Rhinoceros

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rhinoceros.
Most definitely not a rhinoceros

Rhinoceros or Rhino is a small carnivorous shrew-like mammal commonly found on the plains of North America. It is the male counterpart of the female hippopotamus, which is larger and primarily lives in Africa. Rhinoceros is also a rock.

Anatomical Features[edit]

Rhinoceri have grey skin, burly bodies, prehensile toes, and plasticine noses which are subject to opportunistic infections. Of particular interest is the rhinoceros's so-called "lower horn", which is in great demand these days for use as a novelty towel rack.

Lifestyle[edit]

The rhinoceros prefers to live in wet, wooded areas rich in black truffles, its main food. A rhino must acquire 6 to 7 truffles per day to remain healthy. Because of this, they have been forced to evolve stiff pronged tails that function as forks so they can eat their truffles in style. They also have pointed ears for digging.

Social behaviour[edit]

Rhinos are extremely social and may congregate in groups of up to 900 animals, all male. This makes them less vulnerable to predators such as the Floating Head of Zsa Zsa Gabor. They have a very complex social system with up to ten dominant males, who constantly fight with their subordinates. The dominant males also get first rights to mating.

Mating is the only time, after the baby rhino is weaned, that the male and the female share the same continent. The much more numerous male will brave an ice crossing over the north pole, the only way to cross from the rhino's feeding ground in North America to its ancestral mating ground in the English Channel. Only a tiny fraction of those rhinos that start the journey finish it, owing less to the difficulty of the journey than the single-mindedness of the voyagers. They will not deviate from their ancient traditional path, even if the geological chaos of the northern climes has put sheer cliffs or uncrossable rapids in the way. This is seen all too clearly when, at the tail end of the rhino herd, passage down cliffs or over rivers is only made possible by the huge piles of bodies of those rhinos that led the way.

The female, by contrast, has the relatively minor task of crossing the Mediterranean sea out of north Africa and trampling through southern France, where she hooks up with a rhino in the ancestral spawning grounds in the middle of the English Channel. Shortly after passing on his genes, the rhino sinks to the bottom and dies, being unable, unlike his amphibious mate, to swim.

This behaviour is learned, not instinctual, which makes rhinos very bored because they spend so much time learning it. To learn all of this, they must be very intelligent, but they aren't which is why they spend so much time on it.

Caffeine content[edit]

It has recently been discovered that rhinos, caught and cooked fresh, are extremely delicious, almost as much so as pie, but also have up to 300 milligrams of caffeine per serving. Scientists are still researching why. One of the possible causes could be the stupidity of the scientists.

Rhino as a stone[edit]

In minerology, rhinoceros is an extremely durable building material, capable of being shorn into very high filings and taking a very fine polish. This precious substance is extracted from the parent rock, which found only in Pre-Cambrian Antarctica.

Rhino has a very high weight for it's size and is completely opaque, even in the tiniest slivers. It is non-magnetic, and can take tremendous blows before cracking, over 4 GPa of uniform compressive strength.

The most common use of porched rhino is shiny balls. Of course only the top 5% of nacreous rhinoceros is good enough to make shiny balls. Lower grade rhinoceri is made into columns.

Tips for buying rhino[edit]

An unscrupulous dealer may attempt to sell you flakeyous rhinoceros balls or even rhino parent material at low low prices. Do NOT fall for it, as real gem-quality rhino cannot be sold that low. Always check your rhino for flaking.

How to make sure your rhino is top-grade[edit]

Any good rhinoceros dealer will let you smash his balls, as all good rhinos can take it, while poor specimens will break. Don't overdoit though, as excessive smashing is poor etiquitte and may lead him to believe that you are actually trying to destroy his product ( it has happened ) A simple drop or throw from 5 - 10 feet is sufficient. Do NOT throw it at people, it is very hard ( the balls that is ).

Check the impact site for damage. There should be no cracks, scratches, dents or marks, or any loss of smoothness.

Check the sidewalk for damage. It should be crushed.

Fake and imitation rhino[edit]

Can be made from plastic, granite, rhino plated lead, plagioclase feldspar, and Rhinex® brand Ceros, a heavy composite material. Beware.