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The leader of the United States of Dæmonica
The purpose of presidents
A President is someone who has the power to rape every rule (but still has to pay taxes, you dont mess with the IRS)and law ( including grammar laws ) in the book, and make up new ones as he or she goes along. A President can also pass votes that, though perhaps not directly, may cause suicidal behavior in pregnant teenage males. Some Presidents are more powerful than others. ( this following is information regarding the United States )The United States President, for example, has power over most of the world. While the U.S.s official turf encompasses everything south of Canada and north of Mexico ( plus Alaska and Hawaii ), they are moving in on Afghanistan and more importantly Iraq, both of whom have many valuable natural resources ( opium, oil, cannabis, hashish, oil, lots more oil and opium, did I mention oil? ) The US is considered by many to be one of the most ruthless crews this side of Earth. Their colors are Red, White, and Blue, resembling Native Americans ( red ) who were killed and their bodies turned cold and strange-colored ( blue ) by mostly white people ( white ). While a less-organized but more-famous method of smokin' motherfuckaz was just to invade and accidentally shoot as many civis as possible, a method that is becoming increasingly popular is to break into someone's house and stuff hundreds of sleeping pills in their mouths, thus O.D.ing them -Mean, Uh..." for details on how to avoid an overdose). Back to the Presidency. Being President means all your Capos kick up directly to you, and then you give a percentage to the guy who really calls the shots. Also, if a certain business refuses to pay their "protection tax" to you, you have the bribe money to call the Po-Lease and have them locked up for years.
To Become President You Must:
- Defeat the current President in hand-to-hand combat ( or hire your personal Lightsaber army instead ).
- Master the art of "us" and "them"
- Never get caught in your Tinkie Winkie suit.
- Be man enough to give Ted Kennedy a reach-around.
- Be "fo rizzle"
- Smoke marijuana, but never inhale.
- Decide to attack another country for no apparent reason.
- Oppose Osama Bin Laden, and other dead terrorists.
- Have a "deeply concerned" face, a "quietly pondering" face, and a "confident incompetent" face. Nothing that comes forth from your lips is particularly considered relevant.
- Expand the American Empire in some way, past examples of this are:
- George Washington: Illegally stole the Eastern Coast of North America from the Brits.
- John Adams: Invaded Florida and drove off the Spanish.
- Ben Franklin: Created the state of Franklin from land legally stolen from the natives.
- Churchill: Took the glorious Midwest from the Canadian Caliphate after World War 1 1/2.
- Ma and Pa: Incorporated the great prairie, one boring book at a time.
- Old Abe: Took over half of Mexico to make up for the loss of the Confederate States of America.
- Obama: Invaded Libya because his administration needed to capture at least ONE middle-eastern country
- Teddy Bear Roosevelt: Took Puerto Rico from Spain because we wanted a limbo place that wasn't a state nor a territory so we could torture our victims legally.
- JFK took over Cuba in the bay of Pigs.
- Dwight Esihnour took over Europe, Africa, Vietnam and [Mexico].
- George Bush Sr.: Took over Kuwait in the name of 'world peace'.
- Bill Clinton: Kidnapped a bunch of Iranian babes to rub baby oil into his back on the weekends.
- George Bush Jr.: Took over Iraq, Afghanidom and Hippieland from the Canadians 'cause we hate Canada. and hired Xangu the clown
- Hillary Clinton: Is so sure of election, has already moved into oval office and took the rest of Canada.
- Harry Truman: Kill a whole mess o' Japs... er... wait... how did that expand America? Ah, who cares... f***ing Japs...
- Van Buren: Fought off hordes of gay extraterrestrials with his epic sideburns, but later was abducted and never seen again. It is presumed that the extraterrestrials are currently reverse engineering Van Buren's godly sideburns and plan to return eventually.