Rutherford B. Hayes

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rutherford B. Hayes.
Rutherford B. Hayes, President of the United States from 1877 to 1881, desperately looking for a barber's shop.

Rutherford "Bee" Hayes ( born: log cabin era – died: coal soot era ) was the 19th President of the United States, and was notable as being the first of the Chosen People to be elected to America's highest office.

Early Life[edit]

Rutherford B. Hayes at age 19.

Rutherford was born during a full lunar eclipse and as such gained the mystical abilities of a twilight ninja. His travels across the earth as a young man steeled his resolve to remake the world, which he viewed as utterly despoiled and corrupt, according to his own image. After forging a pact with the netherworld by selling his soul to a hell-spawned demon, Rutherford B. Hayes quickly rose to prominence in American politics. He began to gather to himself fellow beings of pure evil, uniting them under the banner of the Scythe.

Presidency[edit]

The election of 1877 was in fact an elaborate ruse staged by Rutherford B. Hayes' undead minions in which electorate officials across the nation were assassinated and replaced by doppelgangers of arcane creation. Hayes claimed victory by a narrow margin despite losing the popular vote. He quickly began to implement his plan to lay waste to the entire planet. Though he nearly succeeded, his pernicious plans were dashed when he was mortally wounded in a daring raid by the young Teddy Roosevelt. Roosevelt reportedly employed his newly mastered Sky-Dragon-Heaven's-Lightning technique to dramatic effect during the epic battle. Unfortunately Hayes remained nefarious to the last, escaping from the battle despite his grevious wounds. Eyewitness accounts say that Hayes was last seen in Latveria, where he was sexied to death by a time-traveling Chuck Norris. Some experts debate this, however, saying that Hayes could still be lurking somewhere in the rural areas of Euthanasia. Regardless, his disappearance gave way to the far more benign presidency of James A. Garfield, the United States' first gay, black president.

Hayes is also famous for sneaking the territory of Avoda Zara through the soiled halls of Congress, thus making it a state of the Union.

Trivia[edit]

  • He is the scariest president to date.
  • Known for stinking up the bathroom after taking a dump.
  • Once took a bath with Prince Hapi
  • He is one of the only people to ever defeat Chuck Norris in hand-combat.
  • He possesses a monocle, named Herbert. Herbert is, in fact, a deadly weapon.
  • Rutherford B. Hayes hides the key to the gates of R'lyeh within his magnificent beard.
  • He is descended from Guan Yu.

Undeath[edit]

Rutherford was not heard from ever again on the American political scene. Certain scholars claim that he was resurrected during the 2004 presidential election by Karl Rove's black magic, transforming Rutherford into a fearsome undead lich. However, Rove's October surprise was not needed as his friend Osama bin Laden released a tape instead.

Rutherford continues to plot to destroy the world. He also reportedly dabbles in samba, albiet in a nefarious manner.