.

The only known way to cure this disease before it naturally removes itself and causes trouble is abortion. Unfortunately this method is widely criticized as "inhumane" by human-right activists.

Precaution[edit]

Here is a list of ways to prevent transmitting or being transmitted to this disease.

Male[edit]

Make a flag with condoms and fly it outside your window before having sex. The angel who see this may probably show you mercy, and grant your partner a temporary ability to be immune to this disease. Probably.
Since males are immune to pregnancy, to have sex with another male is another way to prevent this disease to be spread, and you have the pleasure too ( only if you are not the bottom guy. ) This method has been tested by Ang Lee, and he has published his documentary film Brokeback Mountain recording two guys using this method to prevent this disease. The film was named after the mountain where Ang Lee tested his therapy.
  • Orgy

Female[edit]

  • Reject sex
A really successful mean to prevent this disease, which is 100% guaranteed that no pregnancy would be possible. A useful technique to turn down your male partner is to put a package of ketchup into your virgina (McDonald's ones are preferred), and tell the man on the bed that you are in your period.
Similar to the male counterpart above, except that both the individuals involved would have pleasure.
Pretty self-explanatory. Use dildoes when you are doing this, and videotape it. Probably Playboy or Penthouse. A last reminder is Do Not Pray. Unless you want to have a son like the Jesii.

Measuring pregnancy[edit]

The S.I Unit for measuring pregnancy is the cow ( symbol: moo ). For example "I am 3 cows pregnant" or "I usually give birth at 17moo".