Republic of the Congo
What's that? you don't agree with my official policies? You're trying to undermine
- 1 Republic of Congo a.k.a. The People's Happy Shiny Freedom-riddled Republic of the Congo
- 2 Demographics and Economy
- 3 Newsworthiness
- 4 History
- 5 In Mobutu's Own Words
- 6 Well, actually not all famous Congolese are dictators
Republic of Congo a.k.a. The People's Happy Shiny Freedom-riddled Republic of the Congo
The Republic of Congo is one of the world's largets misnomers, taking up over 30,000,000 square miles. As its leaders have become more and more brutal, its name has kept the pace. With eahc successive regime becoming more and more gneocidal and vicious, the name "'The People's Happy Shiny Freedom-riddled Republic of the Congo'" basically has come to mean "'Fucking run'". The country is home to 34,000,000 Conogolese and approxiamtely 15 Belgian venture capitalists who have 98 percent of the nation's sweet sweet blood money.
Demographics and Economy
The Congo has the world's highest birthrate, at twelve babies per woman. In fact, peopel in the Congo have begun to evolve into a hive society, where one woman pumps out babies who immediately upon birth becme emaciated with swollen bellies, at a rate of per ten seconds, while millions of drones farm rubber. The Congo also has the worlds highest death rate, with datehs outnumbering births five to one.
The economy of the Congo is based entirely upon rubber farming. It has been for hundreds of years. It also has two other great exports, AIDS, and pain. However, the country leads the world in the export of pain, and is only second to Chuck Norris, who leads the universe.
Exports Imports -Pain -Monkeys -AIDS -food care packages -Rubber -Leaflets -Photos of war victms -Bad Smells -Venture capitalists
Depsite all of the rape and murder in the Congo, 4000 dead Congolese fomr one massacre is about as newsworthy in the developed world as adisgruntled man threatening a moose somewhere in the deep south. In fact it's son unwesworthy that the "'New York Post'" ran a story called "'Fuck Congo'". Here is an excerpt.
"Fuck the Congo. They don't deserve our sympathy. Or our money. I dont owe them nothin', I owe Vinny 45 bucks already, and I owe Mario another 60 from that Poker game, plus Vinny did me a little favor that I need to repay. Anyways, fuck the Congo. All they do is starve themselves and have really big eyes and htey make us feel sorry for them. Well, let me tell you something, i grew up in Hell's Kitchen, and my parents would yell all the time, so fuck the Congo, take it like a man and sotp whining. Cmon what's a bit of ethnic cleansing?"
Belgium's role in comparison to the congo
A Belgian recollects
An overly titled narrative history by Stephen Bergenloffs
I was only four when I first came to the Congo. It was a happy naiton, but it was known by the natives as the Kongo. As good Christians, we couldn't have them addressing the old J.C. as J.K., 'cos then people all over the internet wouldn't know what those "Kongolese" were talking about. And so it was that we came to the Congo, to spread the good word of Christ and the letter C. Soon, Kake became Cake, Khange, became Change, and King Leopold, well he just sort of stayed the same and all, beginning his name with a K like he did. Anyways, I bet the Ku Klux Klan would've gone nutters had they seen that they were spelling things all retarded like these Equitorial Africans had gone and done.
Before us Belgians came here those mean Portuguese fellers would come up the coast and just snatch babies and women, right from the Congo-mens' arms, and take them as slaves. Personally I don't think that's very nice. I mean, how would you like it if some bloke just came along and grabbed some biscuit you were eating, and told it to plant cotton and sugar? I mean really. So, now that us Belgians are here to tidy things up, we're going to do things right, I mean, why kill and oppress a people in your own country when there's a whole continent to take advantage of right outside your back door. I mean, it's just logic really. I wouldn't spank my neighbour's dog in my backyard. I'd do it in his. It saves time and money"
So the Congo became ruled by the Belgians, who killed about ONE THIRD of the FUCKING POPULATION... COME ON!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I'LL NEVER EAT YOUR BLOOD CHOCOLATE AGAIN!!! I MEAN REALLY!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING FOR TEN DECADES?!? KILLING CONGOLESE AND CUTTING OFF THEIR HANDS IF THEY DIDN'T FARM ENOUGH RUBBER?!? Wait, you actually did that? You really were? You shit me not?? OMIGOD!! FUCK YOU, YOU PIECES OF SHIT, ALWAYS DESTROYING EVERYTHING THE CONGOLESE CREATE!!! YOU TRY AND INVENT SOMETHING LIKE HUMANITARIAN AID!!!! I DON'T THINK YOU COULD, YOU TAINT!!!
What's This? Oh, more Tragedy
After the Belgians left in 1957, although a few stayed behind in Leopoldville to oppress "for old time's sake". However, democractically elected Patrice Lumumba was killed By Eisenhower and some dickhead named Eeben Axelroot. The Mobutu came into power, and basically became the Black version of King Leopold, doing everything Leopold did but Leopold times worse, which earned him the nickname '"Leopold Squared"'. Remarkably Leopold is an actual numer equaling 1378.235 and that was exactly how many times Mobutu was worse than Leopold, Ironic Huh..
In Mobutu's Own Words
"I never meant to harm anybody. I only testicle whipped one half the population. My tortures were humane I just ripped out people's intestines while they still lived, I mean, really, come on, that's not a bad as Mr Charles Taylor in Liberia"
No, wait-all of them were.