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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Russia.

“In Soviet Russia, Dæmonica edits YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Encyclopædia Dæmonica


Russia (not to be confused with Ukraine) (Russian: Россия-мать-вашу), is the world's largest vodka republic and the world's biggest source of smaller Muslim anti-vodka republics (for example, Kazakhstan, world largest producer of potassium) since 1991, commonly misspelled as 'hell', 'slaughterhouse', and 'rosin', a huge piece of supposedly Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticize Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And pudding is delicious, so why would you?

Russians have a unique character that is expressed in very different ways. They are a very angry nation. When they are happy they are sad and when they are sad...they are sad. They also have a weird personality and appearance.

Russians like to associate themselves with Ukraine, though the latter often go hunting for Russians in the winter. Hot people live in Russia because it is cold there, at least in some places. Some of the hot people look suspiciously like bears. Some of these hot bears moved to the Americas.

Despite high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Russia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering call of nature to lay eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they prohibited by law to form a 6th level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This why Russia also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Russia's ninja army, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on whether they smart or hungry corresponsively.

Hot Russians speak hot Russian language, which won't let them say the word that sounds like 'bee' in any form. However, this deficit enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Harry Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Russian serengeti, better known to the uninitiated as vodka.

There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Russia with another ocean, as Russia mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place to. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as Neorusso Sea iced over, nobody could tell difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of the Russian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they like to call it Chechnya.

Russia drastically changed upon the announcement of Catholic Church acknowledgement of the existence of little dots. It also experienced another paradigm shift when people realized that Russia, big as it, was not a continent, and that Caspian Sea not filled with cream cheese.

Russia long been staunch supporter of capitalism and democracy throughout the world. Their economic status declined since cold war, a historical period when Communist America and Democratic Russia stopped talking to each other after they couldn't agree on a strategy for hunting down worldwide terrorist groups like the muppets and the actors guild of Hollywood.