Victoria the first, Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, Lord of All Dominions Beyond Scunthorpe in North Lincolnshire on the Appleby Frodingham Railway, Empress of Indiana, and Purchaser of Discount Teabags was Queen of the World from 1819 until 1901. Her impact on the nation of Great Britain was so great that her enormous bulk forced every man, woman and child to flee England forever in fear of being smothered under her massive, crushing weight.
We are born
Like many living creatures, Victoria was the product of the union between sperm and egg, whose divorce several years later was followed by a bitter custody battle in which both sides lost. She matured in the Royal Bun-warmer until 1819, when she emerged into this world after passing through her mother's royal vagina. The intimate contact with the royal vagina so upset her that years later she would outlaw the orifice, claiming that "no civilized woman" would want one, nor know what to do with it if such a beast were to come into her possession.
Young Vicky's childhood was a sad, droll affair. Her father died when she was a young man, an act that he felt was necessary in order to avoid spoiling his child as she grew up. Her mother found her daughter to be repulsive, needy, and almost entirely computer-illiterate. However, seeing that the Royal coffers were tied to the child, her mother nevertheless deigned to interact with Victoria while she was in her Royal cage. The two spent many hours together, highlighted by her mother's throwing bananas to her daughter as she swung from tree limb to tree limb, all the while dangling the Royal coffers from her Royal ankles.
We are sat upon the throne
In 1837, her Uncle William — who, during this time, had been acting as if he were King of the British Empire — died while on the throne. The whole affair caused an awful stink ( His Majesty was a bit of a potty hog ) and eventually, Victoria learned to use the throne herself, ultimately ascending into place her uncle loved the most. Victoria soon discovered that she, too, loved the throne — and that the throne room echoed if one made various noises. This entertained her greatly, and was one of the reasons why the young Queen would remain on the throne until 1901, when she finally managed to get the last of it out of there.
We find love in the arms of the Hun
Unable to find a man suitable for her in the British Empire, her ministers were dispatched to Germany, where they discovered her cousin, His Highness Francis Charles Augustus Albert Emmanuel, Prince of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Duke of Saxony, Count of Numbers and Baron of Fleas. Normally, incest would be frowned upon, however it was such a relief that she found the Hun tolerable that it was decreed that the nation could live with the threat of an heir with a nipple on his forehead if it meant getting her highness off their collective backs. Albert might be best described as "the man with something extra." Upon meeting Victoria, he placed his penis in her hand as he slipped its ring around her finger, and the two were joined as man and wife.
The pudgy Victoria would periodically emerge from the throne room to venture out with her Albert ( known as "Bertie" to his buddies at the local pub ). Though the young Queen was sure that people were looking at her and admiring her handsome husband, she was unaware that the common people were unaccustomed to seeing an aristocratic lady such as their Queen walking about while holding her husband's penis. But Victoria kept a firm grip on her man, and never removed his ring from her finger while he was alive.
This is not to say that the Queen and His Highness Francis Charles Augustus Albert Emmanuel, Prince of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Duke of Saxony failed to enjoy their relations. To the contrary, the couple had at least 27 litters during their marriage, and found good homes for them in all the best royal houses on the Continent. And Victoria, while enlightened on the dual nature of the Royal Puss, still refused to admit that she had one, but instead claimed it to be a Kumquat, for from it came the fruit of her loom.
Her people were quick to warm to Bertie, and found him to be an eager volunteer for Pantomimes, especially when it came to parts requiring a dress.
We are appalled
By 1861, His Highness Francis Charles Augustus Albert Emmanuel, Prince of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Duke of Saxony had had enough of Her Corpulance's constant hovering, nagging, and menu-planning.
To get away from her, the Prince Consort decided he could either go hide in the men’s room, or he could just die and be done with it. He chose death, and selected a very nice strain of typhoid fever to do the job for him. In his fevered state of mind, he said that the typhoid was a bit harsh, yet boldly promising and coy in its progress. He asked the Queen to tip the royal viral steward well, bade his wife a "toodoodleydoo" and died, dead away.
This was fine enough for His Highness Francis Charles Augustus Albert Emmanuel Oh to Hell with all that, lets just call him Albert; anyway Albert didn't have to deal with Her Majesty's grief. ( Tragically, his remains were laid to rest in a can of tobacco, a move that engendered one of the most overused jokes in human history when a chicken mistakenly attempted to cross a nearby road, apparently in order to get to the other side of the can. ) But it was bloody Hell for those who were left behind to clean up the mess.
We ask, what is this Bloody Hell?
Well what do you bloody think it means?
After her husband's death, the Queen locked herself in the loo for ten years, during which all she did was weep uncontrollably. Never mind anyone else's personal needs; no, it was all about her, her pain, her misery, her recipe for Chicken Tikka Masala. She could have cried in her boudoir, or in any of the castle's other 700 rooms, but oh, noooooo. She had to sit in the only bloody bathroom in the whole place, sobbing. Things got really tense after the groundskeepers informed the Prime Minister that they had cut every tree in Sherwood Forest down to make tissues for Her Majesty's sake.
We are not amused
When she finally did emerge from the loo, a different Victoria appeared — a much larger one. Some historians estimate that her overall body mass increased by as much as 350 percent during this period. Summoning her Prime Minster and the Prime Numbers, Victoria set about making laws that would bring order to the world around her, and pepperoni pizza to the front door on a regular basis.
First, Victoria outlawed good taste. She then decreed that from 1871 onward the world would be a place of bizarre buildings built of coal, strange concepts, inexplicable cultural eccentricities and poodles. For example, she decreed that it was "OK" to wear stripes and plaids together, but outlawed the wearing of polka dots while polka dancing. She also imposed a law forbidding manicures to take place after tea, and made it a capital offense to write decent poetry. In 1876, the queen outlawed toothbrushes for her citizens and Dentistry as a course of study and as a field of professional practice. Victoria also outlawed the 19th Century and decreed that the Victorian Era - her era - had begun.
No one was safe from the Queen's befowled mood swings. Children - once a source of pleasant distraction - no longer brought her any joy. So Victoria consigned them to work in factories, but only after the factories had been dirtied up a bit with soot and rubbish and the safety-guards had been removed from the machinery.
After Victoria outlawed vaginas ( see supra ), her advisor's informed her that the men of Britain had begun humping each other in droves due to the lack of vaginal orifices, which left them with a lot of "idle time." In response, she banned homosexuality. When she discovered that they were talking about the situation in hushed whispers, she banned Gaelic. When she discovered that they were still doing it behind closed doors, she banned doors. When she was informed later that they were now doing it behind bushes, Victoria called for the deshrubbing of the English homeland. Tired of these demands, Victoria just up and outlawed men. "Oh, what a cathartic release that must have been," commented Oscar Wilde upon hearing the news. In a separate action she outlawed Wilde, not because he was a raving homosexual, but because he was snippy and Irish as well.
When asked about the possibility of rampant lesbianism and girl-crushes the Queen replied that Ladies would never stoop to such levels. But, just to be on the safe side, she outlawed liquor because it sounded dirty.
We have a Secret
Hoping to escape herself in the fall of 1882, Queen Victoria traveled to Scotland, where most people went upon their escape from something. To her dismay, the Queen not only discovered that the Scots could not be understood by civilized people, but that the men in Scotland had found a loophole in her "No Boys Allowed" rule by wearing traditional kilts.
Amongst those who had cleverly sidestepped the rule was a brawny lad of some sixty years, whose physical strength and kind, compassionate eyes reminded her of her long departed Albert. Victoria took Mr. Brown ( the British version of Mr. Smith ) into her confidence, and in return, Mr. Brown was allowed to service her majesty's "majesty." This was no small task. By this time, the Queen was using yacht sails as underwear. Yet for this brawny laddie in a skirt, this was no obstacle. Since knowledge of their intimacies might have sparked a rebellion, Victoria kept the relationship a secret, revealing details of their steamy liaisons only on her MySpace and LiveJournal pages. She also began to fancy circus tents as undergarments as well. Mr. Brown was noted as once saying that he "had a lassie with a crotchless big top." No one took him seriously, as like all Scots he was born with two hollow legs for boozing and lie like dogs in front of a fire. Still, he seemed happiest when he was fresh from a visit to the "fishmonger," as he had affectionately nicknamed the Queen's quinny.
Unfortunately, the relationship ended one night when Mr. Brown was crushed under the immense weight of the Queen. For the second time she disappeared into the loo for another ten years of pitiful sobbing and painful eliminations.
We have the vapors
By 1900, Victoria had become so much larger in real life than anyone thought possible, it became apparent that the Queen was about to flatten all of England. She had eaten all of the cattle, pigs, horses, and migratory birds – snout to tail - in the British Isles. She even got a whale down her gullet, but struggled with indigestion for days.
Despondent over the past, the melancholy Queen died peacefully in her sleep, leaving her morose homeland ravaged and open to resettlement by the lot of ash sweepers, barmaids, and soccer hooligans who occupy it today.