- Trying to be Betty Rubble AND fat...
- Having an unhealthy obsession with Madonna and.....
- .....failing to realize that Madonna is "out of her league"
- Adopting children rather than groping miscellaneous children without proper papers like Paula Poundstone.
- Having D.N.A comparable to a whale's
- Weighing 42,000 newton foot pounds.
- Wearing crotchless underwear.
In 1883 scientists in Roswell, New Mexico were able to successfully combine the genetic material of the Staypuft marshmallow man with Attila the Hun in a petrie dish fertilized with Krispy Kreme donuts, thereby creating the ubiquitous and frequently nauseating Rosie O'Donnell. Her real first name-7*-is unpronounceable. However, by incredible coincidence, all the other en vitro inhabitants had an Irish last name as well, so she was able to continue using this surname. Sources place the closest phonetic recreation of Rosie's true first name as "Hippopotamus" but be advised this is nothing like the true pronunciation. O'Donnell is famously friends with the notorious Spice Girl - Melanie B, although some say she's just feeding her up to use in her world famous 'Shepherds Pie'. In Rosie has the biggest penis on record.
Rosie O'Donnell's career
1794: Became the Hulk
1800: Lost virginity to an onion. No, I don't know how either.
1846: Became Queen Victor/Victoria for a short while.
1942: Served as a piano's stunt double in the episode where Jackie Gleason throws a piano out the window.
1944: Used as a human shield during D-Day; she is supposedly made up of so much fat, her body just absorbs the bullets. Was paid $0.43/hour.
1954: Starred in her first live action movie, Gojira ( Godzilla ), as the lead role of Gojira
1956: Starred in the movie The Blob- as the Blob, with Steve McQueen.
1957: Had small penis transformed into a large clitoris ( for marketing purposes ).
1958: Turned down the role of Sgt. Shultz in Hogan's Heroes.
1960: Was reborn as Truman Capote.
1963: Has clitoris surgicaly changed back to a penis, and sings "Wang Dang Doodle" with John Lee Hooker.
1966: Plays the part of a big hairy scrotum on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins.
1972: Donned a Kool-Aid Man costume and barged her fat ass through a 3-foot thick cinder block wall.
1973: Was impregnated by Donald Trump-Gave birth to Clay Aiken
1988: Becomes the spokesperson for syrup of ipecac; sales of ipecac to the young teen girls with really bad body image ( translation: fugly ) demographic skyrockets.
1990: Starts the HUGELY ( and I mean HUGELY ) unpopular talk show, "The Rosie is Great Show". It was cancelled after one show for being to megalomaniacal and for making sumo wrestlers appear malnourished by comparison.
1995: Enters into sexless marriage to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's bon vivant host Carson Kressley. Denied the love of a good man, O'Donnell becomes unqualified bitch and dyke.
1996: Tries to redeem her flagging public career by splitting off her "Total Bitch" and stars on the Rosie O'Donnell Show, a syndicated talk show in which Rosie chats with guests, plugs their products, plugs their movies, plugs their television shows and then fawns over them until their super inflated celebrity heads burst from the praise heaved upon them by goody-two-shoes Rosie.
1997: Rosies rising stardom propmts the good people at Chia to manufacture a new ChiaLesbian in her likeness. Until then, the only ones available were Ellen DeGeneres and Melissa Etheridge.
2002: With her life giving television ratings beginning to sag, O'Donnell can no longer find the energy to keep her inner bitch in check, O'Donnell reverts to her caustic self and the show gets cancelled.
2003: Unable to sustain the publicity machine that made her, she takes over McCalls Magazine, renames it Rosie Magazine and climbs the Empire State Building where she takes swipes at the circling bi-planes trying to shoot her down. She was shot down in the end, sadly. It wasn't the airplanes, it was beauty that killed the beast.
2004: Played herself in "Rosie the Diesel Dyke", a made for TV movie about a sister and a bus.
Slated to play Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway, with Harvey Firesteen as Golde. Everybody everywhere is looking forward to her interpretation of "If I Were Harry Richman."
Recent production photo
2005: Voted Man of the Year by Caterpillar Magazine.
2006: Was found dead in her apartment, waist deep in cake.
2006: Plays a retarded woman in a CBS made-for-TV movie. Critics say her part "wasn't a big stretch for her to play".
2006: Insutlted Big Boss on the communist propaganda show The View.
2006: Every host on The View is found brutally murdered the next day.
February 14, 2007: Rejects her lesbianistic ways and professes her love for "The Ronald".
She calls everyone a moron but pronounces it "macaroon". Incidentally, this ( and cheese flavoured planets ) is her favorite food.
- Jack Daniels Barbecue Sauce
- Heinz 57
- Log Cabin Maple
- Kraft Cæsar Dressing
- Fry Sauce
Frequently Asked Question
Boxers or briefs? Jell-O or Pudding? Fat or Big-boned?
Rosie O'Donnell's Most Famous Appearances
- Free Willy - as Willy the whale
- The Land Before Time and Jurassic Park- as the hungry T-Rex
- Star Wars Trilogy - as Jabba the Hutt
- The Matrix Reloaded - as the truck in the car chase scene
- Pokemon - as Snorlax, and later as Wailord
- The Superman movies - as the ornament on top of the Daily Planet
- Made for TV movie on Hallmark Channel - That one dyke...
- LOTR - as the cave trolls.
- Austin Powers - as Fat Bastard...she had to be digitally shrunk due to the part only calling for someone who was 1 ton.
- Ghostbusters - a biographical film about herself. Her name was changed to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to prevent people from losing interest.
Being Attacked By Rosie O'Donnell?
Here's a list of reasons why you are being attacked by Rosie O'Donnell:
- She is hungry
- you have food on you
- she, like her magpie ancestor are attracted by shiny objects
- she wants your child, as children's souls taste sweet to her.
- you did not buy a Tickle-Me-Elmo for your kids, or any kids, or any child-like adult.
- you're a Republican, conservative, or libertarian
- you told her you saw "Taboo", it sucked donkey-balls, and you want your money back.
- you're going to/coming from the fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Iran. Rosie O'Donnell, like Michael Moore, sympathizes with the terrorists.
- you hated her TV show
- You thought Rosie O'Donnell should've stayed in the closet because she wasn't as bitchy as after she came out and won the award for "World's Ugliest Lesbian".
- You are a Radical Christian and she feels that you are evil like sane people think of Radical Muslim Terrorists, because she is a moran.
- Your name is Donald Trump, and you're going to have some of your friends steal the Beast's wife away.
- You're a search and rescue volunteer looking for lost climbers on Mt. Hood, as opposed to being a fatass sitting at home - like herself.
What To Do When Attacked By Rosie O'Donnell
- - Tell her you liked "A league of their own" and when she smiles and drops her guard, kick that bitch in the teeth than curb stomp her.
- - Wonder why the fuck you didn't see the fat ass comin'.
- - Drop any and all food items you are currently holding. The Rosie O'Donnell is known for her ravenous appetite, which is comparable to that of Oprah. Dropping food items will cause her to eat, and give you enough time to run away.
- - Throw all shiny objects far away from you. She'll be distracted by the flash of light long enough for you to get away.
- - If Rosie is still attacking you, raise any children above your head, kick Rosie O'Donnell in the testicles, and run like Hell.
- - If Rosie is still attacking you, call upon Chuck Norris and watch him roundhouse dropkick her into space, then watch him roundhouse kick you for wasting his time.
- - If Rosie O'Donnell is attacking you because you're a Republican or a soldier, pull out a gun and shoot her, or call in an air-strike. If need be, use the "Uncle Jimbo defense" ("Oh my God, it's coming right for us!")
- - If Rosie O'Donnell is attacking you because you saw "Taboo" and want your money back, do nothing. Let Rosie kill you because you deserve to die for watching that POS of a Broadway musical. It has Boy frickin' George in it; what made you think it was any good?
- - Accept the fact that you are soon to be absorbed by her blubber and regret the fact that you gave her work in the first place ( Barbara Walters solution )
- - If she happens to have a Fudgie The Whale cake nearby, smash it into her face and then headbutt her with your hair. This seemed to have worked for Donald Trump