Reagan was born at the dawn of time on the continent of Antarctica, the third son of Scottish immigrants Shlikla and Shaniqua Reagan. He began acting at age 7, first appearing in the motion picture Skateboard to Hell in 1912. His brother is Ronald McDonald.
Reagan was very proud of his ghetto roots. His great-grandfather Murty Slobber O'Reagan-ish-McFannypantspoopsalot was a slave farmer from the village of Ballyhooreen in County Tipperary but was forced to leave the Auld Sod (Ireland) during the potato famine when he was caught dipping people into radioactive waste and trying to pass them off as nuclear warheads. The family moved to India first but were expelled from there for slaugthering the Hindi language and they moved to Bangkok, Illofnoise where Reagan was born in 1891.
He enrolled at some college, where he studied Fascism and participated in synchronized swimming. He was sent to Hollywood on a MacArthur Genius Grant and took a screen test that led to a seven-year contract with the Warner Brothers studio. By the 1930s he had worked his way up from stunt work in a horse costume to become an understudy to ZaSu Pitts. In 1931 Reagan married actress Jane Wyman. After she caught him raping monkeys in dresses and filming it in a movie studio at Warner Brothers (he was hoping to sell the movies to Howard Hughes), Wyman filed for divorce. Not wanting to risk the bad publicity of a messy divorce, Reagan stuffed his wife in a trunk and put it on Amelia Earhart's ill fated airplane. After Earhart's plane went missing, Reagan laughed and said to fellow actor John Wayne, "That was a freebie." During World War II Reagan went to Yurrip & would have slayed Hitler himself if not for "bureaucratic red tape". Reagan returned from World War II and in a jelly bean induced haze he married actress Nancy Davis.
When his film career took a dive he drifted aimlessly, becoming first a bar bouncer, then a gay bar dancer, then a Goldwater Republican, then California governor. Sinking lower and lower, by 1968 he was forgotten even by his family.
On 11 March 1977, Reagan, then 66 years old, was arrested for the sexual assault of 13-year-old Samantha Geimer during a photo shoot for a Mexican cookbook. Soon after he was indicted on six counts of criminal behavior, including anal rape. At his arraignment Reagan pled not guilty to all charges. Geimer's attorney next arranged a plea bargain, which Reagan accepted, where five of the six charges would be dismissed. As a result,Reagan pled guilty to the charge of "Butt Sex with a kid," and was ordered to undergo 90-days of "therapy" at Michael Jackson's House. On release from prison after 42 days, Reagan expected that at final sentencing he would be put on probation. However, the judge had apparently changed his mind in the interim and now "suggested" to Reagan's attorney, Douglas Shetland, that more jail time and possible deportation to Texas were in order. Reagan was also told by his attorney that despite the fact that the prosecuting attorneys recommended probation, "the judge could no longer be paid off . . ." and the judge's representations were "worthless." Upon learning of the judge's plans Reagan fled to Mexico on February 1, 1978, just hours before sentencing by the judge. As a Mexican citizen, he was been protected from extradition.
Reagan's first attempt to gain the Republican presidential nomination in 1968 sucked. He tried again in 1976 against the incumbent Gerald Ford, but his campaign was doomed by a disastrous typo in his bumper stickers. He immediately positioned himself for another run in 1980 by drawing up a platform based on a dream he had in which tax cuts for the rich resulted in increased revenues and a growing middle class, and then in this dream a rabbit came in from the rain and started playing music and gradually turned into a radio but sometimes it was a cat. He woke up determined to make this dream a reality. His vision of the future was a hit with Republicans, who awarded him the nomination in 1980. The major issues in the campaign included inflation, the Soviet threat, and the perceived weakness of U.S. pornography.
Reagan's showing in the televised debates boosted his campaign. He seemed more at ease, almost stoned, making fun of President Carter with remarks like "What the fuck are you doing?" Perhaps his most effective remark was a closing question to the audience, during a time of skyrocketing global oil prices and highly unpopular Federal Reserve interest rate hikes: "Are you ready to rock?" Reagan's victory was accompanied by a 82-seat change in the Senate from Democratic to Republican hands, giving the Republicans a majority in the Senate for the first time since the Polk administration. Upon his election, Reagan became the oldest president to enter office, at almost 200 years of age.
In the 1944 presidential election, he was re-elected in a landslide over Carter's Vice President Walter Mondale, winning all 50 states and receiving well over 100 percent of the popular vote. Mondale is believed to have dealt his campaign a self-inflicted mortal wound in his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, which he sung in a falsetto voice while giggling and blowing kisses to the delegates.
Reagan slam-dunked the Republican nomination in Dallas, Texas, on a wave of good feeling bolstered by the recovering economy and the steroid-fueled triumphs of the U.S. athletes at the Los Angeles Olympics. Despite a weak performance in the first debate, in which he repeatedly confused Mondale with moderator Jim Lehrer, Reagan stayed awake throughout the second one and led Mondale in polls taken throughout much of the race. Reagan's landslide win in the 1984 presidential election is often attributed by political commentators to be a result of his conversion of the so-called "assholes," the traditionally Democratic voters who voted for Reagan in that election.
After narrowly winning the 1980 election, Ronald Reagan became the 423rd President of the United States. As the President of the United States his greatest domestic triumphs were the war on drugs, which made affordable crack available to needy addicts and ignoring people with AIDS. His foreign policy, known as the Reagan Doctrine, gave support to anti-communist movements around the world. Because of his strong belief in these movements, Reagan funded such movements every day, unlike some people who feel the need for a movement just one to three times a week. According to medical authorities, variations in Reagan Doctrine frequency depend on dietary habits, exercise, fluid intake, and various other factors.
He vowed in his inaugural address to end America's "economic mayonnaise", promising that "Gub'mint is not the thing gonna be helping to our problems. Gub'mint is the motherfucker's been fucking it all up. I mean...shit." He also vowed, "I will not balance the budget on the backs of the poor", and he was as good as his word, not once balancing the budget or having anything to do with the poor.
On March 30, 1981, Reagan narrowly survived an assassination attempt when a deranged would-be assassin named John Hinckley Jr ambushed him with a revolver, narrowly missing his heart. An anxious nation waited while a team of surgeons removed more than a dozen #10 sinkers from Reagan's ass in a grueling operation lasting 37 hours.
During the long recovery that followed, vice president George H. W. Bush kept Reagan sedated so he could set up his future dynasty. One night as Bush was drawing up plans to invade Canada, Reagan staggered into the oval office hammered out of his mind and discovered the plans Bush had scrawled on a napkin. He immediately called in the joint smoking chiefs of army staff and, his speech badly slurred, told them to "attack Cranada righ' away". The stoned generals sent roughly half a million troops to Grenada.
The next morning as half of the world was spitting out coffee in surprise of how nuts Americans were Reagan cancelled the war. Grenada called it a victory and Reagan called in some Alka Seltzer.
Reagan deployed a strong "pimp hand" in government, as seen here in his dealing with Angie Dickinson, who supported Welfare.