Queensland

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Ol' Blackie, the flag of Queensland

Queensland, often referred to as "The Only State" by some of its residents, is a bat fuck insane 'Strayan state known for its ridiculous heat, abundance of sporting legends and the heavy drinking of its locals.


History[edit]

Queensland was created in 1859 when God decided He’d had enough rest and really ought to create something that made all the effort worthwhile.

Shortly after it was created it was donated to the Queen and called Queen'sland. At the time everybody thought that the Queen didn’t have nearly enough land so they were glad that God gave her some more. Also, at the time, people knew how to use apostrophes. This ancient wisdom has now been lost in the mists of time. Many scholars believe it might be hidden somewhere under the blueprints for the Pyramids. The apostrophe from the State's name has been similarly misplaced.

In 1860 God created XXXX which is consumed by every Queenslander from the age of -1. This was done so that he could keep the population in check. To date it has worked quite effectivley.

In 1901, Queensland became part of Australia. The good thing about this was that it gave the state some other states to compare itself with. With the nature of those other States, Queenslanders realised they would be able to retain a smug air of superiority for all time and with good reason. Queensland is the smartest of all the states because their edumucation system is the best. Really. Just in case the other states missed that point, Queenslanders like to put it on their cars just to show off.

Since 1924 Queensland has been partly populated by split pairs of Hobartian twins as part of an experiment to see if ignorant racist Queenslanders are product of nature or nurture. Results suggest the latter.

Politics[edit]

Queensland is run by a Premier most of the time. Some famous Premiers have been:

Peter Beater Pumpkin-eater – current Premier of Queensland. Unlike his cousin, he has managed to keep his wife without resorting to the use of vegetable husks. He has single-handedly apologised for more fuck-ups than all the previous premiers put together. No-one has yet managed to explain to him that it’s not actually a competition. Peter Beater is a champion of the ordinary worker citizen - he has used his position to actively support, by example, the national culture of bludging.

Wayne Goose – actually, he’s not that famous come to think of it.

Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL – somehow became Premier and remained so for 125 years. He is the longest serving Premier in Australian history. He was knighted by Queen Victoria for services to inter-racial relations, having famously said, “I wouldn’t be related to anyone from another race, even if it’s the Olympic 200m butterfly”. He was an amusing sight, striding the corridors of Parliament in his shiny armour, occasionally shouting, "Halt. Who goes there? Don't you worry about that." At the same time he ruled with an iron fist and lead balls over some of the most corrupt politicians in the history of politicians. He was a renowned consumer of brown paper bags, which were subsequently used to pay his workers peanuts. Many of his evil opponents accused him of huffing kittens, however he claimed biblical authority and so that was all right. All this was accomplished despite being born in New Zealand, and speaking only an obscure and untranslatable dialect of Swahili.

Geography[edit]

Queensland is a land of contrasts. Well, that’s according to all the tourist brochures which are helpfully printed in red, green and blue to illustrate the point. The red symbolises the “Outback” - a mythical place filled with nothing but dirt, flies, clothes-lines, trampolines and children’s swing sets. The most famous place in the “Outback” is the Ettamogah Pub where “blokes” say “strewth” a lot and drive “utes”.

The green symbolises the “Rainforest”. This is an experimental forest being developed by scientists from the Queensland University of Coming Up With Big Ideas on Small Budgets ( QUCUWBIOSB ) in conjunction with the Queensland Government Department of Spending Big Budgets on Mind Numbingly Useless Ideas ( QGDOSBBOMNUI ). The concept is that a new strain of tree can be genetically engineered to produce precipitation. If enough of these trees can be planted in a small enough space they will become a forest. Anyone who can’t join the dots on that one doesn’t deserve to know what the hell we’re talking about.

Finally, the blue symbolises the “Ocean”. Queensland is the proud owner of approximately 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilometres of prime beachfront real estate. This is a private beach, accessible only upon passing a dress code inspection carried out by officious security staff. These staff are recognisable by their headsets with microphones which elevate them to the same level of importance as United Steaks Secret Cervix agents. Just off shore in the “Ocean” is the “Great Reef Barrier” which was built in the 1950s as a barrier to stop the Japanese from reefing the beach away and towing it home with them.

Unfortunately, during the Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL years, Queenslanders dug out an additional 4.7682E57 kilometres of canal estates, and consequently, much of south-east Queensland is slowly being absorbed by its fantastic surf beaches!

Queensland also has some mild natured mountains but we ran out of brown ink so they don’t appear in the brochures.

Capital City[edit]

Brisvegas Pop ( -ups shit me ): 1.3 million people; 10 million bongs, too many cats, and 6 billion designer handbags.

Suburbs: Burp'n gary, Capalalalblala, Clonetarf, Emoggera, Kippa's Ring, Bean Town, Ferny Groove, Kingstoned, LMAOrapinta, Vulgar, Zillmeh, and KAUBLCHA

Bogan/Yuppie/Derro filled holes: While Sydney is infamous for its Redfern region Brisbane has quadruple the infamy, Red Hill, Deception Bay and Inala!

Random Fact: Ipswichians like to claim they live in Brisvegas, when in fact they live in Ipswich, the root of all evil, kind of like the Katoomba of Brisbane.

Climate[edit]

As our brochures also tell you, Queensland is “beautiful one day, perfect the next”. Unfortunately, no-one knows when either of those days will be, so stop calling the Bureau of Meteorology because they have enough work to do already. There is, however, a school of thought that developed somewhere in the other states that argues that that day has been and gone sometime during the Triassic Period. This school of thought is commonly referred to as Fuck wittery.

One advantage of a Queensland summer is the humidity: one doesn't need to drink during summer in Queensland, as all the moisture you could ever need is in the atmosphere. Handy, huh?

Moses leading the Jews through Queensland

Demographices[edit]

Queensland is known for its excessive unused and uninhabited land. Most Australians live on the eastern coastline to get away from the brain-dead, alcoholic "cowboys" who seem to never bathe or be able to find civilisation. Queensland's capital is Brisbane, which plays host to many long nights and annoying hangovers. If you're looking to drown yourself in alcohol, Brisbane is the place to go. The Government has enforced a 24-hour-7-day-party law, which has resulted in a person to club ratio of 1:3. This means if you live in Brisbane the building you are currently in is, or will be in the next few days, a nightclub.

Feel free to run around drunk all the time when in Queensland, as the annual Schoolies week comes around the end of the year. The event, held at the Gold Coast, is where recently finished high school teenagers come to drink, have sex, drink and have sex again, on an hourly basis. Of course, no state of Australia could be complete without the Police. You probably see these guys chasing down innocent civilians with blinding concentrations of mace as they are too lazy or stupid to take down the real criminals such as kidnappers, murderers or drug traffickers. And be careful not to Really Piss A Queensland Police Officer Off, or you may find yourself pinned to a building by the officer's patrol car!

So please visit Queensland - "The home of tolerance, ( almost ) all welcome".

Language[edit]

The language spoken in Queensland is distinctly different to language spoken in the other states of Australia. This language is most commonly known as "Foul". It is also noted that most Queenslanders drop the ends off words, and put odd pauses in others, resulting in the transformation of speech such as "In the name of the lord, sir, today is posessing of quite a high temperature. Shall we travel to the local publican's premises for a cold alcoholic beverage made from grain?" into "Jesus fuckin' H. Christ it's a fuckin' scorcher! Bugger dis, let's 'ead up the local." Further, Queenslanders often add 'eh' to the end of sentences, such as the above, "it's a fuckin' scorcher, eh?" It is believed this phenomenon is due partialy to the heat, and partially to the need to save energy for drinking and partying. For this reason they're sometimes as confused as Canadians.

A fine literary example of the Queensland language was a romantic erotic novel, aimed at men, penned by a Brisbane resident named Churba Silvertongue, called "I Fucked That Slut From The Pub ( Again )." His second work was far less developed, " That Slut".


Gods[edit]

Pauline Hanson as she is seen by outback Queenslanders

Most of Queensland, and especially Northern Queensland, recognises Pauline Hanson as their patron saint and divine ruler for eternity. Some say it was her strict anti-immigration views that gave her this status, but most Queenslanders agree that it's really that she's a foxy lady.

"Smart State" Status[edit]

Queenslanders usually refer to their state as being the smartest of them all, via numberplates. As a consequence, an IQ test must be completed annually in order to live there. If one fails the test ( and achieves an IQ of more than 30 ) that person is expelled from the state and is made to live in the Northern Territory ( or Upper Coomera ), that place that could have been a state but didn't wanna. Because Queensland holds the title of being the Smart State it is able to lord it over the other states... and New Zealand. An unfortunate aspect of Queensland is that exfernophomenaquintification doesn't work there.