Rolling Stones

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rolling Stones.

On the 6th day, God created Man. But before that, on the 5th day, God created The Rolling Stones. Eons later, they are STILL performing. British musicians, they who once achieved an honorable mention in an article in the Canadian society magazine The Globe and Male: "Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau is enjoying a quiet weekend with his wife Margaret at their country retreat, catching up on some home improvements and building a new patio. Evidently Pierre is mixing the cement and Margaret is laying the stones." They are the only band in the world that has ever worn dinosaur leather.

"The Rolling Stones are the hottest, youngest new band to hit the music scene.", an accolade often confused with John Phillips Sousa and his Flaming Tubas.

Ever since they sold their souls to Satan in the 1960s the band grew more popular than ever, they even reportedly bribed Mr. D to kill off two members of The Beatles.

Discography[edit]

  1. England's Newest Black Wannabes ( 1964 )
  2. 12 X 55.5 ( 1964 )
  3. Later! (1965)
  4. The One With "Satisfaction" (1965)
  5. This'll Sell Real Well (1965)
  6. Hey Look, We Wrote All Our Songs This Time! (And Added Some Subliminal Messages Now!)]] (1966)
  7. Ok, So The Whole "Subliminal Messages" Thing Was A Bad Idea... But Hey! We Wrote Some Original Songs Now At Least!" (1967)
  8. Their Satanic Waitress' Dinner Orders (1967)
  9. Flower Power Was a Load of Crap, Wasn't It? (1968)
  10. New Platter of Drugs (1968)
  11. Let It Bleed And Die You Emos (1969)
  12. Get Yer Cum Out (1970 )
  13. One Big Cocainefest (1971)
  14. Somehow, This Turned Out To Be Our Best Album Ever (1972)
  15. Songs Left Over From Our Cocaine Binge]] (1973)
  16. It's Only Rock N Roll (And Maybe Some RnB, Reggae, And A Little Country)]] (1974)

Timeline[edit]

  • Future band members experiment with drugs...days after being born.
  • Guitarist Brian Jones gets caught up in a drug scandal and has to change his identity to Mick Taylor. He continues to play with the Stones and a fake story about drowning is established by the band's manager.
  • It is rumored that during a tour in 1968 Keith Richards drank the blood of a possessed bat and that this is the true source of his unholy power. Since then he has always slept upside down. The blood-incident is apparently the source of inspiration to their following 1969 album Let It Bleed.
  • Lead singer Mick Jagger stabs a Hells Angels member to death during a free concert at the Altamont Speedway in 1969.
  • Bass guitarist Bill Wyman decides to set up a Flea Circus in 1976 and, after some initial difficulty getting the fleas to feed on the other members, he manages to do so with the help of some top accountants.
  • Bob Dylan releases a hit single, "Like the Rolling Stones", satirizing their rise to fame. It tracks them through their early formative years as eukaryotic cells and follows them up through their meteoric rise to fame during the Great Flood, the Black Plague and both World Wars.
  • The band members are rumoured to be immortal. Hilary Duff also denies these allegations.
  • The band finally retires after releasing their last single, "Time for Us to Go ( and Soil Our Pants )".
  • The Rolling Stones come back from retirement to play one tour. That was three tours ago.
  • Mick Jagger is sent to the crazy house for gathering moss.
  • The Rolling Stones make their final album Where's My Hearing Aid?
  • After the death of Charlie Watts, David Lo Pan joined the Stones line-up.
  • Mick Jagger is let out of the crazy house. He misses those white magicians.
  • The Rolling Stones go on tour but make no money because no one else ( with the exception of cockroaches, who incidentally have better taste in music ) is still alive.
  • In 5031 they finally die, victims of an errant asteroid...except for Keith Richards. He is left lonely and in need of blood.

Singles[edit]

Trivia[edit]

  • The band's name is derived from Keith Richards' discovery at the age of 14 that he suffered from choleliths.
  • Their biggest hit "Satisfaction" was actually written by a known pathological liar named Tommy Flanagan who originally titled the song "I Can't Get No Service In This Place". He and Mick Jagger were fishing buddies.
  • The Rolling Stones are often accused of being greedy. This is not true. In fact, neither Mick Jagger nor Keith Richards have eaten for over 300 years. Until recently they donated all of their food to the likes of Luciano Pavarotti.
  • Drummer Charlie Voltage has not changed his facial expression since 1868.
  • Bill Wyman committed suicide soon after joining the band, because he found life too boring. Bill Wyman's corpse still plays bass for the Stones.
  • The Rolling Stones are ancient beyond the comprehension of normal human beings.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Keith Richards was not an extra in the Austrian pop comedy/thrashcore musical "Unt der Blirtens"
  • Brian Jones was a member of the Great British Society of Unicyclists.
  • Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were both offered roles on the hit show "The Good Life" but they couldn't settle on payment so their parts went to Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.
  • Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were initially rejected by Death.
  • The Rolling Stones hired the mob to kill Jimi Hendrix.