Samurai Jack

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For those with more Christian tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Samurai Jack.
Jack stands amongst the aftermath of a humongous gas passing, hoping no one will find out it was him. Note how he Samuraingly endures his self-impaled knife.
Samurai Jack at an anime expo, looking for people robots to kill.

Samurai Jack is an insane mass murderer and serial killer of robots who has left trails of destruction to them in his wake wherever he goes. He sometimes will even kill the occasional human being, mistaking them for robots. But mainly robots. He is a controversal man, wanted in 15 countries for robot homocide and has not yet been caught, so we can safely assume he is definitely still out there looking for robots to kill. Also, he had a cartoon series based on his life.

Who is this Samurai Jack guy, anyway?[edit]

It looks like Jack is leaping into action, but he's really just planning to disrobe again.

Samurai Jack ( real name being Sam Rye Jack ) was born on August 15, 1973, thanks to the efforts of Genndy Tartaskovy, an animator and a cartoonist, and a stripping superheroine named Stripperella, whom he came across while drunk and they got it on in a moment of boozed-up passion. They woke up later not knowing what happened in all of the hell, but decided that they might as well stick with it anyways and had a son. That son is Sam Rye Jack.

Early in his life, he hit in the head by a flying brick, as he and his father were playing a game of "brick ball" out in the backyard, for some stupid reason or another. This made Jack begin to think he was a samurai trapped in another world, thus creating him as he is now as he reached adulthood. Oh yeah, and he inherited "stripping genes" from his mother, so this explains his bloodthirsty need to strip at any given moment.

The Samurai Jack Show[edit]

One of Jack's abilities in the show was the power to fart explosions! Badass, huh?

Tartickskooby loved his son even though he was a dorky lunatic, and saw that this crazy behavior of his could be an inspiration, so he decided to make a fictional biography about him and desperately wanted attention.

Inuyasha costarred as Jack's woody sidekick.

It was called Samurai Jack. This show was about Jack fighting an evil wizard named Aku ( his real name is Achoo, due to bad hearing in speech. His name is spanish for "pancakes" ), while killing robots and stripping all over the place like there was no tomorrow. He wants to kill Aku, because he had done something to make his dad disappear, of whom of which was an old hobo who accidentally beat Aku in the past with a magical ( ? ) sword, named Johnny George, alias "The Ice Cream Mustard Man". The plot revolving around him trying to find a portal home all while interacting with characters you couldn't give two-and-a-half damns about while also occasionally reminiscing his childhood at random was really not important anyways, as it was just put there to distract everyone from the true intention of the show--killing robots and endless stripping.

The show itself debuted on Some Day, Some Month, Some Year, on Cartoon Network and ran for 1 billion episodes, the longest on record. At least, that's how long it was initially going to run. Chumchumskoopy lost interest after 50 episodes because he was too busy being drunk again. He might have also been trying to play baseball with Meatloaf.

The series did so ( pretentiously ) well, however, that George Lucas, the mentally insane creator of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, hired Tartarsaucesky to do Star Wars: Clone Wars and the upcoming Star Wars: War Wars. He promised lots of money and booze.

Everyone loved it despite how cliché it was... except the robots. This caused a major uproar and controversy followed worldwide.

Oh, and he strips too. Have I mentioned that?


How the Show Worked[edit]

Here, Jack reveals his tiny man-diaper by running around in the snow, blindfolded, like an idiot. He runs into a tree like Sonny Bono, but unfortunately survives.

Jack wanders around, kills robots, and strips, all while remembering his childhood interacting with characters you won't care for.

Sounds exciting? No? Rats...

How about explosions?! Everybody loves those!!

...still not interested?

Man Diapers?

AW COME ONNNN!!!

Oh alright, let's face it: It's boring.

It DID, however, win a pretentious award for being the most pretentious show of all time. It also won an award for "Best Main Character Who Strips A Lot Who Isn't An Anime Girl" and "Most Unresolved Show". Neat, huh?


The Robot Racism Controversy[edit]

The sexy yet controversal "got oil?" ad featuring Samurai Jack which contributed to the "robo-racism" scandal.


Cartoon Network, the people who had helped make and air the show in the first place, hated robots for some reason ( like how cats hate dogs and kids hate vegetables ), probably from airing a certain couple previous shows that had a robot main character that didn't do too well, or they may have been prejeduced from the beginning, maybe cause of some sort of trauma with robots. Targarshooby probably did it because he hated Transformers and other shows with robots, and how they had all that spiffy coolness and popularity going for them. You have to have seen the shows back in the day, you can't deny how awesome they were. Go on, I dare you, asshole. I triple-dog dare you. Come on. Make my day.

Ah-HA!! You can't, can you? I knew it. If you tried to prove it wrong, you'd only embarrass yourself. It's true. It's damn true.

With convincing from the insane animator on the entire thing and possibly bribery, they made the show, and when they had came to realize what they had done, they decided to go with it anyhow. To their delight, the show was a success and ordered more episodes to be made by their animators, writers, and other cartoon-making people.

Needless to say, this angered robots a lot. Since Jack does nothing but kill robots all through the show's run, they began to file lawsuits for accounts of racism and considered the personification of the robots in the show insulting and discriminating. But CN didn't care, as they considered robots a racial minority. What a bunch of jerks.

Unfortunately ( for the robots ), the real life Samurai Jack had also seen the show, and, not exactly being of sound mind and mentality in the first place, began to think he was after Aku himself, as he had wondered why he was wandering around the planet without a purpose.

As mentioned before, Jack still currently roams around the world, killing robots, looking for Aku, and asking people if they know a way back home ( they always tell him how to get back there with directions, but Jack, like all men, doesn't bother remembering them ), resulting in causing even more controversy to Turbinskoony as well as adding more fire to that whole "robot racism" that swirls around.

Samurai Jack's Theme Song[edit]

-Rap theme music begins-

Samurai Jack? Samurai Jack? Who Jacked Jack?
Look out!
Samurai Jack? Samurai Jack? Jack Jacked Jack?
Jackity jack, jack jack jack, jackity jackity! Jacky jacky Jack!
Jackity jack, jackity jack, jacky jack jack!!
Jacking jacking jackity jackity, ja-jack jack jack!!
Jackawa jack! Jack jack jack! Jack jack jack!!
Jacka jacka jack jack jack jack jack! JACKITY JACKITY JACKITY JACK!
Jack jack jack jack jack jack jack jack! Jack jack jack!? JACK JACK JACK JACK JACK JACK JACK JACK JACKITY JACKITY JACK!!!
JACK JACK!!!
JAAAACK!!
Jack? Can you hear me? JACK?! JAAAAAAACK?!

-End theme song-

If you play the song backwards, it goes like this:

Jack off...Jack off...Jack off...Jack off...

Samurai Jack himself has said that it is mere coincidence, and doesn't like jacking off. Is he telling the truth? You decide.

If YOU meet with Samurai Jack ( and in case you're a robot ), PLEASE KEEP THE FOLLOWING IN MIND!!![edit]

Don't cosplay as Aku, either.
A picture of Jack someone took before he was killed.
  • Do NOT attack him. He will surely kill you.
  • Don't run away. He can smell fear and he will surely kill you.
  • Make sure you are not, in fact, working for Aku.
  • Make sure you are not, in fact, Aku himself.
  • If you ARE Aku, do not shapeshift. He will surely stab you with his sword. Then kill you.
  • Make sure you are not a robot at all. Jack may get confused and mistake you as a robot, and then kill you.
  • Tell him you are not a robot, and you are really a human in a robot's body. This may make him ignore you, or kill you, depending on what mood he's in at the time.
  • Make sure you're not a cyborg. They're not safe from him as well.
  • Stand perfectly still and pretend to be a statue. Chances are, he will kill you anyways, but it never hurts to try.
  • Don't transform into a vehicle to get away. He will surely kill you.
  • Don't climb into giant robots. Samurai Jack will kill those too. Including Gundams.
  • Don't sneeze.
  • Don't juggle or call your aunt, though he may kill you anyway.
  • Put your finger away.
  • If Jack confronts you, look to the sky and say, "It's okay! I can see their parachutes!" This will distract him. Run away fast.
  • Don't touch him.
  • Don't take pictures of him. He will either kill you, or strip ( or both ).
  • Don't give him money. He will proceed to strip.
  • Don't tear up his clothes. He will throw them off if you do, and this is a very, very bad thing.
  • Don't stare at him for long periods of time. He will strip at you.
  • If he's getting ready to strike, talk in leet speak. This will disorient him and allow you to get away for a short time.
  • Smile and don't think about the fellow brothers he killed, and if you think he's looking hostile, tell him where Aku is, if you know. If you don't, do it anyway.
  • No matter what, DON'T let him strip.

Trivia[edit]

  • The Samurai Jack show was banned on Cybertron, because the Cybertronians were appaled by the countless murders of robots on the show.
  • Samurai Jack was the one who killed the Gobots, the Transformers ripoffs.
  • Samurai Jack is what happened to Robot Jones.
  • The destruction of the droid army in Episode I of the new Star Wars movies was not caused by Jar Jar Binks, but was, in fact, caused by Samurai Jack.
  • Samurai Jack will co-star with Samuel L. Jackson in the sequel to Snakes On A Plane. The working title is Robots On A Plane.
  • He has had many encounters with Inspector Gadget. However, Gadget always escapes unharmed, thanks to a girl and her dog.
  • He may be under your bed right now, thinking you're a robot and waiting to kill you!