Red Bull

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Red Bull.

Well, it doesn't give you the big balls of a Red Bull, but it can keep you up for those late-night writing sessions or orgies.

~ Oscar Wilde on Red Bull


A liquid drug that makes you "raise taller than the tallest elm tree" ( Eduard Vilde ).

Some people have grown balls as a side effect to drinking Red Bull. ( see Rosie O'Donnell. )

Red Bull is generally accepted as being the third most toxic substance known to man, behind Mountain Dew and that Really Cheap Cola with the funny name that your mom buys at the supermarket, as a result five out of two cafes would rather sell Yo'tes.

Red Bull is said to be so delicious, God added an eleventh commandment forbidding it. However, critics claim that it is so foul that it came from the scabby, poop-encrusted backside of Satan himself. However, both are insanely wrong, and the people who think this were Kitten Huffing at the time.

The belief that Red Bull gives you wings ( also called "Redbullwingageism" ) is a central tenet of hundreds of religions throughout the world. However, the company that produces Red Bull has tried to discourage the myth its drink can cause you to tsake, has sponsored Redbull Flugtag, an event in which people jump off high towers in an attempt to show they can fly after drinking Red Bull. Of course, those who jump off the towers without some kind of glider fall 40 feet into the water below and prove that Red Bull does not cause you to fly.

Red Bull Creation Myths[edit]

Few believe it, but Red Bull was originally an Asian drink, created by the goddess Kwan-Yin ( Goddess of Mercy ) who took pity on the poor tired workers of Asian countries, and created the caffeinated drink as a pick-me-up to help them through their days. It was only because of an Austrian capitalist that the blessing of Red Bull came to the West and became Christianized.

Another theory that has been developed by coked-up monkeys is that Red Bull was a design developed by Josef Stalin. He created a liquid that once drunk by a person will make that person see sudden appearances of communist leaders on billboards. The going-crazy of George Bush has been attributed to this phenomenon by many who have heard of the theory. By seeing communist leaders pop up on random occasions Stalin hoped he could grow more popular. According to the monkeys something totally unexpected is what is actually reached by drinking Red Bull. At first you only see communist leaders, but because of the Side effects caused by the presence of Nos and Fly agaric in Red Bull people quickly start seeing communists perverting themselves in the presence of gay priests and world leaders. George Bush once saw a gay priest raping Lenin while Saddam Hussein was riding on a unicycle. Now because riding unicycles in the USA is penalized with the death penalty and gay priests are terribly shocking George Bush became a satanist and started the offense against religion. The reasoning behind the theory is that a bull has horns and the devil also and red is usually associated with communism so that Occam's Razor proofs that this theory is correct, at least according to monkey logic. With human logic you can only deduce that Josef Stalin's sexual relation with Bill Clinton spawned Saddam Hussein and George Bush. This theory was fronted by the coked-up monkeys and orange soda drinkers in an attempt to discredit the honor of Red Bull.

However, new evidence traces Red Bull's origins back to Franz Ferdinand, the creator of god. For this cardinal sin, Gavrillo Princip shot him in Sarajevo, leading to World War I.

Myths about Red Bull[edit]

ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT[edit]

"DRINKING REDBULL GAVE ME A 15 INCH PENIS AND BONERS NON STOP!!! DRINK REDBULL ITS WORTH IT THE $1.99....SO DO IT DRINK REDBULL AND WHIP YOUR COCK OUT!!!!"

This is a myth about Red Bull popularized by teenagers whom are virgins to both Red Bull and sex.

Red Bull killed Kennedy[edit]

A myth inspired by conspiracy freaks hoped up on too much Rockstar energy drink. Red Bull didn't shoot Kennedy from the soda machine in the Texas School Book Supository; Red Bull wasn't even invented then.

WANT a PENIS? DRINK RED BULL![edit]

This is what the guys at Red Bull got when they gave a virgin teenage Russian hacker to create a spam mail advertising campaign. Like all spam, it was deleted when the word "PENIS" was read. Because of this failure, the disasterous Austrian-Russian War of 2006 occured, in which millions of Russian hackers were bludgeoned to death by Austrians wielding Red Bull cans. The war however gained no attention, as it was only spammers who were killed.

Red Bull is made of crushed bull testicles[edit]

A myth told to a PETA member as a joke one April Fools, but the PETA member couldn't tell it was a joke, and now the whole organization takes this myth serious. They've started an Internet campaign called "The Holocaust In Your Can", comparing Red Bull factories to Auschwitz. However, sane people who view this site see there is no information whatsoever, and a Red Bull plant is nothing like Auschwitz.

Drinking Red Bull and eating Pop Rocks will make your head explode[edit]

Actually, that's not a myth, that's Austria's plan for weapons of mass destruction.