Republican Party

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Republican Party.
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Alternative Republican Party Logo

Nomenclature[edit]

The Republican Party, also known affectionately as the God & Oil Party ( GOP ) or I Can't Believe It's Not the Nazi Party!.

Republitard \Re'pub"li*tard\, n. A person that is [or strives to become] a member or an affiliate to the Republican Party.

Organization[edit]

A rare photo of the Republican Party HQ. The picture was found in a very dark forest, and both the camera and the photographer were nowhere to be found. They are still missing.

GOP is a division of Halliburton and a subsidiary of the Federalist Society, formerly known as the Federal Government of the United States. Its main function is to boost the sales of Isræli flag lapel pins and magnets. As of 2007, despite receiving a good ol' Texas 'thumpin' it is one of the largest misanthropic organizations in the world. Well known for its Ultra-Orthodox Jewish-Leninist practice of democratic centrism, in which no party member is allowed to disagree with the central organization. In fact I knew a guy who tried to disagree once. They later found his dead body floating in the Potomac River. His corpse displayed signs of torture and wild violation. This causes Republicans great stress and results in bi-weekly mass Republican orgies in Washington, DC.

There are two sub-species of the Republican Party:

Rockefeller Republicans[edit]

These guys are the ones that are slowly being killed off by the sectarian death squads. They are mostly well-educated and wealthy suburbanites and are quite moderate, a lot of them are even pro-choice and pro-gay. Some of them are very, very pro-gay. These guys were in power before Pat Robertson started to making bizzare clicks and grunts that awoke his hordes of zombies. Currently, they are listed as an "Endangered Species" by the Endangered Species Act due to hunting by the radical cleric Jerry Falwell and population reduction due to loss of habitat that is made faster every year by expansion of Democrat communities into the Rockefellers' natural range. Many of members of this sub-species live in Log Cabins.

Ann Coulter: scientific name: bimbodium transexuale whoreonius. Heroine of the Whore and Dumb movement of the early 2000's

Republican Republicans[edit]

This sub-species dominates the modern republican party. Their natural range is the Bible Belt and the Jello Belt. They are sometimes confused with zombies on election day as any resident of a town of less than 100,000 people and that is more than 300 miles inland would say. However, this strain of zombieism is different than any others as its members/hosts are still metabolically active and reproduce. In fact, they fuck like rabbits. Because of the emerging overpopulation of zombies attributed to this, a new, compassionate campaign of "spay and neuter your Republicans" has begun. Also, the common mink has been introduced to act as predators in areas just outside of these creatures' home range, such as Colorado and Ohio. This strategy of zombie management has sustained some success in the last year or so. In fact, wildlife experts are becoming cautiously optimistic that this vermin species can be contained.

History[edit]

Origins[edit]

Every time the Prince of Darkness, Satan, goes to the can and takes a crap, a republican is born and quickly crawls out of the toilet. These little Satan turds assembled, and thusly The Republican Party was founded. They are well-known for their free-market( my favorite market is one where London Broil still sells for $2/lb...or 30p/100g for you satanic Communist homosexual terrorists ), pro-gun, anti-abortion ( so you can shoot the sheriff when he comes and arrests you for abortion ), anti-tax, anti-poor, anti-whore, anti-Liberal stance. The poor are fat and lazy that just live because Democrats steal Republicans money to "give" to the lazy poor.

Glory Days[edit]

The Republicans later took over control of the Roman Empire, which led to a thousand years of unprecedented peace and prosperity. The sun never set on the Roman Empire, from their Australian Koala mines, to their Asian chicks farms in exotic Taiwan.

Decline[edit]

However, faggots with plump, tempting asses took over control of the Roman Empire, leading to the decline of the Republic Party for many centuries. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing.

Being Born Again[edit]

In the early 1900s, George Washington re-established Republican values by drive-by killing Queen Victoria and her queer son, Jack the Ripper, single handedly causing the death of millions of Native Americans from sheer fright. Thus was America founded, under the unfailing leadership of Republican might, except for eight years, when women were required by law to sexually satisfy the deviant pleasures of their corrupt leader, Bill Clinton. Of course, they satisfied his pleasure by bringing him 1000 boys over the course of two years. No girls were raped in the making of the rebirth

Bubba Joe "Monkeylips" Moran Jr., Republican candidate for office, 2012.

Today[edit]

Republicans are the most loyal to their own of any political party out there. Even if you raped over 1000 boys, you would still be applauded by the National Committee for your bravery in showing those 14 year olds the hazards of being so goddamned sexy.

A portrait of the Republican Party[edit]

Unlike other politicians, Republicans require the money of the poor to survive. The Republican party is also known as the party of tax cuts and the ownership society. This group is know for their utter disgust and contempt for any country other than the United States ( by "United States" is meant "Oklahoma, Texas, Utah, Indiana, Alabama, and other Southern states" ) doing something for its own benefit by cleansing the world of Jews, gypsies, homosexuals, liberals, abortionists, agnostics, atheists, blacks, natives, Pastafarians, emos, grues, Arabs, Mexicans, union workers, ferrets, metrosexuals, sloths, orangutans, Non-barefoot and Non-pregnant women, the crippled and those who have penises greater than 4 inches in length. Republicans generally spend thier time saving random countries from the ravages of its people having too much pigment in their skin. Additionally, Republicans are known for a psychotic addiction to war and are the only party to support a president who thinks that Africa is a country, not a continent. Republicans often virulently vilify Senator Robert Byrd as a racist, but in another hand they have advocated the conservation and utilization of robert birds as an "all-American species".

Roosevelt, laughing at what has become of the Republican Party.

Social Habits[edit]

Home Life[edit]

Typically, Republicans organize in units called "families", and attend each other's "parties", which consist of women chatting over Peach Schnapps and snorting coke while slaving over ordering the servants around, and the men getting tweaked on meth and watching Sodomy Street. It is not uncommon for Republican Children to read fictitious tales such as Sesame Street - Color Me Mine, Barney's Weather Book, and the Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition.

A Day In The Life Of A Republican[edit]

Republican daily life revolves around the office and church. The average republican will usually wake up at six in the morning and report to work by eight, even if work is only a 5 minute walk from home. Many believe it has something to do with their iternal sonar, called "gaydar", but experiments to confirm this have been mixed, with a correlation rate between 47.736% and 50.432%. Anyway, after 9 hours of constantly abusing Mexicans, teenagers and losers, the republican becomes tired. Unless of course, the said republican is a loser, then it is coming home from being abused for 10 hours. At any rate, the republican was stuffing its face all day. After a hard day of yelling and eating, the republican packs up the children and goes to church. At church, the republican speaks in tongues, shaves its pubes and handles snakes while the children are taught to forget everything they learned in science class, unless that knowledge is important in weapons making. Repeat for 7 days a week, except for Saturday after church, when the above "party" occurs. http://inadmissibleevidence.typepad.com/inadmissible_evidence/images/republican.jpg

Source: Der Stürmer

Gambling with our future is a regular activity of the typical Republican.

Agenda[edit]

Hypocrisy[edit]

  • The Republican Party exists, in part, to show how hypocritical people can be. For example, the GOP opposes gay marriage, but its leaders are some of the most flaming homosexuals on the planet, including Rick Santorum, George W. Bush, Tom Delay, and Karl Rove. However, it should be noted there is no evidence that Karl Rove is actually a gay person. He might just be very unappealing to women, and it is fair to say that even the most tasteless butch queer in the world would probably want no part of Karl Rove, either. He could just be asexual or not even human.
  • The Republicans also enjoy lighting themselves on fire for the country "Amerika". Much to their disappointment, nationalism is a form of pride and pride is a deadly sin and all Republicans are religious so they're all going to hell.
  • Also, the GOP likes to do funny things, like talking about nominating a black lesbian like Condoleeza Rice as their candidate in 2008, while also supporting a Flat Earth policy.

"Freedom"[edit]

-Note if the brain dead were allowed to become actually dead, people may suggest that Dumbya be euthanased.

  • In fairness, the GOP works to defend the interest of all brain dead people as well as giving large and regressive tax rebates to those who make more than $300,000 a year ( Sweaty Fat Fucks and Whores ).
  • Everybody deserves a tax cut except the Democrats.
The face of freedom.

Their Fears[edit]

Otherwise, there might be enough voters to stop the looting and pillaging that constitues a working day in Washington. Though the republican president ( who has been accused of voter fraud by non-existant black people ) is almost spending two hours in two weeks working in Washington, thusly putting himself in danger of being eaten by an emo grue sent after him by Nancy Pelosi and the guerrila saddamites. So, he spends his time molesting children at his ranch in Crawford with Kuja, Bowser, Billy Mays, Republican Jesus, Jebus and Emperor Palpatine. However, Bush does not care about Black Jesus.

Wealth Exploration[edit]

The Republican Party reserves the right to invade other countries, using the resources of the US Goverment, and the United Nations. Countries identified for invasion will be subject to an initial survey to identify Oil, Natural Gas, Precious Metals, and any other known threats to the USA's security, such as more gay hookers to be hired.

The Glorious Republican Platform[edit]

The Republican National Convention, St. Paul, 2008

Traditional Values[edit]

  • Protect public school teachers' rights to use supermarket-grade meat grinders on disruptive sheeple and to lead the class in prayer five times a day while facing East, towards Iraq...the glorious Republican Jihad must live on!
  • Protecting Republican like values in debate through pedophilia, mass exterminiation of homosexuals, and tort reform.
  • Enshrine a "God Hates Fags" amendment in the consititution.
  • Cut taxes
  • Raise taxes
  • Telling women what to do with their bodies by inventing people. Actually, the anti-abortion platform of the Republican Party was urged in 1976 by the The Phantom Fetus. To do this day, all social conservatives secretly report to this mighty un-infant.
  • Protecting the right of Big Pharma to make money selling people poison by stopping any research, or medicine that will lead to cures ( thereby ending people's need to constantly buy treatments ) or anything unpatentable.
  • Making sure that that nasty Canuckistan socialized medicine never takes root here and calling that "consumer choice" - meaning the choice between food and an $800 bottle of aspirin.

Promoting Economic Expansion and Growth[edit]

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about corporate welfare.
  • Tax decreases so that they can kick gramma out of Social Security and make her homeless,and then to beat her to death as a form of entertainment. A truly compassionate, entertaining, and conservative approach to fiscal matters.
  • Dump the American greenback currency in favor of Condor gonads and Manatee hides.
  • Destroying public works or selling them for their new Maybach so that their manservant can drive them around.
  • Increasing government spending to fund a wasteful military-industrial complex and give welfare to needy corporations.
Yes! For $335,000.00, you can be driven around in this! ...but you gotta do something about welfare or you will be stuck with your 2 year old Bentley.

Protecting Our Communities[edit]

  • Eliminate the $60,000,000,000 a month trade deficit by making blacks the nation's #1 product export through government subsidy and controlled lynching.
  • Build the El Paso Wall to keep out brown people while still expecting to win Southwestern Purple states by siphoning the Hispanic vote with magical panties.

Strong Leadership[edit]

Modern Usage[edit]

Black Republican

Res, Rei, Latin n. Thing.

  • Publican \Pub"li*can\, n. [L. publicanus: cf. F. publicain. See Public.]. ( Rom. Antiq. ) A farmer of the taxes and public revenues; hence, a collector of toll or tribute. Other etymology is a combination of Pube/Licking.
  • Republican \Re-pub"li*can\, n. 1. A collector of toll or tribute (taxes) that keeps coming back again, and again, and again, ... ; 2. A remover of the taxes and public revenues ( mainly into their or their friends' pockets ) ... ; 3. A political party that continuously puts pubes on soda cans, a practice started by Clarence Thomas from the latter, shunned etymology of Pube Licking as "Pube Licking Things", Res Publica.

The term "Republican" refers to a form of psychosis brought on by excessive bed wetting and sex with livestock and very hot bikini clad men who drive Chrslyer 300s. The first known Republican was King Frou-frou the Impotent of Belgium ( AD 1443 - 1465 ), best remembered for coining the phrase "Finger lickin good". He was lynched by his subjects for failure to pay excessive library fines.

The term "Republics" is used to refer to the culture of the Republican Party. This typically consists of middle-aged white males, who are known to thump Rush Limbaugh, and tune into the Bible on the local Clear Channel radio station at 12:00 Noon EST.

In recent times there has been a falling out of the term "Republican" to mean the Republican Party in the vernacular. It is more oft used in the form "That party was Republican." Used in the nominative adjectival... adjectivivial... to describe things, it is a party where B.Y.O.P. is included in the invitation. B.Y.O.W. is commonly understood to mean "Bring Your Own Whore", although it has been more common for there to be an exchange of prostituates at a Republican Party. It has become fashionable to trade prostitutes for favors at Republican Parties. A vibrant culture of women exchange has evolved in recent years. Of particular interest is the "Hooker Exchange," wherein a hooker is left in the coat of the Republican, checked at the coat check, and exchanged by an exchange of the coats.


Republican's tend to drink more pomegranate than orange juice.

The Fucking Expensive Fruit Party of America.

The LICAN[edit]

There are various conspiracy theories about the Republican party's connection with an international oil cartel, the Illuminati, and the church of Beavis Christ. However, there is a much darker goal of the Republican party that has been hidden in the name of the party itself: Re-pub-lican.

The name reveals a program of establishing a federally implemented, funded ( although I don't know where the party of tax cuts is going to come up with the money ) and administrated LIquor Control Administration Network, known as the LICAN. The Republicans are modelling this network after Canada's Liquor Control Board of Ontario. The sale of liquor would be nationalised under this program, and only government run pubs would be able to sell alcohol. The first phase of the program is a temporary prohibition during which bars, pubs, and liquor stores would be shut down. The second phase, known as the re-pub phase will be the establishment of government run pubs and bars.

How it fits into a plan for a permanent Republican majority[edit]

Similar to the movie Strange Brew, the Republicans are secretly planning a mind control program through the sale of really cheap beer ( only $1.79 for a can, $3 for a forty and $3.99 for a 6-pack! ). Yes, this is part of Karl Rove's and Tom Delay's plan for a permanent republican majority. The LICAN, after courting several cheap beer companies such as Coors and Budweiser, has chosen Pabst Smears Blue Ribbon to be the national beer.

Criticism[edit]

Many Democrats, who have been privy to the secret funding or the LICAN, have expressed outrage. The most outspoken of these has been Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, who has said: "No one with any taste whatsoever, would drink that garbage. Real men drink Guinness and Stolichnaya."

"Freedom"[edit]

"Freedom" in action.

"Freedom" is the word that Republicans use when they run out of ideas. For example, the war to liberate Iraqistan is now a clusterfuck. So, instead of talking about WMDs the GOP talks about freedom. Also, "Freedom" is a battle cry for republicans everywhere, even if they believe that women should wear burkas.

As you can see freedom is for fetuses and "freedom" is what you get when you are born. To see what I mean, click on this graph.

This is odd, since freedom contradicts all the things the GOP supports. For example, freedom means gay people can marry. It means that black people shouldn't have to pick cotton. It means that Mexicans should be free to cross a river and get a job. It also kind of assumes that Arabs want freedom, which is a bit like saying that dogs love piano recitals. Everyone knows that Arabs only want "freedom". So I guess republicans are half-right.

Official Propaganda Spewer[edit]

Fox news serves as the official republican propaganda spewer.

Mascots[edit]

A poster that Rudy Guilani is considering using during the 2008 campaign

Darth Vader is the current mascot for the Republican party and has been since he was discovered by a conservative talent agency in 1977. His work has been considered a cornerstone to the GOP victories in 1978, 1980, 1982, 1984, 1988, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2002 and 2004. ( that's like a 2:1 Win-loss record!! ) However, after the formally mentioned "thumping" last fall, Karl Rove became depressed and angry. After a binge on vanilla ice cream, Karl Rove blamed Darth Vader's emerging "girly man" image on the GOP's losses and has been debating having him replaced. The current front runner to replace him, Sephiroth, has been criticized by party activists for where he has spirit, he looks too much like a homosexual. However, Karl Rove has stated that there has been physically effeminate manly-men before. Some examples include Jeff Gannon, Ted Haggard and Kuja ( sorta ).

Republican political ad of the Month of April 2007[edit]

This one won at least one senate seat for the republicans on "Bloody Tuesday". Guess who it is? ...answer in discuss and you get a PRIZE

External links[edit]