“I'm too sexy for my shorts. Too sexy for my shorts that it hurts”
~ Richard Simmons on about himself
“I DID have sexual relations with that woman”
~ Bill Clinton on Richard Simmons
Dick Simmons used to be fat until he cried so much from being made fun of at school that all his fat oozed from his eyes. He then got caught and laughed at by Cyndi Lauper. From embarrassment, he told Cyndi that he was sweating. She believed his lies and the rest is history. OR IS IT?
Richard Simmons got his start at St. Francis in Toledo, Ohio where he raped 2000 boys in just under 5 minutes. He and also raped Mitchell Morris. He soon changed his name to SAYGON. Saygon just happens to be an anagram of Gayons. Richard was born in New Orleans, Louisiana, son of two gay men and a swordfish; Mitchell, Danny and Francis-Makley. He was supposedly killed by Tim Allen with the bomb he made in preschool with playdough and a fuse made from the hair of the pet guinea-pig. However, he lived, and went into hiding in Japan for two whole years. When he came back he spoke fluent Japanese and won the Gay Olympics in 1989 for raping 200 leprechauns in 1 minute.
In 1990, Richard Simmons met and fell in love with Dave Mustaine, an unknown member of the Beatles and an insignificant, forgotten member of Metallica. Their relationship would last until 1997 when Richard caught Dave engaging in a sexually explicit act with his beloved Dalmations Sue-Ellen and Marie-Anne Keaton. Knowing that no man could ever truly love him for the flaming homosexual that he is, he discarded Mustaine in the dumpster that he found him in.
After becoming A super homosexual. He established himself as a pimp. He became the first pimp to hold an entirely male whore house. He was soon casted in the latested Bond Movie as 007 in Goldeneye. Here he would shoot sperm instead of bullets.
He later met Thomas Phillips and Tim Allen at the premiere of the movie where they both shot him 9 times in the chest. He later survived. And became a rapper known as $500$. Since that's how much he is per hour in the male whore house.
Simmons is perhaps most notable as the gayest entity in existence. By the current laws of the universe, it is mathematically impossible for any person, place, or thing to be gayer than Richard Simmons. In fact, he has more gay than infinity has rational numbers.