Professional wrestling

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The only "professional" wrestling is what I did to all those japs, brother!

~ Hulk Hogan on Professional Wrestling

[Professional Wrestling] a competitive athletic sport.

~ Captain Obvious on Basketball

Basically, a form of ballet. With lycra and steroids.

~ This Guy on Professional Wrestling

For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Professional wrestling.

Professional Wrestling also known as Pro Rasslin is the world's leading competitive sport just ahead of Soccer and Being a Douchebag. Professional Wrestlers train painstakingly in their sport to efficiently combat an opponent using several attacks that involve grabbing and running. The Wrestling Ring is where these contests -wrestling "matches"- are held, an intricately designed stage that was later borrowed by other so called sports such as boxing, thai boxing, kickboxing, french kickboxing, and hockey to a lesser extent. The competitive sport of Professional Wrestling is very dangerous, and the risk of death hangs over the head of every Professional Wrestler during every single one of their highly contested matches. Please do not wrestle a stranger to death if you are not trained to do so.

In terms of effectiveness as a martial art, a well-trained Professional Wrestler is completely unstoppable by anyone.

Origins and History[edit]

Professional Wrestling -like all other sports that involve half naked men sweating profusely as they grab each other- finds its origins in the Sumo wrestlers of Japan. These Sumo wrestlers migrated via an icy land-bridge to the American continent during the Paleolithic age, evolving over time into Mexican "Luchadores" that wore masks and could fly. Several other schools of wrestling also sprung up in Canada and Europe.

Eventually, wrestlers from all nations competed together as villains against American heroes that would not submit to their foreign submission holds.

Today, leading American wrestling heroes still test their competitive skills against lousy foreigners in such foreigner-filled areas as Japan, Canada and the U.K., though they still mostly wrestle on American soil ( considerably less foreigners ). The leading American company showcasing these heated athletic competitions is the World Wrestling Federation, now known as "The World Wrestling Entertainment" though until very recently, this company actually had to compete against "The World Championship Wrestling" for the top spot.

Rules and Procedure[edit]

The majority of Professional Wrestling matches consists of two competitors facing off: usually in a wrestling ring. Each wrestler approaches the ring accompanied with a fireworks display that kills several of the audience members, as well as music that they are required to compose and record themselves. They proceed to take turns punching each other devastatingly hard, running around bouncing off the ropes, and lifing each other ( usually by the groin ) to slam each other on the rock-hard ring mat.

The rules of the match are enforced by a referee, who is usually brutally killed and replaced by another expendable official.

There are four ways to win a match (a bell is rung at the beginning and end of a match):

1. Pin- The losing competitor must be laying flat on his back, the other then lays down on top of him (slowly) and holds his leg up firmly by the thigh leaving the loser unable to move. The referee must count to three by slapping the ringmat (often fracturing his hand), the man on top being declared the victor on "three".

2. Submission- The loser "taps out" or "passes out" usually because his leg is being pulled (literally), or because he is being squeezed really hard by the sweaty victor.

3. Count Out- If a competitor is unable to make it back into the ring, having competed too intensely perhaps; he loses after a ten count.

4. Disqualification- A competitor is "DQ'd" if -during the match- he uses a foreign object such as a rifle or a grenade.

Though most matches follow these rules, there are exceptions and variations. There are two on two "tag" matches, as well as matches that pit 1000 pathetic foreigners ( or more ) against a single American hero. American heroes of wrestling cannot be made to submit because of their superior love for their country and Constitution of the United States, so they often win or at the very least die after killing 800 of the foreigners ( killing the rest as they explode ).

Wrestling Maneuvers[edit]

Wrestlers have to be able to survive in a highly competitive environment, so early on they develop an arsenal of moves that include picking up their opponent and dropping them, and jumping on a prone opponent from a potentially rib-shattering altitude when you could just kick them to death. But kicking someone instead of jumping on them is not Professional.

Every wrestler also has a "finishing move" that they utilize to kill their opponent when the situation calls for it. Famous finishing moves include:

  • The Big Leg Drop: Used by Hulk Hogan, he lightly dropped his leg on his opponent, with his thigh landing devastatingly hard on the victim's chest.
  • Stone Cold Stunner: Steve Austin used this move, he pulled out a taser and hit the victim in the eye with it. He always got Disqualified or suspended but he did not give a fuck.
  • Fatality

Heroes and Villains[edit]

The competitive sport of Professional Wrestling co-exists with the social climate around it. The wrestlers are all either bad, or good or they dont give a fuck; this variety of personalities obviously creates a hostile environment.

Villains are foreign or assholes ( usually both ) and they are also largely Canadian.

Heroes are American, they have the most skill as athletic competitors because they are from the greatest country and they have the red, white and blue running through their veins. They are a real american, fight for the rights of every man, they are the real americans, fight for your rights, fight for your life.

Those that dont give a fuck are often seen running the executives of "The World Wrestling Entertainment" over with a vehicle, but they cant be fired because they dont give a fuck.

Amateur versus Professional Wrestling[edit]

Amateur Wrestlers try to emulate the groin-bruising maneuvers of the Professionals.

As in other sports, wrestlers must first qualify in the Amateur ranks of the sport. Amateur wrestlers are only allowed to grab each other (usually by the groin) and can't punch or jump on top of each other. These are privileges reserved for the time when they finally become Professionals.

Professional Wrestling, as is seen in the Pro ranks of other sports, is considerably more competitive than Amateur Wrestling. In fact, many successful Amateur Wrestlers dont have what it takes to defeat anyone in the highly competitive sport of Professional Wrestling, they are usually smaller when they arrive on the scene and are thus easily manhandled ( usually by the groin ).